Category Archives: Change

How to Accept What Is

Acceptance2A bit of a somber note, but let’s talk freely, shall we? We are friends.

These are stressful, even traumatic times. If you still watch the news, I think you will agree. We all can feel the impact on our senses, moods and nervous system. Observing traumatic events can traumatize us. It is important to differentiate what we can control and what we cannot. That doesn’t mean we are powerless. We are resilient and there is still happiness and love in our lives.

Practicing mindfulness and compassion in our daily lives strengthens our resiliency.  Practice is the key word here because we get better at anything we practice. The brain actually changes through mindfulness and compassion practice.

Let go of doing it perfectly. Give it a try and notice the outcome – the way you feel.

4 suggestions on how to do that…

1.) Practice meditation & name your feelings.

When emotions are suppressed or ignored, they turn into bigger problems that catch our attention, such as physical pain.  There is a saying to remedy this tendency. It is “Name it to tame it.”  Not so simple. We can’t always immediately identify our feelings. But, if we stop and just sit for a moment and “be”, it will come.

You’ll notice the feeling and a name(s) will come to mind. Ah! This is what it is like to feel, for example, powerless. Once you practice naming your feelings, the feelings become like smoke alarms notifying you that you should introduce something calming into your day. You begin to see clearly how emotions affect your life.

2.) Put out the welcome matt for your emotions. 

Don’t worry. They won’t stay long. Watch them show up, stay about 30 to 90 seconds, then leave. The joke is we think they are going to stay all day long, so we don’t want to let them in!

In meditation practice, we learn to welcome all of our emotions with generosity and kindness. Imagine someone bring you a flower knocking on your front door. Welcome them, take the flower, say goodbye.

3.) You’re not the Judge.

We often pretend we are the judge of the world ourselves. Look, everyone makes mistakes.  We all remember when we spilled the milk.  A tirade of judgment doesn’t undo it. It shuts us down and makes it harder to ‘fess up. Yes, I spilled the milk.”

Taking responsibility is an act of courage but then give compassion to yourself, which breeds confidence and helps us learn how not to spill the milk next time. Likely, you would not judge your best friend as harshly for spilling milk as you do yourself. Why is that? Develop kindness and compassion for yourself.

  1. We’re all in this together.

All around the world people are feeling scared and overwhelmed. It is our human condition and isolation makes it worse. Send compassion to both yourself and others who are suffering by using your prayers and mindfulness meditation practice.

I remember my meditation teacher, Jon Kabat-Zinn, telling the class, “You don’t have to like it but you do have to do it anyway.” ‘Nuff said.

5 Ways to Embrace Change

Chrysalis Emerging 9cIt can be difficult to deal with when we go through transition or change in our lives.

One thing is dying and another thing is born. If we transition from one thing to another thing, we have to let the first thing go (whatever it is).

If we have a conflict, we let go of something in that (the issue or the person), and we embrace something else.

Here are 5 techniques we can use to support the release of the old to fully embrace the new.

1. Determine who has the problem. It may not be yours and you may not need to fix things.

The ancient Poet Rumi wrote:

“In that moment you are drunk on yourself
You lock yourself away in cloud after cloud of grief,
And, in that moment, you leap free of yourself.
The moon catches you and hugs you in its arms”

2. Relax your jaw. Are you holding back on what you want to say?

3. Journal out loud.  Write in your journal. Find a time when you are alone and say what you need to say out loud. Get it off your chest. Then write about that. If you’d like to receive my free therapeutic writing course, click here to check it out. 

4. Try Reiki (I did!).  My frozen right shoulder released. A totally unexpected outcome and an unexpected emotional release. Thank you, Nicole!

5. Walk a Labyrinth. I’ve talked about the beauty and spiritual significance of this simple ritual of walking a labyrinth. You meet others. Everyone chooses their own path and we all end up in the Center. A good reminder of changes during the lifespan.

Two Sides to Every Story

old woman young womanSomething that came up for me during this season of change is the concept of phenomenology. It is defined as the science of phenomena as distinct from that of the nature of being. It’s the study of an individual’s lived experience.

