Category Archives: Change

The Taste of Bitterness

tongue-bitterBumping up against the same obstacle in your life over and over again can be frustrating and exhausting. Everyone has something they struggle with. It could be weight loss, organization, social relationships, health issues, addiction, and the list goes on.

When we struggle to change a habit or behavior that isn’t serving us well and we fail multiple times, we may feel desperate. When we feel desperate, we’ll do almost anything to overcome whatever hurdle is standing in our way of making it to our self-imposed finish line. If we can’t find a way to overcome it, it’s easy to become bitter.

What is bitterness? Bitterness is disappointment and resentment that occurs from the feeling of being treated unfairly. That make sense, right? We often do feel treated unfairly when we try really hard to do something and we just can’t seem to do it.

But, what if we thought about the challenge differently?

There is alternative to feeling bitter. Perhaps, it’s getting to the root of why we are having the challenge in the first place that’s more important. If we take a moment to ask ourselves, why we can’t stick to our diet, organize our paperwork, give that public speech, or overcome our illness, we may find the solution to the problem.

Not asking why we are having such a hard time is a little like trying to put a band-aid on broken bone. You may stop the blood from coming out, but the bone will not heal! So, stop and take a few deep breaths. Write your question down in a journal answer it. Becoming aware of your broken bone is the first step to healing it.

Then, some of you may think, “This issue is not in my control.” Perhaps, you’re sick with an illness that you can’t seem to shake or someone has done something to you and you are struggling with overcoming those feelings. Try to think of this situation as a lesson and a story. Ask yourself what you can take away from this situation and turn into something positive. Sometimes, there’s solace through suffering. Maybe you have a lesson to share with someone else or maybe your current situation has brought you where you need to be to help you realize something that will change your life for the better.

Before you accept the bitter taste of bitterness, I challenge you to regroup and find the sweetness that life has to offer.

Are You Ramping Up or Ramping Down?

In thinking about what the beginning of a new year means for each of us, I observed that we always seem to either be ramping up or ramping down from something in our lives. This is especially true for consultants and business owners who struggle with balance. Have YOU ever noticed this pattern in your life?

For example, we decide at the beginning of one year that we are feeling really ambitious and are getting ready to give our all to the new initiatives that have been stewing within us and we’ve been waiting to execute. That’s our “ramp up”. We are making the decision to bring our full focus and energy to some things in our lives. We are coming at those things with full steam and expect to see quick and impactful results from our hard work.

Then, there’s the “ramp down”. The “ramp down” year seems to happen when we have been working on something (or multiple things) with everything we’ve got over some period of time, and we are tired! We have worked ourselves to the point of exhaustion this year and need to plan some restful activities to rejuvenate us and refresh and minds and bodies. And then, there are times stuff just happens in life and we don’t have any control over it. We have to take the lesson for what it is and move on.

Such is life, right? We have ups and downs, ebs and flows with everything. It’s true. But, I think there’s two things we can take away from acknowledging and embracing this fact.

First, it may be helpful to think about where your life is this year and what you expect things to look like. If you know your goals will need all the energy you can muster this year, it’s your “ramp up” year! Embrace that and plan for it! Create a reasonable schedule. Be clear on your expectations for results. If you aren’t clear, you could find yourself doing a whole lot of “busy work” for nothing. Decide what you will give yourself as a reward for all that work!  Having a why is what keeps us going! The same is true for the “ramp down”. Be clear on how you’ll wind down from what you’ve been doing during your “ramp up”. Decide what you’d like to cut down on or eliminate from your life and what you’d like to keep. Make conscious choices on how you’ll use your time and space to bring yourself into a more rested state to get ready for the next thing you want to initiate in your life.

Second, do your best to develop balance and the ebs and flows we experience in life will have less of an impact on whether or not you achieve your goals! By continuously building downtime and energizing activities into our lives, we stoke the fire that keeps our ambitions alive. Sure, it’s easier said than done. But, if we are intentional about paying attention to this, we empower ourselves to thrive no matter what comes our way in life.

Whatever your goals / purpose are for this year, be intentional, have a plan, and enjoy all the rewards life will surely send your way!

*this information does not take the place of medical treatment

3 Ways We Know Santa is Alive and Well

Tis’ the season of giving!  Now is the time of year that we all give a little more of ourselves. While you are making your list and checking it twice, there are 3 things you can do now that will set you up for an awesome 2017 and keep the spirit of Santa alive in your life.

