Category Archives: Self Love

Change Your Mind with Meditation

1. Engage

The daffodils are blooming in my yard. I wil use them to describe a meditation you can use with any flowers you have.

Using floral meditation creates a positive state of mind.

Instructions:

Choose a single flower. Put it in a vase and place the vase where you can gaze at the flower during meditation. Focus on the flower. Notice the color, texture, petals, stems. Then, broaden your vision and take in the flower as a whole. When your mind wanders, bring your gaze back to the flower.

When you have memorized this flower, gently close your eyes and visualize the flower inside you near your heart center. The flower is a symbol of beauty which radiates inside you.

After several minutes, let the flower image fade and drop into your breath. You will have a clearer idea of good choices.

2. Reframe

In therapy, we learn to reframe an experience; to identify the best ideas or how we can make brave new choices. This meditation can help you go through a four-step mental checklist to change old patterns into wise behavior.

First, take a seat.

Step 1. Take a few deep breaths and then name your problem. Admit your part in the problem. For example, “ I ate the bag of candy,” or “I yelled at the kids.”

Step 2: Remind yourself that you are not a robot, and you make mistakes like every other person on this planet. If your inner critic is saying, “But they didn’t mess up like I did.’, please offer yourself a kind attitude.

Step 3. Feel grateful that you noticed the behavior and that you are aware it is unpleasant for you to remember. Be grateful that you want to make positive changes. Be grateful you are choosing to be more caring toward yourself and others.

Step 4: Turn your thoughts toward action you can take. For example, next time you are tempted to eat the bag of candy, eat an apple instead. The next time you feel like yelling at the kids, sing a song that puts you in a good mood. Positive affirmations will also help.

If you use just this reframe checklist on a regular basis, you may find that you develop more positive habits and you will be able to make better choices.

3. Breath meditation

Breathwork can be quite complicated or as simple as this technique. The next time you feel irritated take a two-minute time out.

Take your seat and take a few deep breaths to begin.

1. Inhale to a count of 6 and exhale to a count of 6. When your mind wanders, bring it back to the present moment.

2. Inhale to a count of 6, hold for a count of 3 and then exhale to a count of 6, hold for a count of 3. This has an uplifting and vitalizing effect on the mind.

3. Inhale to a count of 6, hold for a count of 3, then exhale to a count of 9, hold for a count of 3. This triggers the relaxation response in your body.

4. Inhale for a count of 6 and exhale to a count of 9. With every exhalation, gently firm your belly. This is a way to ground yourself.

If you’d like coaching on how to do this better or help with blockages in therapy, book your session with me:
https://patriciabrawleyphdlpc.fullslate.com/services/1

Two Sides to Every Story

Something that came up for me during this season of change is the concept of phenomenology. It is defined as the science of phenomena as distinct from that of the nature of being. It’s the study of an individual’s lived experience.

The picture on the right shows us a young woman. Or does it? Look closer, and it’s both a young woman and an old woman. What did your experience of this image show you first?

I was playing with this concept the other night when I was reviewing a short story that I’ve been working on for years off and on. More off then on.

The experts say we should be able to write one sentence that tells the reader what a story is about. I thought I would give that a whirl, since I already had a sentence I liked. But, in re-reading it, it didn’t tell anyone what the story was about at all.

I originally wrote,

“A photograph sets in motion a hunt for a killer. Two FBI agents, combining white trash smarts and Native American tracking skills, make capturing a killer look like a walk in the park, a trailer park, that is.”

I re-wrote it like this:

“When a young boy finds his murdered mother in a freezer, who could predict he would suffer in silence and direct his rage toward his absent father and the women he loved?”

At first glance, you would never even think this was the same story. This happens all the time in real life.

For example, a client tells a story he/she thinks is the problem. When we look at the bigger picture and ask what is this really about, an entirely different story emerges. It’s not really the husband’s drinking or the wife’s spending that’s the issue. It’s the betrayal and hurt felt as a child by each of them that has triggered their behaviors.

This is so important for us to consider as we are thinking about what motivates or suppresses us and how we feel about others. It affords a look through different eyes with grace and understanding.

