Category Archives: Forgiveness

Two Sides to Every Story

old woman young womanSomething that came up for me during this season of change is the concept of phenomenology. It is defined as the science of phenomena as distinct from that of the nature of being. It’s the study of an individual’s lived experience.

The picture on the right shows us a young woman. Or does it? Look closer, and it’s both a young woman and an old woman. What did your experience of this image show you first?

I was playing with this concept the other night when I was reviewing a short story that I’ve been working on for years off and on. More off then on.

The experts say we should be able to write one sentence that tells the reader what a story is about. I thought I would give that a whirl, since I already had a sentence I liked. But, in re-reading it, it didn’t tell anyone what the story was about at all.

I originally wrote,

“A photograph sets in motion a hunt for a killer.  Two FBI agents, combining white trash smarts and Native American tracking skills, make capturing a killer look like a walk in the park, a trailer park, that is.”

I re-wrote it like this:

“When a young boy finds his murdered mother in a freezer, who could predict he would suffer in silence and direct his rage toward his absent father and the women he loved?”

At first glance, you would never even think this was the same story. This happens all the time in real life.

For example, a client tells a story he/she thinks is the problem. When we look at the bigger picture and ask what is this really about, an entirely different story emerges. It’s not really the husband’s drinking or the wife’s spending that’s the issue. It’s the betrayal and hurt felt as a child by each of them that has triggered their behaviors.

This is so important for us to consider as we are thinking about what motivates or suppresses us and how we feel about others. It affords a look through different eyes with grace and understanding.

JOURNAL EXERCISE:

Turn this around a bit for yourself. Sit and journal about it. Ask yourself, “What is the whole story behind my motivation to do THIS thing or what is holding me back?” Write the answer down, but keep asking this question over and over until you get to the very root of the story. Come back to it another day and ask yourself the same question again. Don’t be surprised if you change your mind the second time or find something new to add.

I’d love to read what you come up with. Feel free to email me or drop me a comment on Facebook or LinkedIn and let me know.

I used to but…

I used to but...I used to but…

I hear that a lot. People tell me they used to exercise, write, enjoy life, have a healthy weight, etc.  Not only did they “used to” do those things, they loved them. Why did they quit?

The answer could number in the hundreds. Everyone has particular needs that change. What was important when you were twenty is often not the thing that motivates you to action when you are fifty.

Think about your list of “used to’s” and decide which ones you would like to continue or resume. You may need to get in practice again, sharpen your skills through study or actions. You’re smart. You know, when you plant a garden, you do not abandon it the day after you plant the seeds. Stay with it. Continue to practice even when – especially when—you don’t feel like it.

You may recall other times when you took time off or decided that you would do it tomorrow. It was harder to get back on track when you put it off. You get rusty very quick. And once you make excuses, it’s easier to make them the next time.

I recall learning from my meditation teacher, Jon Kabat-Zinn: “You don’t have to like it, you just have to do it.”

Here’s what I’m going to do.

            1. I will write three times a week. My goal is to create e-courses on a regular basis. Once I do that, I will decide if I want to write an e-book. I have short stories I want to finish and, of course, poems will write themselves if I pay attention.

            2. I will say no more often. Not to do more but to be more. Just be.
Now, your turn.

i-used-to-exercise-but-im-fine-now_25291In the book, The War of Art by Steven Pressfield, he talks about showing up to do the work. He reminds us that it’s not always a pretty journey but when you simply show up consistently, you will reach your goal.

Agree?

What will you reclaim or create in your life? Feel free to email me your thoughts or just say hello at rB@earthlink.net.

The Taste of Bitterness

tongue-bitterBumping up against the same obstacle in your life over and over again can be frustrating and exhausting. Everyone has something they struggle with. It could be weight loss, organization, social relationships, health issues, addiction, and the list goes on.

When we struggle to change a habit or behavior that isn’t serving us well and we fail multiple times, we may feel desperate. When we feel desperate, we’ll do almost anything to overcome whatever hurdle is standing in our way of making it to our self-imposed finish line. If we can’t find a way to overcome it, it’s easy to become bitter.

What is bitterness? Bitterness is disappointment and resentment that occurs from the feeling of being treated unfairly. That make sense, right? We often do feel treated unfairly when we try really hard to do something and we just can’t seem to do it.

But, what if we thought about the challenge differently?

There is alternative to feeling bitter. Perhaps, it’s getting to the root of why we are having the challenge in the first place that’s more important. If we take a moment to ask ourselves, why we can’t stick to our diet, organize our paperwork, give that public speech, or overcome our illness, we may find the solution to the problem.

Not asking why we are having such a hard time is a little like trying to put a band-aid on broken bone. You may stop the blood from coming out, but the bone will not heal! So, stop and take a few deep breaths. Write your question down in a journal answer it. Becoming aware of your broken bone is the first step to healing it.

Then, some of you may think, “This issue is not in my control.” Perhaps, you’re sick with an illness that you can’t seem to shake or someone has done something to you and you are struggling with overcoming those feelings. Try to think of this situation as a lesson and a story. Ask yourself what you can take away from this situation and turn into something positive. Sometimes, there’s solace through suffering. Maybe you have a lesson to share with someone else or maybe your current situation has brought you where you need to be to help you realize something that will change your life for the better.

Before you accept the bitter taste of bitterness, I challenge you to regroup and find the sweetness that life has to offer.