Here they are.

1.) Give to Others. It’s for you just as much as it’s for them! During this time of year, many of us give to charity. Some people set up their budgets and plans for giving in the new year around this time as well. It really doesn’t matter if you plan as you go or you plan in advance. But, I encourage you to think about causes that mean something special to you this year and decide how you want to contribute. Giving doesn’t always have to be about money. You could give time to a school, church, or person who needs help. Your kids could shovel snow or mow the lawn for someone disabled. I’m going to sign up for ‘give an hour” program for veterans. Donate to local causes, so you can get a good understanding of how the money is being used.

When you are proactive about giving, it pays you back in a multitude of ways. First, it simply feels good to serve others. When you consciously choose the organizations you donate to, you’ll get the opportunity to see the full impact of how you are helping others. Second, you have a chance to figure out what level of giving fits into your budget and/or into your schedule and you are more likely to follow through with it. Last but not least, you can look back at how you and your family incorporated service / donations into your lives and you can make decisions about what you’d like to do in the future. Plus, you can deduct charitable expenses! There’s no better feeling in the world than stepping up to give to others instead of living with the nagging feeling that you could have done something but didn’t. So, do it to free yourself and you will immediately be more happy! Ask yourself, “What would Santa do?”.

2.) Ask yourself what gift you’d love to give YOU this year. I mentioned this to you in my personal note, and I want to take a minute here to elaborate. This could be a big deal or it could be something small. If you’d love to give yourself a healthy body, give yourself the gift of time to exercise every day. Make that time sacred in your calendar and do not give it up to anyone.

If you’d like to give yourself the gift of a trip to Paris, give yourself small gifts all year that will help you reach that goal. Buy a map of Paris, start learning French, or start a savings plan and contribute whatever you can this year. Your gift to yourself could even be something as simple as signing up for a magazine subscription or getting a new book that you’ve been wanting to read for a long time.

Give yourself whatever your heart desires! Who ever said you should be deprived of what you want? You deserve to have something just for YOU! Just knowing you’re taking action to give yourself something you really want will make you happier and prevent you from doing things from a place of lack in your life. If you want something and take steps to give it to yourself, the universe will act like Santa Clause and immediately fulfill it for you! Just like that…really!

3.) Pick a theme word for your life. Everyone knows Santa Clause’s purpose. His mantra is “Ho, ho, ho!” and when you hear it, you know there’s a jolly man in a red suit running around delivering presents. What’s your mantra? The more clear you are about what you want your “theme” for this year to be, the easier it will be to think about your goals and measure your progress. Doing this one thing before the end of the year can be extremely liberating. I picked “virtual” knowing that I’d like to do a lot more online work this year and I immediately felt less stressed. I also started getting a ton of ideas on how I want to be more “virtual”. What’s your theme word for this year? Maybe sit down with a piece of paper and just start writing words until you find one that feels right to you. That may seem odd, but take 2 minutes and try it. You’ll be amazed at how well it works! A few ideas to get your started…kindness, abundance, love, partnership, health.

Happy Holidays and Ho, Ho, Ho to you and yours!

*this information does not take the place of medical treatment

Do Less Give More

Life is about serving others with our best gifts and talents and experiencing the simple joys that life offers. But do you ever feel resentful or depleted when giving to others?

If so, you may be creating your own unnecessary drama. If you feel resentful or are totally exhausted by all the giving you are doing, whether it’s personal or professional, you are a martyr. I read an article about this in the September edition of Oprah Magazine called, “Are you a drama mama?”, which gives a great example of this.

Martyr’s give too much to others and pretend it’s okay, but they are really overwhelmed and boiling over inside. Martyrs may even outwardly complain about the situation but then make excuses for why they “have to do” this or that. In most cases, it’s simply not true.

Some people are aware that they do this and some are so caught up in “the rut”, they don’t even realize how much has piled up on their plates. Consciously or unconsciously, martyrs think they have to punish themselves in this way to get love and acceptance. They think, “I have to DO for others, or I don’t deserve love”. This is what I like to call “stinking thinking”.

Most of you know what your limits are and need to respect your body and limitations. At the very least, you know when you feel exhausted or overworked over an extended period of time, and you know something has to change. If your health and wellbeing is being compromised because of how much you are doing for others, it’s time to stop being a drama mama or drama papa and set some boundaries!