JOURNAL EXERCISE:

Turn this around a bit for yourself. Sit and journal about it. Ask yourself, “What is the whole story behind my motivation to do THIS thing or what is holding me back?” Write the answer down, but keep asking this question over and over until you get to the very root of the story. Come back to it another day and ask yourself the same question again. Don’t be surprised if you change your mind the second time or find something new to add.

I’d love to read what you come up with. Feel free to email me or drop me a comment on Facebook or LinkedIn and let me know.

I’m a Sucker for Anthems

I’m not a big sports fan, and the only baseball or football games I loved were those my grandsons played in. The national anthem was played and I noticed It roused emotions, even tears. And, I don’t even like most of the words like “bombs bursting in air.” I find it creepy.

But, the last line hits a home run, “Oh,say, does that Star-Spangled Banner yet wave O’re the land of the free and the home of the brave?”.

I could claim it is patriotism that moves me, but I get emotional over “God Save the Queen” as well. Of course, the music is grand, but it’s not just that. It is a reminder of all the people before us who worked to secure independence for us. I rather like being free.

There must have been days when they wanted to stay home, throw in the towel and give up. But, it seems on more days than not, they took the next step rusting in themselves and letting their faith carry them forward.

If you are working from home upstairs in a spare bedroom or on a laptop on the kitchen table—you’re unaware how the work you do will benefit others and yourself. You do it anyway, walking in faith. If you are writing the greatest Novel ever or writing in your daily journal, do you hear the talk in your head that makes you feel anxious? Or wind up living with the Impostor syndrome?

The next time you find yourself doubting yourself whether it’s your business, your writing or something else entirely, I recommend you do this:

Find strength in a line in your own “anthem” that demonstrates to those who come after you that you had what it took to move forward in faith and trust. Walt Whitman wrote that everybody has a verse to sing in this world.

Do that and take the next step in your journey.

“Perhaps the truth depends on a walk around the lake.”

~ Wallace Stevens

The Trap of the Familiar

The trap of the familiar is our tendency to seek comfort in the known and familiar experiences we have had. It is human nature, so don’t berate yourself if you align yourself with others with whom you find familiarity and comfort.

This seemingly unconscious desire to align with what or who we already know, rather than that which feels uncertain and insecure, gives rise to an inability to see and experience the truth. We are locked into a narrower perspective and miss out on an array of possibilities in every area of life, including personal growth and expression of your creativity.

Opening ourselves up to feelings of discomfort is not easy at first, but it’s almost always worth it. We need to be ready and willing to enter into mental spaces where we are not necessarily at ease. We need to face our fear of letting go.

It would be too deterministic to believe there is some set of simple instructions or protocols that can lead us to a place of harmony. If you have a strategy or tactic or some kind of fix that you think will have a particular result, you’re coming from a place of knowing rather than not knowing. Coming from a place of not knowing is more likely to lead us to greater harmony and openness. So we begin with simply not knowing.

So, examine your ideas and beliefs and be ready to drop them. Everything we need is already in us or around us—we simply need to move past any fixed perspective.

Try this powerful exercise.

Just for the fun of it, take a sheet of paper and draw a box, divide into four quadrants. Write these questions in each of the quadrants.

Question 1: What do I hate doing?
Question 2: What is NOT my job?
Question3: What should I stop doing?
Question 4: What are my distractions?

Be honest. Next, analyze your list and identify the #1 action step you will make to get closer to your vision of your creative self. For that you will need to free up time. Once you have delegated, eliminated, or automated all the things that are killing your time and spirit, you’ll have freed up “hidden” hours each week and brought yourself closer to expressing yourself or trying the unfamiliar.

What do you want to have in your free box? Make a life list, a bucket list, vision board, etc. and write a couple in your free box with a date by when you’d like to do this. Put it on your calendar – just for fun – to get your brain wrapped around this and you will automatically start to come up with strategies. Like magic.

If you are still pretending you are “fine”, read this article about Smiling Depression. Smiling Depression is when we’re depressed but we smile and tell everyone we’re fine. See if this is you.
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/smiling-depression

10 Tips to Help You Get a Good Night’s Sleep

Getting 7 to 8 hours of sleep a night seems basic, right? We already know we should do it, but this is one of those things that is simple but not easy. I have 10 easy tips to help you prepare yourself for a restful night.