The picture on the right shows us a young woman. Or does it? Look closer, and it’s both a young woman and an old woman. What did your experience of this image show you first?

I was playing with this concept the other night when I was reviewing a short story that I’ve been working on for years off and on. More off then on.

The experts say we should be able to write one sentence that tells the reader what a story is about. I thought I would give that a whirl, since I already had a sentence I liked. But, in re-reading it, it didn’t tell anyone what the story was about at all.

I originally wrote,

“A photograph sets in motion a hunt for a killer.  Two FBI agents, combining white trash smarts and Native American tracking skills, make capturing a killer look like a walk in the park, a trailer park, that is.”

I re-wrote it like this:

“When a young boy finds his murdered mother in a freezer, who could predict he would suffer in silence and direct his rage toward his absent father and the women he loved?”

At first glance, you would never even think this was the same story. This happens all the time in real life.

For example, a client tells a story he/she thinks is the problem. When we look at the bigger picture and ask what is this really about, an entirely different story emerges. It’s not really the husband’s drinking or the wife’s spending that’s the issue. It’s the betrayal and hurt felt as a child by each of them that has triggered their behaviors.

This is so important for us to consider as we are thinking about what motivates or suppresses us and how we feel about others. It affords a look through different eyes with grace and understanding.

JOURNAL EXERCISE:

Turn this around a bit for yourself. Sit and journal about it. Ask yourself, “What is the whole story behind my motivation to do THIS thing or what is holding me back?” Write the answer down, but keep asking this question over and over until you get to the very root of the story. Come back to it another day and ask yourself the same question again. Don’t be surprised if you change your mind the second time or find something new to add.

I’d love to read what you come up with. Feel free to email me or drop me a comment on Facebook or LinkedIn and let me know.

The Trap of the Familiar

Skww3mhwSfWKD1w9JNIT_fileThe trap of the familiar is our tendency to seek comfort in the known and familiar experiences we have had. It is human nature, so don’t berate yourself if you align yourself with others with whom you find familiarity and comfort.

This seemingly unconscious desire to align with what or who we already know, rather than that which feels uncertain and insecure, gives rise to an inability to see and experience the truth. We are locked into a narrower perspective and miss out on an array of possibilities in every area of life, including personal growth and expression of your creativity.

Opening ourselves up to feelings of discomfort is not easy at first, but it’s almost always worth it. We need to be ready and willing to enter into mental spaces where we are not necessarily at ease. We need to face our fear of letting go.

It would be too deterministic to believe there is some set of simple instructions or protocols that can lead us to a place of harmony. If you have a strategy or tactic or some kind of fix that you think will have a particular result, you’re coming from a place of knowing rather than not knowing. Coming from a place of not knowing is more likely to lead us to greater harmony and openness. So we begin with simply not knowing.

So, examine your ideas and beliefs and be ready to drop them. Everything we need is already in us or around us—we simply need to move past any fixed perspective.

Try this powerful exercise. 

Just for the fun of it, take a sheet of paper and draw a box, divide into four quadrants. Write these questions in each of the quadrants.

Question 1: What do I hate doing?
Question 2: What is NOT my job?
Question3: What should I stop doing?
Question 4: What are my distractions?

Be honest. Next, analyze your list and identify the #1 action step you will make to get closer to your vision of your creative self. For that you will need to free up time. Once you have delegated, eliminated, or automated all the things that are killing your time and spirit, you’ll have freed up “hidden” hours each week and brought yourself closer to expressing yourself or trying the unfamiliar.

What do you want to have in your free box? Make a life list, a bucket list, vision board, etc. and write a couple in your free box with a date by when you’d like to do this. Put it on your calendar – just for fun – to get your brain wrapped around this and you will automatically start to come up with strategies. Like magic.

If you are still pretending you are “fine”, read this article about Smiling Depression. Smiling Depression is when we’re depressed but we smile and tell everyone we’re fine. See if this is you.
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/smiling-depression

5 Ways to Have the Good Life

Destination - Good Life-mediumI doubt you would go on vacation without a destination and a map. You would make plans. You would be successful in reaching your destination. You can accomplish something similarly with daily, monthly, and yearly goals.