I mean, let’s get real. If junior has to go to soccer practice, and you’re shoving him out the door without a proper meal and yelling at him all the way there because you have to “hurry up”, so you can get to the next thing after it’s over, do you think that’s giving him a quality life experience? Then, you might try to make up for your overwhelm or shortness in a situation by doing even more and then feeling totally exhausted. Sound familiar? If you don’t develop some balance and start saying no to what’s not vital in your life, you will find yourself emotionally and physically drained and sick and you will eventually be forced to slow down.

A few tips on how to change this.

  1. Plot out all your activities on your calendar, so you can see how much you are actually doing.
  2. Schedule extra time for every activity, so you have plenty of time and can slow down and be fully engaged.
  3. Schedule blocks of free time for yourself. You can use this time to read a book, get a massage, finish a personal project, or whatever is on your list that you consider important but it never seems to get done. Do not delete this time. You must honor these blocks of time like any other appointment.
  4. You will most likely find that something’s got to give. Good! Then, you’re doing this right. Now, ditch, delegate, or schedule items on your list you really don’t have time for. Saying “No” is okay! Not everyone will like this and that’s okay too. The people that really love you will understand and you will be much happier.

By not spreading yourself so thin, you’ll be able to be your best self and give quality instead of quantity to all that you do. Being fully present and connected in everything you do and slowing down to enjoy the people in your world is the best way to show gratitude and appreciation at this time of giving and all year round.

*this information does not take the place of medical treatment

3 Ways to Break Up with Summer and FALL in Love

treeloveDuring the fall season everything starts to change. The world as you know it starts to prepare itself to sleep. The leaves turn colors and fall from the trees, our season of fun and taking it easy comes to an end, the days get shorter, and the temperature outside drops and animals go into hibernation. Fall and winter are a time of “death” to prepare for outstanding “re-birth” in the spring.

What does this mean for you?

You are also part of nature, and it’s normal for you to experience physical, mental and emotional changes too. Like other animals, your body goes into “hibernation mode”. You may feel more tired and hungry than usual.  It’s also natural to feel a little sad or cranky. Some people want to nest. Nesting is when a person instinctually wants to clean out their physical spaces or other areas of life. Many people go through a very slight summer “mourning” process. It’s almost as if you are breaking up with summer. If this is not enough, fall is a naturally busier time as well, since the kids are back to school and we often get busier at work. So just as we reach a time of lower energy, we are expected to step it up, right?

Here’s the good news. Just because your body naturally goes through these changes, that doesn’t mean it has to be a bad thing. Help yourself fall in love with fall! You are aware of what is happening to you during the fall, so you have an opportunity to use your natural rhythms to accomplish great things! Here are a few great things you can do to embrace and enjoy this transitional time.

Clear out the Clutter. Clean out your closets and other areas of your home or office that are cluttered. If you didn’t get around to this over the summer because you were out enjoying your life, now is a great time to take action and clear things out before winter comes. Because it’s not as warm outside, it’s a great time to have a yard sale or tackle an outside project.

Release What’s Not Serving You. Maybe you need to clear out old relationships that are no longer serving you well. In Tyler Perry’s play, Medea goes to Jail, Medea (the main character) talks about seasonal people versus those people in our lives who are “roots”. She suggests that, when people make us unhappy, they are supposed to be “seasonal” and fall out of our lives like the leaves in the fall. This beautiful analogy can also be applied to work, stagnant goals, and many other parts of life. Set some quiet time aside to assess your life and create a plan to say goodbye to people, things or goals that aren’t working out in your life In article I read recently in O Magazine, Elizabeth Gilbert talks about how we need to reach “catharsis”. Catharsis is defined as, “the process of releasing, and thereby providing relief from, strong or repressed emotions.” According to Gilbert and her friend Jim MacLaren, you cannot reach full catharsis until you totally let go of what’s bugging you. You can’t stay half in and half out and feel total relief. So, let it go!

Have Fun and Find Ways to Keep Your Blues at Bay. There are tons of ways to have fun during the fall even when it’s cold and rainy. On nice days, go outside and rake the leaves, take a walk or ride a bike. Soak up the sun whenever you get the chance. Visit a pumpkin patch if one is close by or go to a local zoo. Let yourself take a nap and leave the window open, so you can enjoy the weather. Even a short 20-minute nap can make a huge difference in the way you feel. On the rainy days, enjoy a cup of your favorite tea, diffuse some essential oils, or do an art project and find your creative sweet spot.

Whatever your fall rhythm is, embrace it and live it up!

