“Tell me about your childhood…”
First, while parents are held to play a major role in a child’s development, they often play an overlooked role in causing a child to develop a heightened susceptibility to fear. This article does NOT look at this in terms of moral condemnation, but more from a curious attitude. After all, we understand their experiences have been determined by the experience they themselves had as children.
Second, I should offer a disclaimer. By profession and education, I am a psychotherapist with a background in psychology. Thus, my deep interest in behavior, how it arises and how it can be changed, if desired.
Questions
- What do fears of any kind have to do with childhood and family interactions?
- Why do people have different intensity of fears?
- What is the family story?
- What does “reify” emotions mean?
- What can I do?
Responses
1. As stated in the opening of this article, examining one’s childhood and family relationships is not a quest to bash the family. It is a possibility, that in becoming curious, you will recall events that were not pleasant. However, is would be remiss to leave out this important part of life if we want to examine any fears, and for our purposes, fears related to writing.
You’ve heard of words such as “bonding” and “attachment” used to understand child/caregiver relationships. The Attachment Theory studies what happens to children who develop an “insecure attachment” to a caregiver in the child’s formative years. One consequence is that the children will become anxious and sensitive to new situations. In normal situations, such as meeting an animal for the first time, they act as though it should be a scary event. In situations that would be described as a “fear-arousing situation,” the child is more likely to respond with intense fear than children who are confident and securely attached to their parents.
2. To add to the “puzzle,” we need to look at the context of the fear and how the fear may be compounded. For example, a person is afraid when alone and at nighttime, he hears noises in the house. There is more than one component to his fear. But, which one will she focus on? Which one will warrant therapy? Is it being alone? In the house? Nighttime? Hearing noises in the house? Or the person’s perspective?
Let’s look at the complexity of fear of writing or writer’s block. A person sits down with the intention of writing but doesn’t write. If this continues, coined expressions, “writer’s block,” may the self-explanation. Many people would say that they have developed a phobia about writing. In other words, they would explain the blank screen or blank page as the object that elicits such fear they can only sit, but not write. Again, which will the writer focus on? The blank page or screen? The chair, the time of day, the writing topic? The pen?
Rarely, does the writer think of examining childhood.
3. How many times have I heard, “I had a wonderful childhood!” as a defensive answer to questions about childhood? So, I ask them to draw stick figures (you can do this, too), labeling who is who and then answering the questions: what did the grown-ups argue about? Nag each other about? Complain about you? What did you think they thought about you?
Common themes usually emerge: money, chores, fights about…and sometimes the family story reveals breakups, leavings, death, feeling or knowing you were unwanted.
The parents tell convincing stories about how they are all good and the child is troubled. The child is faced with the dilemma of believing him/her self or going along with the parent’s story. Believe me, this one can cause internal conflict.
If the family story is negative about a person, this can generalize to lack of confidence in saying what is on their mind, even a story of poem. After all, repression is not selective.
4. There is a tendency to reify emotions, especially uncomfortable ones. For example, instead of describing the situation in which a person experiences fear, the person is said to “have” a fear. Do you hear the difference? Instead of a person describing a situation in which he/she felt anxious about writing, he/she is said to have a phobia about writing or writer’s block.
5. Write about what you can’t write about. Adopt a curious attitude and explore the questions I’ve raised. You don’t have to change anything, but you may find your attitude about what is true for you will become precious.