1. Make a plan to stop caffeine intake after a certain time. It’s different for everyone. Some people have no caffeine after 7 p.m. Others choose an earlier time. Try experiments to really know what works for you based on how caffeine affects you. Don’t give up.

2. At the end of your work day, review your calendar for the next day. Identify two tasks you will do tomorrow.

3. Take your shower or bath before bed instead of the next morning.

4. If you have children, plan or pack their snacks and make arrangements for rides, appointments.

5. Even if you are working for home, choose what you will wear tomorrow. It makes decisions easier.

6. Do what you tell the kids to do. Put away your electronic devices an hour before bedtime. No cheating.

7. Tidy up your kitchen or work space.

8. Spray or diffuse lavender scent in your bedroom. Lavender is associated with calm feelings in our brain. We use it to help babies fall asleep, too.

9. Read for a few minutes. If you don’t like to read, color or draw. It’s a nice time to write in your journal. Write down the things you are grateful for or enjoyed that day.

10. Dim your lights before turning them off.

Bonus Tips

1 Prepare your breakfast items, measure out the coffee before bedtime.

2. End phone calls at least thirty minutes before bedtime. They are often whining or complaining calls. Instead watch something funny or mindless before bed. Laughter is good medicine.

3. Review what went right that day. Let everything else go.

Can you use some coaching help?

For more personalized help with focusing on selfcare, please consider coaching or therapy. This is the perfect time to get started. Every journey starts with a first step.

2 Ways to Identify Your True Interests

When you find your interest, you will sit like a cat watching a mouse hole.

Life has changed for most of us. We spend a lot of time wanting to get back to “normal” which is the past and will always be our past. It seems to be human nature to think about the past when we experience change. When we are sick, we want to be well. When we are not working, we want to work. When we are not in school, we want to go to school, etc.

I get it. In fact, I have studied it and understand the way it works. Can you see how it distracts us from being present in the moment?

People say they can’t think straight. I’m not sure what they mean but I think they are saying they don’t have a goal or focus of attention. They don’t have an identified interest which could anchor their thoughts. It feels like popcorn thinking. Pop! I need to get online. Pop! My hair needs cutting. Pop! I haven’t checked my email. Pop! Do I have enough money? Pop! Pop! Pop!

Stop the pop!

Read these suggestions slowly and out loud.

1. Identify your interests. If you can’t think of any, keep reading.

Interests. Not a fancy word but a powerful word. Interests are things that bring you pleasure, motivate you to think and take action. Interests tend to fall by the wayside when we spend our lives working and vegging out in front of a TV or phone. We say we don’t have time. But, we do. Take the time you have and focus on your interests.
If you say you don’t have any interests, think back to childhood. What did you like to play? What was your favorite toy? What is the grown-up version? If you watch TV, is there a favorite show that sparks your interests in some way? Although, we don’t want to rely on someone or something to dictate our interests, even if you have a million channels to choose from, you’re not interested in all of them. We choose a few.

In the same way, you don’t have to have a million interests. A few will do as long as it is YOUR interest and not your child’s interest or your friend’s interest. Your mind tunes in and will show you your interests.

Try this: Take a walk with a friend and see what you/friend notice. It won’t be the same. One will notice colored rocks and the other birds. Our brains are different. Sure, we can switch our focus but are we interested in doing that? I can help my friend look for colored rocks, but I am not interested enough to make it my hobby.

But, a seed could be planted so that in a year or two, I start noticing colored rocks and collecting them. Things and interests change. Some interests never change. They last a lifetime. My father was interested in airplanes. I have his grade school textbook. He drew airplanes all through the book. As a young man, he took flying lessons and loved it but his mother, after losing her other son, was so scared he would crash and die that he gave it up. He would go to airports and watch the planes land and take off. He watched war movies featuring planes. His interest in airplanes lasted all his life.

2. Imagine a teen-ager playing video games. Their focus is intense, like a cat looking at a mouse hole. You have this in you, too. Spend some time every day sitting like a cat looking at a mouse hole. That means focusing on your interest, expecting an outcome, not leaving or abandoning your interest.