Your Biggest Regret – A Life Changing 3 Minute Video

I found this powerful video that highlights the biggest reason why you shouldn’t fear change. It’s a great complement to last week’s blog article about making change easy. If you read my article last week, you know what I’m talking about. If you didn’t, watch this video and click HERE to read last week’s post. It may just give you the push you need to make some needed changes in your life!

Click HERE or on the image below to watch the video.

yourbiggestregret

Quiz: Are You Too Cautious?

cautionHelen Keller, blind and deaf educator, said: “Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.”

Sometimes it’s wise to be cautious, particularly when physical safety is at stake. However, when we play it safe simply to protect our ego or heart, we may close off possibilities that could bring us greater joy and fulfillment. Life is what we make of it, shaped by our choices. What are you choosing?

Answer “True” or “False” to the following statements to discover if you are too cautious.

Set 1

  1. Life doesn’t feel safe. I’m content with things as they are and prefer to stay in my “comfort zone.”
  2. I’m afraid something bad will happen if I veer off my usual course. I feel safer and more confident when I stick to what I already know.
  3. I frequently worry “what if…?” If I can’t be certain of the outcome, I won’t take the risk. Being rejected, looking stupid and failing are not options.
  4. I know there are business and romantic opportunities I’ve missed out on because of being so risk-averse.
  5. My fear of the unknown is paralyzing. When I look at my life, I have many regrets about things I didn’t do.
  6. I feel bad about myself for being so cautious. I think of myself as a coward and I expect that others see me that way, too.

Set 2

  1. I am committed to growing myself bigger than my fears. It’s not that I’m unafraid; it’s just that I am more committed to my goals and know the cost of playing it safe.
  2. Developing courage is like building a muscle. The more I practice taking risks, even small ones, the more empowered I feel.
  3. ­­­­When I have a goal or dream that feels big and scary, I minimize feeling overwhelmed by “chunking it down” into more manageable, short-term steps.
  4. I enlist the support of those who can help me move beyond my comfort zone to a more fulfilling life.
  5. When I take risks, I trust I can handle whatever comes. If I fall, I know that I can get up again. I don’t conclude that I shouldn’t have tried or that I’m a failure.
  6. My biggest successes have come when I’ve taken a big leap of faith.

If you answered True more often in Set 1 and False more often in Set 2, you may wish to learn some effective ways to move beyond your comfort zone to live a more fulfilled life.

Please get in touch with me at DrB@earthlink.net if you’d like support in exploring this further.

How To Motivate Yourself

motivation-1Having to do something you don’t want to do isn’t hard to imagine. We run into it almost every day.

It usually involves change, time, attitude and choice, but not necessarily in that order. There are some things we are faced with that bring out the two-year-old in us as we tantrum and say “no” both verbally and behaviorally. The doctor says we can’t eat sweets, so we buy a big bag of Snickers. The workplace says we can’t smoke, so we hatch all sorts of devious plans to do it anyway. We need to lose weight, so we skip anything that looks healthy or involves movement. It’s all a big fat NO!

None of this changes the fact we need to do something different, new, better, life-saving and helpful for ourselves.

So, as an exercise, choose something you need to do. Now, let’s ease into how to do it. There’s no need to go whole hog and overwhelm yourself with dramatic and over-ambitious ideas right off the bat. It works best to look at other times you’ve made a successful change. Recall how you did it and remember the reward that came with your effort. Once you remember something you’ve done, you know that you truly can make wise decisions and you can continue to make them. Chances are, if something has come to mind, you did something to make it happen. The good news is that you can do it again, even better, quicker, easier.

I recommend writing your answers to these few questions:

  1. Did you plan for success or did it “just happen?”
  2. What inspires you to make change? Or Who?
  3. How can you keep your focus on achieving or doing something to bring about change?
  4. What’s a reasonable time for this to happen? For example, don’t plan to write a book in a weekend, no matter what those programs advertise.
  5. If you had to defer one part of your plan this week, how would you make sure you pick back up and stay on course next week?
  6. Do you prefer working days at a time? An hour at a time? What time of day is better for you to devote to achieving your goal?
  7. If you were to evaluate yourself, can you see any patterns you choose that either determine your success or determine your failure?

Your goals are unique to you and the way you choose to succeed at succeeding or succeed at failing are unique to you. These questions will help you look deeply into your patterns of behavior and pick the parts that are more likely to work for your success. You can determine what different choices you can apply this time, based on what you know about yourself, to enjoy the process and achieve a good outcome.