If your definition of “the good life” is something thousands of other people have already achieved, and you are not pleased with your progress, review your strategies. Something’s missing or you’ve gotten lost in the swamp of everyday distractions. If you’re working hard and not getting the results you deserve, STOP! Step back. Re-calculate. You need a better plan!

You don’t have to aim to be the best at something or even what you or other people consider “successful”. Choose what would make YOU feel successful, satisfied, or happy.

When people are truly happy and living a good life, they have done certain things to get there. For the most part, the things they do are simple, ordinary things we all can do.

Here’s a short list of 5 to use as your map to destination good life.

1.) Find the courage to choose specific, concrete goals. You can’t have or do everything, so make choices from your bucket list. If you can’t make a choice, try creating a vision board. The act of putting a vision board together could help you get more clear. Learn more about creating a vision board. 

2.)  Focus on personal development first, external achievement second. To have more, become more. More what, you ask? You may want to become more accepting of yourself, excited, motivated, and genuine. Or you may need to fill a gap between you and your goal by learning a skill or technique that you don’t know. You can take a class or join a networking group of like-minded people to do this.

3.) You do not have to know how do everything. There are plenty of experts, books, counselors, and coaches to help you. Make a list of the top 5 books, blogs, or podcasts on the subject and build time into your schedule to read or listen.

4.)  Get your calendar out and take time to plan and have the discipline to commit to your plan. You can do something every day or week. Baby steps help you keep your focus. Never give up.

5.)  Work smart. If you aren’t getting the results you anticipated, consult with someone (or have a good talk with yourself), review your plan, and devise a better plan. You have not failed. It’s called editing and re-writing. You know how many times writers re-write their novels? Or how many times I re-wrote this article? Think of you plan as a set of binoculars. You may need to keep adjusting the view until it’s clear.

Maps are not perfect and sometimes we need to venture off the main road to get to where we want to wind up.

For more personalized help developing a strategy that will help you create the life you truly want, please consider coaching. This is the perfect time to get started. Every journey starts with the first step.  We can talk it over and decide the best way forward.

Tips to Let Your Light Shine in 2020

7_Essential_Habits_of_Glowing_People_1024x10241. Guard your creative time like a Mama Bear guarding her cubs. She knows what is important and so do you.

You don’t’ have to choose just one thing to let shine in your life. It could be writing, organizing your office, work life, house, etc.

The point is to give yourself time to pursue something important to you. You would make time to go to the hair dresser and get your nails done, right? How do you make that happen? You put it on your calendar and you look forward to your appointment. Do the same thing with creative time. Put it on your calendar and to do list. You may have to retrain yourself to let your time be your time because intrusive thoughts will want your attention. All of a sudden you “remember” you need to pick up milk. No, picking up milk is for another time on your calendar.

2. Allow your dreams to come to mind. Don’t shut them down. What are your big dreams? Your little dreams? Here are categories to help you get started with thinking about ways to care for yourself that will help you be your best self and shine. Add in other categories or subcategories that make sense for you. You could include vacations, milestones, etc. Then move to step 3 below.

  • Relationships
  • Health
  • Work
  • Creativity
  • Spiritual Life
  • Community Life

3.) View this list as a lump of clay that you can form into a perfect sculpture of your life. Take some out, add some in until you get the picture of what is important to you in 2020. List 10 things in each category that you think you would like to do, be, see, or achieve in 2020. You can list more than 10! Then, answer the following questions. ??

  • If you could achieve one goal in your personal life, what would it be?
  • If you could only do one thing on your list, what would it be?
  • Now, here is the hard part (well, maybe it won’t seem hard): What will you let go of in 2020?
Last year, I created a “Protect Your Energy Planner” just for you! This year, I’m sharing it again for you to use in 2020. You can read about it and download it HERE. It would make a great complement to this exercise! My gift to you.

The Experience of In Between

Kaleidoscope_ViewpointsNobody likes being left out, abandoned, different, and unwelcomed. Yet, it is a common experience when we are “in-between.”  Not where we were and not where we are yet to be.

