Category Archives: Self Love

This is not like me.

personlookingatthinselfHave you ever said that to yourself? It could have been a time when you blurted out something you regretted saying or did something out of character and felt embarrassed. Maybe, other people even said that about you, “That’s not like her.”

More personally, when you look in the mirror, do you ever judge yourself and think, “This is not me. The real me is much slimmer and younger!” This short pronouncement can lead to a sense of something being wrong, a disease of the body driven by the mind causing distraction and anguish.

There are times when “This is not me” is useful. For example, when you have a sense you’re getting sick but the doctor says everything is normal. That feeling of something in the body being “off” doesn’t go away and usually motivates us to get back to what we think we used to be. Exercising, sleeping more, and drinking less are all pursued with hope that we will re-capture how we used to be.

If we know or perceive our bodies to be different than we desire, there is a tendency to try lots of tactics to create or re-capture the body we think we used to have…when it fell in line with “That’s me.”

But, what is “me”?

If I had you draw an outline of your body and look at your hands, would that be you? If I asked you to color in areas that are sore, stiff, fat, etc. would that be you? No. But, if I asked you about belly fat, would you think that was you? It seems there a zillion commercials and testimonies about belly fat these days.

When you think about your real “me”, it’s likely to center on your heart. Everyone has a dream or vision of what they would be like if circumstances would cooperate and a full expression of talents in a body that fits the vision could appear. It is important to examine these whispered longings of dreams. Do you hide them? Have you given up on them? Is that part of the reason the image in the mirror doesn’t feel like you?

Since everything changes and we are subject to aging and all that comes with it, it’s likely some dreams are screaming to be realized and some are the yearnings of days gone by — not really what you want for yourself at this time in life. Isn’t it time to discover what is most important to you now because “now” is always the perfect time?

Let yourself dream…try it on in your imagination until if feels like you. Ask yourself these questions. Does it make you smile? Feel lighter? Motivate change? Do you want to sabotage your current self? Stay the same? Hide from yourself? Do you think this is good for your mental and physical health?

Maybe you’ll become conscious of what your body needs and doesn’t need in order to feel like the “me” you want to be. Maybe you’ll decide not to write the novel of the century you had in mind but instead to focus on writing the most delicious emails to people you care about. We’ve all chased dreams that wound up being an unwise choices. Don’t worry, you won’t do that again. Or maybe you learned and you’re ready to shape your life and create an environment to suit yourself.

Keep dreaming until you dream yourself into a new reality…one you will create and relish. Take action because you are not just a number or phrase. There is more to your “me” than that!

The difference between bad habits and unresolved emotions

We all have good habits and bad habits. No one is perfect and they make us who we are. Some of our bad habits are easier to change than others.  We develop some of our bad habits because of other influences in our lives. They could be a result of who we spend our time with or as a result of our environment.

For example, if all of your co-workers go to McDonald’s for lunch every day and you never ate fast food, you may find yourself falling into the bad habit of going with them when you know that what you really need is a good salad. Or maybe you stay up late one night to watch television and you can’t fall asleep at your normal time for the next few nights because of it. That happened as a result of a repeated negative behavior. And sometimes habits like this are easy to break with small adjustments and a little will power.

But then, there are the bad habits that are really stubborn are the most deeply rooted. These habits are tied to our emotions and they are the hardest to break. In order to break these bad habits, you have to be aware of the emotions you are feeling when you carry out these behaviors. For example, you may have developed the habit of going to the cupboard and getting sweets when you were board as a child. The cookies and doughnuts were there for you when you needed to feel a little happy. And you parent may have always made sure there was a ready supply because they and you enjoyed them. They weren’t thinking about sabotaging your future weight loss goals. But, this habit you formed as a child associated with boredom was taught and your brain remembers it.

To combat these habits, you must become aware of them and give yourself a new way to cope with those feelings.

If you want to learn more about this, sign up here to immediately receive an mp3 of my 30-minute teleseminar with handout http://themuseskiss.com/loseweightforlifecall/. In it, I will give you a tool to help you control your emotional triggers.

You may be suffering from trauma and not even know it

I’m going to talk about this in terms of weight loss, but I think there’s a lesson here connected with all of our behaviors. When you reach for that next bite of whatever is calling to you, is it real hunger you feel or are you getting emotional comfort from that food?

If you are, it’s not your fault! Whether you realize it or not, you’ve suffered some type of trauma in your lifetime. Whether it was something small like falling down and scraping your knee or big like being physically or emotionally abused, we’ve all been through stuff. We are often comforted with food even as little babies. Our parents would give us a bottle to comfort us.