Tips:

  1. Create a plan for yourself. Write a daily plan that includes action steps. At the end of the week, you can see all the positive steps you’ve taken. If they are small steps, they are still positive. Don’t discount them. Look at your week. Were there days you reverted or wanted to revert back to “the way I’ve always done it?”
  2. If there were times you felt yourself slipping back into old habits or resisting change, make a list of things you can do if this happens again.

For example, if your goal is to smoke one less cigarette a day and you didn’t achieve that goal, what could you do if that feeling comes up again (which it will!). Some people find counting or watching the clock for one minute, telling themselves, “I can enjoy not smoking for one more minute.”

You can always call for personal coaching around any transition or change goals.

5 Ingredients For Your Wellbeing In 2015

resolutionsA new year brings with it new possibilities. It’s a chance to start over (again). We set goals, make resolutions to end harmful behaviors and learn healthy ones.

Consider adding these 5 ingredients for your wellbeing in 2015:

  1. What gives your life meaning? Are you involved with something or someone you love that goes beyond yourself? Is it your work, a social cause or an idea that lives in your mind that needs to be put into action? What will live after you? A cause, a charity, a pet — what makes you happy? Do you need to cultivate more of this in 2015?
  2. Trust in yourself. Think about all the transitions and problems you’ve solved in your lifetime. Take note of how creative you were. Trust that you can set a goal to change and do it — your way. If you want to quit smoking, lose weight, save money, write that book, you can. You can do what you want to do. Trust those “crazy” ideas that pop into your head. Some of them could be creative genius!
  3. Use every experience to succeed. As long as you don’t quit, you have not failed. Not many of us set our sights on a goal and go straight toward it without a bump or obstacle to overcome. That’s just part of it. Start again. Don’t quit.
  4. You say you’ve already met your goals? You have a happy family, a good job, financial security, health and happiness? Your goal will be to not jeopardize your good fortune. Make family a priority, live a healthy lifestyle and radiate happiness and peace. Be a good role model for the rest of us.
  5. Be open to new experiences. Look in the bookstores and you will see a large section of books devoted to Personal Growth or Personal Development. Learn to love learning and growing. Have ambitions, make independent choices, claim your dream, make friends and have the courage to face the unknown, believing you will learn more about yourself.

If you need help with setting up your goals for 2015, feel free to reach out to me at DrB@earthlink.net.

“Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself.”
~ Eleanor Roosevelt

Up in Smoke: A Message of Hope and Change

smokeWe’re approaching the time of year of excess, guilt and swearing to change next year. Learn from our lessons, right? Well, we probably can guess that it seems we don’t always learn, but that doesn’t mean we don’t learn what we need to know or what we need to do. It’s the last part about change that stumps us. We want to change, we really do. All good intentions to eat right, save money, quit smoking and on and on. Add your favorites to the list.

Statistics show that around 30 percent of people who want to change something in order to meet their goal, succeed no matter what method they try. They were going to quit anyway, no matter what. The rest of us have the same goals, but fail. Why? I believe, and research backs this up, that when we take a behavior out of context and focus on decreasing or increasing a behavior only, it cannot be separated from the rest of our lives. The change is short lived. Nutrition, stress, work schedules, emotional upsets, painful grief, memories, triggers and more all interact with the behavior. If you’ve ever eaten when you’re stressed and not hungry, you can relate to what I am saying. In other words, you are not a machine that can have a part removed without having any reaction to that change in lifestyle.

For example smoking serves a range of psychological functions, such as a way to regulate emotions or pain. Smoking can be one way people cope with negative life events, trauma or heightened emotions. Smoking represents something about the way we live our lives. When clients who smoke come for therapy, their smoking habit provides a window into the underlying problems they are having and how they are coping with these problems.

Since people vary, smoking is symbolic for multiple issues, such as the need to fit in, fear of feeling, fear of speaking the truth and just needing to feel better. We all know the price people pay for this choice. Not only are smokers taking life away from themselves, they put others in jeopardy with second-hand smoke. If you want to create a visual reminder of this fact, make a container for yourself and as many people as you love/live with. Draw a coffin on each jar. Each time you smoke, put money in each jar for the funeral expenses.

That’s a bit strong, isn’t it? And, I’ve just said, changing the behavior is not the best way to really quit this habit. So, check out my new e-course: “Up In Smoke.” It’s a holistic approach to change. Real change.