Anger management is an interesting topic because so few people think of themselves as an “angry person” or someone that needs to learn how to manage it. Yet, we may all go through times in our lives when our emotions get the best of us. This could happen due to extreme stress, life changes, or suppressed feelings that bubble up over a long period of time. So, it’s more common than you think. If you are going through a time in your life when your own anger surprises or sneaks up on you (or you know someone like this), read this Q&A from my most recent monthly newsletter.
Question:
People tell me I need “Anger Management’ Therapy. And, that makes me mad! True, some people set me off. Even my doctor says that I should learn to relax. I don’t get it.
Answer:
Anger can seem to erupt spontaneously but that’s not true. Something triggers this emotion. It could be a fleeting memory about someone, a time when you felt shamed or betrayed. It could come out of the blue.
Anger by itself is not a problem. It comes, it goes. It’s when anger becomes the default emotion that nudges out other emotions that you need to pay attention. Someone cuts in front of you on the highway? Instead of feeling scared, you get mad. You have to wait in line longer than you would like? You don’t get annoyed. You get mad. Someone didn’t say what you wanted on that text message? You don’t get disappointed. You get mad.
What do you do with that feeling? Do you eat, smoke, or drink it away? Do you hit something? Yell at someone? Hold it in? Psychology Today wrote, “Anger is the result of beliefs that lead you to place unreasonable demands on circumstances, such as, Life must be fair.” Good luck. All the situations, including ones where people do not live up to your liking, where things are unfair, will show up every day. No one is special. We all deal with “stuff”. Some of our thinking patterns go back to childhood. It also depends on our gender and how we were taught (as girls) to be ”nice.” This can lead to stuffing emotions to the point they turn into passive aggressive behavior, rage, or a hostile attitude that ends relationships.
Accept that you get angry and accept that bad things happen. It’s always been this way. Here are some ways to experience your anger and not let it control you.
1. Count to 10. Yes, you’ve heard this before. It’s not about the counting, it’s about the time. This will allow your breathing to slow down. .
2. Forgive others for not being ‘perfect.’ Forgiving them stops you from playing the blame scene over and over in your head.
3. Walk away. Take a break. Your headache will go away.
4. Cognitive Restructuring. Change the way you think and change your language in order to allow logic to have a voice. (Stuff happens. It’s not the end of the world.)
5. Go for a run or a walk in nature. Listen. Make a note of what your hear.
6. Jot down your thoughts. If you aren’t sure how, go here to sign up for my free course on therapeutic writing here http://themuseskiss.com/.
These are suggestions. There is no magic potion, but if you feel your concerns are not addressed in these practical suggestions, consider talking over your situation with a licensed therapist. Everyone can learn a few more coping skills.
*this information does not take the place of medical treatment