We celebrate with food in good times, use food as a source of energy, and use food to console us in bad times. So, the next time you reach for something yummy, ask yourself why you want that food and what other times you eat that food. Do you always grab the chocolate after a long day at work?

If you want to learn how you can recognize trauma and change your behavior (no matter if it’s food that’s your vice or a different behavior), sign up here for my free 30-minute call on How to Lose Weight for Life http://themuseskiss.com/loseweightforlifecall/.

What Do You Mean, I’m TOO OLD To Drink?

Yes, I know you’re over 21 and can do what you darn well please, including drinking. But, do you want to? You may not realize how dangerous it is for seniors to drink. If you or your family members are taking any medications (like Aspirin) and you still drink alcohol, you need to read this!

Alcohol helps many people relax or cope with changes in their lives. It’s not that easy to down-size, retire, deal with adult children and, possibly, aging parents at the same time. This is the plight of people over 55 years-old.

You’re not alone. You have family and friends going through the same thing. Let’s have another round. Put a few more ice cubes in my drink. What’s wrong with that? The doctor said a couple of glasses of wine was good for my health.

I’ll share a story with you. I was recently in a counseling session with an older couple whose marriage was in trouble. The wife was upset that her husband had stopped doing nearly everything. He was almost completely inactive and had become an entirely different person mentally and physically. Once I had the chance to talk to them, we figured out he was taking 3 or 4 powerful prescription meds that minimize one’s energy and drinking alcohol almost daily. Now who would feel like doing anything under those circumstances?

The couple didn’t realize how many depressive meds the husband was taking because he received them slowly over time and the dosages increased. They didn’t think of the drugs as downers because they were from a doctor and used to help with serious conditions. To add to that, he would take over-the-counter meds like Aspirin and give no thought to the effect it would have on his body.

Maybe this hasn’t happened to you but, for many, the glass of wine turns into a life-altering disease. Ask any director of a treatment center and you will hear those stories. How does this happen?

The fact is we get older and body functions (like metabolism) slow down. Two drinks feel and look like four. Because the liver and kidneys do not function as well as they once did and because 83% of people over age 65 are taking prescription drugs (for pain, anxiety, insomnia), your body has to process more than just the two drinks. And, the prescription drugs enhance the effects of alcohol. In negative ways.

We drink alcohol and take medications for the same reason — to feel better. Many people also have a history of using illicit drugs. The number of older adults using illicit drugs is expected to double by 2020 to 3.5 million people!

So, you can see why many people are shocked to learn what they’ve always done is now something they need to quit. Just at a time when all the stresses of aging and change are happening, and both physical and mental pains are emerging.  And you may think, “But, it’s always worked before.”

You may be shocked to know why it’s different now and the simple medications that become harmful when they are coupled with any amount of alcohol. Because I care so deeply about senior health and happiness, I’ve written a full FREE report on this subject, which includes a list of drug interactions. Click here to download it now.

3 Ways to Take Back Your Power

Have you ever wondered why some people have a positive, uplifting vibe and others don’t? We all have both positive and negative states of being or moods. There is a way to have more steady positive experiences. First, we should examine limiting beliefs that were given to us or acquired from others that hold us back. Here are a few examples:

“I can’t be happy if everything in my life is not as I want it.”

 ” I can’t be in a good mood if someone around me is in a bad mood.”

“I can’t be happy if something is bad or going wrong in my life.”

” I don’t know how to be in a good mood on my own.”

Do you see how beliefs such as these can hold you back from taking responsibility for your own happiness? They also create a dependency upon others to provide just the right words and actions to cheer us up. As soon as they look away, the mood would be hard to recapture.

You can change this habit and you should. Here’s how.

Change your mindset. Nothing is going to be perfect forever. Happiness comes in fleeting moments, but we can have more of it if we practice creating more joy and happiness in our lives, no matter the circumstances. Yes, even in the midst of turmoil and despair, you can simply look out the window at a sunrise or revel in the beauty of nature. You can write in your gratitude journal for what you do have. Breathing is number one. Every breath you take is a gift.

Take back your power. You have no control over what other people feel or believe. You are not responsible for their happiness nor are they yours. It feels wonderful when there is a win-win, but it’s not required for your happiness. Take responsibility. Set an intention every day that no matter what other people say, do, or feel, you have the ability to be with them, love them, agree or not agree, and to maintain your intention to have a good day. Keep your energy positive. If you slip into a negative mood, you can naturally shift it back to a positive one.