The Things We Think We Have To Do – Are You Sabotaging Your Dreams?

If I asked you to make a list of all the things you think you have to do would it go on forever? If I asked you to mark the ones you think you absolutely have to do, you’d have a shorter list. Some would be related to work or family, some friends and some moral codes.

Now, If I asked you to make a list of what you have to do for yourself – just you – how long is your list now? Is it the shortest list? Why is that?

Enough questions. But, I hope it got you thinking about the things you would like to do for yourself. I’d like to make it easier for you to grow into a place where you can do things for yourself and not feel guilty! For example, just think of how many diet programs and food plans are available to solve our weight problems for us. They all work but most don’t last. Why is that?

The same mind, mostly our unconscious mind, keeps us stuck doing the same thing over and over to sabotage what we say we want to achieve. In this example, it would be in the lose weight – gain weight pattern.

You hear people say, “It didn’t work.” “I couldn’t keep up the plan.” “It’s too expensive and time consuming.” Most people don’t succeed at losing weight with only products. Products don’t measure our desire, emotions, sense of urgency, and fears. True, if we feel a bigger sense of urgency to lose weight, we have a better chance. But how long does a sense of urgency last before we give up and eat to handle emotional needs or to handle stress? I’ll tell you why.

Their success has everything to do with mindset.

You can develop insight to understand your mindset about losing weight (or other goals) by writing answers to all the questions in this article. The next one is very important. Think about it.

What is it you’re not willing to change to have the success you want? Write these things down. Go through your life and be honest. The things you write down control your life. These things may be holding you back from losing weight, too.

You see, it’s not the programs and strategies to lose weight that fail you. Your mind is working perfectly well. There is nothing wrong with you. But your mind is running on beliefs that you value and believe are true. Remember, just because we believe something, doesn’t mean it is true. For example, you may believe that you would never steal anything because it goes against your beliefs. But, if you were told your child has a week to live if you didn’t steal something, would you change your belief? Most people say they beg, borrow, and steal to save another person’s life. They would change their entire mindset from thinking they could never do something to thinking they must do it no matter what.

But, would you change your mindset to do something for yourself? What belief is running through your mind about your worth? Have you been taught to put yourself last? What good does that do?

If you’d be interested in participating or listening to a free teleseminar next month about how to make changes drop me an email at Dr B@earthlink.net. I’ll add you to our guest list and make sure you get the info.

Why You Should Forgive Someone When You Don’t Want To

IMG_6728I know, I know. You’re most likely thinking you are the one who has been wronged and need an apology not the other way round. And, most likely, you’re right.  But (you knew it was coming), victim and victimizer are like a see-saw. We know how to play both roles.

This article will help you get relief. By this time in life, you probably have a story about the time(s) when you were wronged. It could be when you were abused or treated unfairly by people you love or harassed at work. Fill in you blank. We all have an inner story like this.

  •  Who do you blame for these feelings?
  • In your mind, how do you talk to this person?
  • If you blame yourself, how to you talk to yourself?

If it’s someone else you blame, you should know they may never apologize. The solution is not to get them to apologize. The solution is to forgive them anyway in order to be free. Break out of the prison of victimhood. Forgive so that you can get past where you’re stuck and quit telling the same old stories that bind you to people who have wronged you.

Think of a person you don’t want to forgive. Question your belief about what forgiveness means. It is not excusing their wrong. Question your belief about the influence of your life, such as “I’m this way because of what happened to me, because he/she cheated.” Is that really true? Or is it an excuse? Or maybe to let go of the excuse means your story/life has to change.

It’s not easy. Childhood hurts lodge themselves in the brain that change our views and behaviors. Mirror neurons pick up what someone puts out and other people pick up what we put out. If the feedback loop is, say distrustful, you will see that in others and they will feel it about you. That’s enough to make an effort to do some personal development work aimed toward feeling positive and free.

There are 3 levels of forgiveness.

The first one is practice. It’s like what we tell our children to say when they take another child’s toy, “Say, I’m sorry.” In grown-up talk, it’s “sorry about that, etc.” We’re not really feeling sorry, we just say we’re sorry. It’s a start. It’s part of the human ritual.

The second level requires thoughtful inquiry. We become psychologically engaged to figure out what we’re feeling and whether or not the other person actually meant to hurt you.

The third level may surprise you. Your heart can be opened by grace, compassion, seeing the nature of humankind or many other experiences that increase your awareness of oneness.

Counseling, meditation, and yoga are pathways to forgiveness. So is confession, the 5th step in the substance abuse 12-step program, and talking to your best friend. My favorite pathway is writing. Therapeutic writing allows you to feel your way through this process and you can refer back to it later to see your progress.

Why is this important? Because you are important. It’s unhealthy to harbor grudges, stuff feelings, or act-out unexamined beliefs. This can create disease, obesity, loneliness, and a bitter attitude toward life in general. If you’ve ever smoked, drank, or eaten too much because of feelings, you remember how good that felt in the moment but how bad it felt moments later.

We all need to start over sometimes. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying you don’t need to communicate your feelings to someone who’s hurt you. But, you have to start with you first. The person you most need to forgive may be yourself.

I have created an impactful free workbook to help you on your journey to forgive whoever it is in your life that needs forgiving. You can sign up here to get it and you’ll instantly receive the download in your inbox MOVING PAST STUCK HANDOUT.