People feel in-between while they are waiting for a divorce, retiring from work, getting sicker, moving to new homes, or changing jobs. We like the familiar and will often stay with the familiar (spouse, job, church, neighborhood, country) until something motivates us to change. If you watch “Naked and Afraid,” you have seen them land on a beautiful beach, they choose to enter the treacherous jungle with no guarantee there will be food or they will survive. They have to transition themselves into a very humble way of being in order to just survive the challenge.

That’s what we do. It’s always been like that, right?

Perhaps you’ve sent in your DNA sample to find out your genetic heritage. We’re all so excited to see if what we thought is true and to see what we didn’t know about ourselves. I had been told we were “Scotch Irish’ and from England but I wasn’t expecting Finnish and Northern Russia!  Probably a few brave or desperate souls traveled across Europe. I’d like to know their stories. Wouldn’t you like to know your ancestors’ stories? Our country is full of them. We all came from somewhere. They had to leave the familiar. They were not always welcomed. They were different from those who were already here. They lived in-between trying to find “there.”

It’s always been that way.

Our world population can be compared to a kaleidoscope that is constantly changing. A kaleidoscope can be beautiful and every change can be amazing or it can feel confusing and busy.

Wars, fires, famines, floods, hurricanes, and heat force people to move and change. Almost everyone has stories of people who moved into your neighborhood after these events, even if it was temporary. Katrina changed the landscape, for example. Help was available. Were the strangers welcomed? Not always.

It takes courage to wait and be patient or live through challenges and struggles to get to a better state of being.

It’s always been that way.

Now, we see people fleeing their familiar on our southern border. They must feel as though they’ve entered a jungle with no promise of anything. They are in-between.

Can we find compassion for someone different? Can we remember our own ancestors and the stories we learned about who we are, celebrating our DNA strands? Or will it take another hundred years to understand human tribal behavior?

Sometimes, there is hope on the other side of the “in between”. I’d like to see everyone come out of their in between in a better state of being. In our human history, that hasn’t always been the case. We can choose to make the other side of in between better.

Does it always have to be that way? 

If you need help with your in between, you can schedule a consultation here.  You may also contact me at 601-684-9657 or e-mail me at patriciabrawley@earthlink.net

What Are You Truly Fired Up to Focus On?

Figuring this out is the first step to setting your goal. (**You can download the accompanying workbook and ebook journal with all the goal setting steps at the bottom of this article).

A quick note before we get to the goods, I just want to let you know that I’m going to be putting out a ton of AMAZING free content this year as a way to give back, but only those subscribed to my newsletter will get it. So, go on over to the right side of this page and sign up, so you don’t miss it. You’ll also get my free course on Therapeutic Writing when you do. I’m so excited to see how it all unfolds for you! 

There may be several areas of your life that you’d like to improve by setting goals. You know that you’d feel happy when you completed them. But what’s the one goal that you really want to accomplish? What’s the one that fills you with excitement and makes your heart beat fast as you dream of the possibilities?

You want to pursue goals that excite you because you’ll be more motivated to achieve them. When you encounter roadblocks, you’ll be more likely to find a way to overcome them. Passion is the fuel that will drive you forward and enable you to keep going when things are tough.

What one thing, if completed, would be the tipping point for everything else you want to do?

You can transform your life by pursing a single goal. Think about the weight loss transformations you see in magazines or the inspirational stories of employees who built their dream business while working full-time. It all started with a single goal that changed the direction of their lives.

Why is this goal important?

Once you know what your goal is and you feel passionate about it, you need to dig deep to discover why this goal matters to you. This is important because you have to know what’s motivating you. On the bad days when you encounter setbacks, your motivation will have to be powerful enough to give you the strength to keep going.

Your motivation doesn’t have to be about you. For example, if you’re an obese parent, maybe you’re afraid that you won’t live to see your child graduate high school unless you change how you eat. In this case, your motivation is your child. So when you’ve had a horrible day and want to do emotional eating, you think of your child in his or her graduation gown.

What’s the first step?