Find what lights you up inside. With practice and time, your beliefs about happiness will change. You’ll learn that even in the midst of grief, chaos, and change, you can find something inside yourself to experience joy. It doesn’t have to be a big thing.  Here are a few ideas:

  • Enjoy beautiful music that you enjoy like this majestic video composed by Blake Scafidel https://youtu.be/d58wulf8RXA or whatever tickles your fancy.
  • dancing — remember, when you were a kid you didn’t care what you looked like, it came naturally.
  • singing — when you were a kid you thought you were a great singer. It’s only with age and conditioning that we begin to believe otherwise.
  • lighting candles, scented or not
  • fresh flowers on your desk
  • telling jokes, watching movies that make you laugh
  • meditating and/or praying
  • playing with pets
  • stop judging yourself and others –accept there is where you are (and them, too)
  • turn off the news
  • read
  • garden
  • write

Remember that you have control over your happiness despite circumstances. Trust yourself. You will be okay. Set you intention every day, i.e. “I will have a good day, be grateful for beauty, and face issues with joy and grace.”

An Exercise to Let Go and Embrace Transformation

Do something to signify change from that old way of being, believing or habits. You can write a letter to yourself. Create something that represents the old beliefs and burn it in a fire, or take a bath in Epsom Salts.

If you like the idea of writing but aren’t sure how to get started, check out my free Therapeutic Writing e-course here http://www.themuseskiss.com/brawley_free_writing_download.html.

How to Enjoy Your Holidays with The “Book-End” Plan

bookendIf you’re running ragged and wondering how to enjoy the holidays more, you are not alone. The topics and magazine cover titles about stress, weight gain, weight loss, recipes, party ideas, and crafts to make on the spur of the moment are everywhere. It’s enough to make you want to pull the covers over your head and wait till it’s all over.

Here’s a plan that will carry over to the New Year and help you enjoy all days, not just the holidays. I call it the “Book-End Plan.” In case you don’t know, a bookend is a support that comes at the beginning and end of a row of books. The first book-end in your life is your morning and the last one is a set time in the afternoon or evening.

The good news is that you don’t have to buy anything or create anything for your morning book-end. Simply do something you like. Allow enough time to enjoy your morning plan. Here are some suggestions.

  • Read a meditation or devotional thoughtfully appreciating the day and that you are breathing.
  • Do some yoga.
  • Enjoy a cup of your favorite tea/coffee.
  • Write a page in your journal (perhaps about a dream you had last night).

The second book-end marks the end of your day and helps you wind down. It could come at the end of your work day or while you are getting ready for bed. The important thing is you pick a time that you can allow yourself to stay relaxed for the rest of the night.

This doesn’t cost anything, and you already have ideas of things you’d like to do even if you haven’t done them. Maybe you’ve been wanting to sit in a candlelit bath, so why not try it now? Or maybe you’d enjoy spending special time with the kids. Change it up and make it special, something you will look forward to.

Starting the day off on a positive note inspires you to tackle holiday and work tasks. Sure, there’s always more to do. That’s what we call stress! But, if you know that at the end of your day, (the other book-end plan) is waiting for you, you will transition the day, enjoy it much more, and sleep well.

Your Road Map for Success is Ready

Everybody has an idea of how things could be better. Most of the time we are aware of what’s going right for us as well as the areas of our lives we hope to improve, like relationships, health, or finances.

I’d like you to participate in a short exercise with me, so I can show you how you can have the things you want once you discover what’s holding you back. Use your answers as a road map to overcome the obstacles in your life.

So, I invite you to take out a notebook or come back here later (meaning in the very near future like tonight or tomorrow) and answer these questions. You will be surprised at what you’ll find. You can spend as little or as much time as you need on these but be sure to answer thoughtfully.

This first question deserves some careful thought. You’ll want to take it seriously and write down whatever comes to mind. Now is not the time to suppress, dismiss, or criticize what your mind presents. Ready? Here is the question: In your life, what are you NOT willing to change or do to have the success you want?

What am I talking about? Here is example. If you say you wish for better health but you’re not willing to quit smoking, eat better, or exercise and you know it, that would be your answer. There are answers to all the areas of your life you want to improve. If you’re in a bad relationship but you’re not willing to move on, write that down. Writing these things down does not mean you have to act on anything ….just yet.

The answers to the question are clear markers on your roadmap. They are holding you back, controlling your life, keeping you from having what you say you want.

When you feel like you understand the things you are not willing to do are part of your problems, you will have to ask the next question. What do I need to do to see a different result? For example, if you want to be healthier but you don’t want to stop doing what you’re doing now, how can you get healthier? People don’t like to change their mind because it’s the mind that is set on keeping you from change.

You could even have thoughts about terrible things that would happen to you if you changed. The anxiety level of looking at that first list and thinking about changing can bring on a panic attack! But, take a deep breath and remember you are safe. You are only writing your thoughts on paper. So, let loose.

No ask yourself why are the things you aren’t willing to change so important to you? (Write your answers down). How did you come to value them so much over something that is good for you? How much do you value your life?

For many of you it will be easier to answer this question if I ask you to think about this scenario. A kidnapper sent a message that says, “Unless you paid $20,000.00, your loved one will be killed.” Would you exhaust every possibility to save his/her life? Of course you would. You’d beg, borrow, get a loan, sell everything to raise the money, right?

Would you do those same things to save yourself? Would you save, earn, invest, learn, and act on good decisions to have success in your life?

When you value your life as much as another’s life, you’ll move forward on your roadmap to success. If you’re thinking you’re not important enough, that the situation is not right, or “someday” you’ll change, you’re telling yourself a lie and not valuing what is important.

Are these things truly more important than making positive changes? If they are, than stop feeling guilty and make the decision to be happy the way you are.

The Lost and Found Department for Weight Loss

Ever had that sinking feeling when you started to leave the store and realized you had lost your car keys?

The sinking feeling morphs into panic and your whole being goes into overdrive. You are looking everywhere and you finally remember there is a Lost And Found department. Ah! You run there ever so fast and see the clerk pulling the door closed and you hear the lock turn, just as you make it there.

But, you know she’s there. You still feel there’s a chance she’ll hear your plea and open the door just for you.  So, in rising voice, you beg for the door to open – all you need is a peek! And your prayers answered. She opens the door just a slit as if she’s doing something wrong and listens to your story. She smiles, “Yes, someone turned that in earlier. I’ll get it for you.” Then, she hands over your item. Tears are not enough to show your thanks, but you try to tell her how good she is and how much you appreciate what she did for you.

The panic feeling washes out of your body replaced by feelings of happiness and relief. You tell yourself, “I’ll never do that again.”

Imagine that the next week you’re shopping at the same store and you lose your keys again. You turn up at the same Lost and Found department and talk to the same helpful lady. She has them. The scene is repeated and you tell yourself again, “I’m never going to lose my keys again.” But, you do.

How would you feel if you did this every week?! Would you allow yourself to keep losing your keys or would you recognize a “pattern”? Now, think about how many times you’ve lost weight. How many times did you gain it back? Isn’t it a little like the Lost and Found story? You suddenly become aware you’ve lost weight! You’re happy and relieved.

BUT, soon you’re at the Lost and Found begging for the pounds be returned to you. And, they are no matter how many times you’ve lost them. That may sound silly but it’s about 99.9% true for most people. There are thousands of people pounding on the Lost and Found door wanting their weight to be returned to them. I can hear you. You’re saying, “I didn’t want my lost pounds to return. They came back on their own.”

Really?

Think about the choices you made right before your pounds showed up in your life after you thought they were gone for good. Just as it would be ludicrous for us to keep losing our keys, the same is true when we repeatedly lose and gain weight.

Here’s why you do it. Despite what we’ve been taught, we are all emotionally hungry in some way. That’s right. We all connect with food emotionally in some way, but society and the media don’t touch on this part of weight management. So, I’m here to tell you that before you can be seriously committed to any weight loss plan or address any challenges you have around eating or weight loss, you need to look inside yourself first.

If you would like to learn more about this, Click Below to sign up and download my free quiz on identifying your eating personality and emotional eating type.

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The Things We Think We Have To Do – Are You Sabotaging Your Dreams?

If I asked you to make a list of all the things you think you have to do would it go on forever? If I asked you to mark the ones you think you absolutely have to do, you’d have a shorter list. Some would be related to work or family, some friends and some moral codes.

Now, If I asked you to make a list of what you have to do for yourself – just you – how long is your list now? Is it the shortest list? Why is that?

Enough questions. But, I hope it got you thinking about the things you would like to do for yourself. I’d like to make it easier for you to grow into a place where you can do things for yourself and not feel guilty! For example, just think of how many diet programs and food plans are available to solve our weight problems for us. They all work but most don’t last. Why is that?

The same mind, mostly our unconscious mind, keeps us stuck doing the same thing over and over to sabotage what we say we want to achieve. In this example, it would be in the lose weight – gain weight pattern.