Now that you know what you want, it can be helpful to make a list. You should write down all the ways your life will benefit when you’ve achieved your goal. This list can help you stay motivated and give you the courage to keep going after your dream.

While you may not realize it right now, setting and achieving one goal that’s important to you should be the start of your brand new life. It will transform you into a different person, one that’s more confident and happier than before.

Click here to download the full e-book journal with all 4 steps to goal setting.

Click here to download the goal setting workbook.

What’s in Your Sandbox?

sandcastleWe adult often take life so seriously that we block our own growth with a lack of creativity. We schedule and discipline ourselves into our routines so much that we lose our sense of truly living in the process. We’ve become so busy in our everyday lives that having hobbies today is almost a rare situation for people.

But why should we care about hobbies? Why is having play in our lives important?

Playing relieves stress. This is a scientific fact, and it’s not hard for us to experience the results of how we feel when we live in play. Don’t you feel good after doing or seeing something that makes you laugh? What is it like after a nice bike ride, swim, walk or game of tennis? Doing what you love helps you to create your “happy place”.

You’ll have better relationships with others. Trying new things gives you the opportunity to meet new people or form deeper bonds with the people in your life that you want to spend time with. You may learn that someone is good at something you never knew about or that you are.

Stimulate your mind to think in new and exciting ways. Having fun, trying new things, and being in a different setting are ways to stimulate your mind. Because we are focusing on something different or new, our brain has no choice to be present and focused to absorb it…being present…how about that for a change?

The options for what you can do are limitless. Painting, coloring, sewing, joining a book club, biking, bowling are just a few. And, you don’t have to make a huge commitment to something. Once a week or a few minutes a day of embracing something you love to do is enough.

The best part of this is you aren’t obligated to stick with anything. Just get in the sandbox of life and try different things!

Be the Star in Your Own Show

YOUActors develop this skill to new heights. Sounds like fun? Most actors call it work. They have to study a character’s way of talking, walking, style, accent, expressions, emotions — well, everything about that imagined person. Then, they present a performance that seems real and memorable to us. He/she enacts a character’s body not so much to imitate but to feels as though their own body is living differently in a special world (stage or movie). If they flub up, the director will say they are “out of character.”

All this work/fun takes a toll on an actor’s sense of self and identity. We don’t think much about it, but losing one’s self in a stage character can be jarring. The actor has to suddenly come back to the real world, and it can take some time to adjust to who they really are. A role can even permanently change the actor by forcing him/her to think differently than they did before it.

We are all actors. We all play a role in life. We learned the part in our families growing up.

But it may be time to learn a new part and be the star in a different show.

In therapy, we urge our clients to become their “authentic selves” rather than their “conditioned selves”. In other words, we want you to develop and express your true nature, likes/dislikes, personality, and real preferences. We want you to do what you really wanted before you were told who to be like, what to do, what to think, how to act.

Often this feeling of not being true to oneself is what brings a person to therapy. They may feel conflicted or depressed. If they become who they really are, they believe it will disappoint family and peers. Perhaps they are right. An actor describes how each step of putting on stage makeup creates his character. He said, he “would look in the mirror and wait until he came and was looking back at me.”

Compare that to times you know you are not being genuine.  Maybe you have a job that requires you to act a certain way. That’s not necessarily a bad thing but you do feel the difference when you come home and drop that role by the door, don’t you? . Any time you look in the mirror and feel like you are seeing someone else’s life instead of yours, you are not being your authentic self. You know what I’m talking about, right?

Some people rebel and become the complete opposite just to assert themselves.  Others continue to live the lives imposed by parents and peers but with an uneasy feeling that this is not their true self. They have taken on a role that is lived out in the stage of their environment. This takes a toll.

To learn more about your authentic self, visualize yourself at a movie theater. The music plays, a curtain comes up on the screen, and there you are: a star. Only this time, the actress is made up to look like you.  She has studied the genuine and authentic you. She knows how you would sound. How you would walk, what you would enjoy talking about, what your imagined life would look like and it’s all there for you to see.  If she gets it right, how do you feel? If she “flubs up” how is she out of character?

On the stage of life, you are the director, the actor and, at times, the audience. Make it a great show!