You hear people say, “It didn’t work.” “I couldn’t keep up the plan.” “It’s too expensive and time consuming.” Most people don’t succeed at losing weight with only products. Products don’t measure our desire, emotions, sense of urgency, and fears. True, if we feel a bigger sense of urgency to lose weight, we have a better chance. But how long does a sense of urgency last before we give up and eat to handle emotional needs or to handle stress? I’ll tell you why.

Their success has everything to do with mindset.

You can develop insight to understand your mindset about losing weight (or other goals) by writing answers to all the questions in this article. The next one is very important. Think about it.

What is it you’re not willing to change to have the success you want? Write these things down. Go through your life and be honest. The things you write down control your life. These things may be holding you back from losing weight, too.

You see, it’s not the programs and strategies to lose weight that fail you. Your mind is working perfectly well. There is nothing wrong with you. But your mind is running on beliefs that you value and believe are true. Remember, just because we believe something, doesn’t mean it is true. For example, you may believe that you would never steal anything because it goes against your beliefs. But, if you were told your child has a week to live if you didn’t steal something, would you change your belief? Most people say they beg, borrow, and steal to save another person’s life. They would change their entire mindset from thinking they could never do something to thinking they must do it no matter what.

But, would you change your mindset to do something for yourself? What belief is running through your mind about your worth? Have you been taught to put yourself last? What good does that do?

If you’d be interested in participating or listening to a free teleseminar next month about how to make changes drop me an email at Dr B@earthlink.net. I’ll add you to our guest list and make sure you get the info.

Why You Should Forgive Someone When You Don’t Want To

IMG_6728I know, I know. You’re most likely thinking you are the one who has been wronged and need an apology not the other way round. And, most likely, you’re right.  But (you knew it was coming), victim and victimizer are like a see-saw. We know how to play both roles.

This article will help you get relief. By this time in life, you probably have a story about the time(s) when you were wronged. It could be when you were abused or treated unfairly by people you love or harassed at work. Fill in you blank. We all have an inner story like this.

  •  Who do you blame for these feelings?
  • In your mind, how do you talk to this person?
  • If you blame yourself, how to you talk to yourself?

If it’s someone else you blame, you should know they may never apologize. The solution is not to get them to apologize. The solution is to forgive them anyway in order to be free. Break out of the prison of victimhood. Forgive so that you can get past where you’re stuck and quit telling the same old stories that bind you to people who have wronged you.

Think of a person you don’t want to forgive. Question your belief about what forgiveness means. It is not excusing their wrong. Question your belief about the influence of your life, such as “I’m this way because of what happened to me, because he/she cheated.” Is that really true? Or is it an excuse? Or maybe to let go of the excuse means your story/life has to change.

It’s not easy. Childhood hurts lodge themselves in the brain that change our views and behaviors. Mirror neurons pick up what someone puts out and other people pick up what we put out. If the feedback loop is, say distrustful, you will see that in others and they will feel it about you. That’s enough to make an effort to do some personal development work aimed toward feeling positive and free.

There are 3 levels of forgiveness.

The first one is practice. It’s like what we tell our children to say when they take another child’s toy, “Say, I’m sorry.” In grown-up talk, it’s “sorry about that, etc.” We’re not really feeling sorry, we just say we’re sorry. It’s a start. It’s part of the human ritual.

The second level requires thoughtful inquiry. We become psychologically engaged to figure out what we’re feeling and whether or not the other person actually meant to hurt you.

The third level may surprise you. Your heart can be opened by grace, compassion, seeing the nature of humankind or many other experiences that increase your awareness of oneness.

Counseling, meditation, and yoga are pathways to forgiveness. So is confession, the 5th step in the substance abuse 12-step program, and talking to your best friend. My favorite pathway is writing. Therapeutic writing allows you to feel your way through this process and you can refer back to it later to see your progress.

Why is this important? Because you are important. It’s unhealthy to harbor grudges, stuff feelings, or act-out unexamined beliefs. This can create disease, obesity, loneliness, and a bitter attitude toward life in general. If you’ve ever smoked, drank, or eaten too much because of feelings, you remember how good that felt in the moment but how bad it felt moments later.

We all need to start over sometimes. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying you don’t need to communicate your feelings to someone who’s hurt you. But, you have to start with you first. The person you most need to forgive may be yourself.

I have created an impactful free workbook to help you on your journey to forgive whoever it is in your life that needs forgiving. You can sign up here to get it and you’ll instantly receive the download in your inbox MOVING PAST STUCK HANDOUT.