Exercise:

Use this writing prompt to explore your interests.
I used to be interested in…..
Now, I am interested in…

Can you use some coaching help?

For more personalized help with focusing on selfcare, please consider coaching or therapy. This is the perfect time to get started. Every journey starts with a first step.

Tips to Let Your Light Shine in 2020

1. Guard your creative time like a Mama Bear guarding her cubs. She knows what is important and so do you.

You don’t’ have to choose just one thing to let shine in your life. It could be writing, organizing your office, work life, house, etc.

The point is to give yourself time to pursue something important to you. You would make time to go to the hair dresser and get your nails done, right? How do you make that happen? You put it on your calendar and you look forward to your appointment. Do the same thing with creative time. Put it on your calendar and to do list. You may have to retrain yourself to let your time be your time because intrusive thoughts will want your attention. All of a sudden you “remember” you need to pick up milk. No, picking up milk is for another time on your calendar.

2. Allow your dreams to come to mind. Don’t shut them down. What are your big dreams? Your little dreams? Here are categories to help you get started with thinking about ways to care for yourself that will help you be your best self and shine. Add in other categories or subcategories that make sense for you. You could include vacations, milestones, etc. Then move to step 3 below.

Relationships
Health
Work
Creativity
Spiritual Life
Community Life

3.) View this list as a lump of clay that you can form into a perfect sculpture of your life. Take some out, add some in until you get the picture of what is important to you in 2020. List 10 things in each category that you think you would like to do, be, see, or achieve in 2020. You can list more than 10! Then, answer the following questions. ??

If you could achieve one goal in your personal life, what would it be?
If you could only do one thing on your list, what would it be?
Now, here is the hard part (well, maybe it won’t seem hard): What will you let go of in 2020?

Last year, I created a “Protect Your Energy Planner” just for you! This year, I’m sharing it again for you to use in 2020. You can read about it and download it HERE. It would make a great complement to this exercise! My gift to you.

How to Make Time for What’s Important to You

Whether you are the boss, the parent, the person starting a new business or relationship, it’s never too late to plan how you want things to work out. We lead busy lives. There’s always more to do, so it is easy to get bogged down in day-to-day living and forget to learn, create and plan a vision for your business and life. And yet, others such as your employees, co-workers, family members depend on your ability to set the plan and lead the way.

It is reported that Bill Gates takes a week off every three months for thinking. He goes to a retreat alone to review and renew. Benjamin Franklin wrote that he liked his trips across the Atlantic because he gained perspective. C. S. Lewis would often take long walks in order to have time to think. Many people say that the one hour a day is their most productive hour of the day – when they are thinking, planning, dreaming. It’s no coincidence that these people were innovators and had a life by design.

A life by design is one your choose rather than going with the flow and doing what’s chosen for you.

You can set aside an hour a day, go on a retreat, get a perspective while on vacation or a weekend at home. Divide your planning and visioning time into two components: your business life and your personal growth. Both are essential.

Design the growth you want to see. Choose the way and develop a strategy for your future. Don’t overlook your personal development plan. A plan is important if you want to be equipped to be the person you will need to be in your future life.

Here are 3 places where you can choose to make a little time to work on your goals.

1.) In the morning. Wake up earlier or replace something in your morning routine for a while. Give yourself an extra 20 or 30 minutes or whatever you can spare to work on something a little every day.

2.) On your commute. When you are on public transportation or someone else is driving, utilize that time. If you find background noise distracting, bring headphones and play relaxing music.

3.) At night. Go to bed 20 minutes later or replace something in your night time routine.

If you need work on your time management, you may want to check out this book, Time Warrior by Steve Chandler.

If you would like help figuring out ways to help create a life by design, click here to take advantage of my free 30 minute phone consultation.

Break Your Goals Into Steps

Once you’ve set your mind on a goal and cleared away distractions, you’re ready to get started working. But first, you need to do some planning. When you plan in advance and use that plan, you’re more likely to succeed with your goals.

You can make a list of things to do to reach your goal. But it’s usually easier to start by evaluating what you need to make your goal a reality.

Here are a few things you may need to get going.

Tools or Supplies

What tools or supplies will you need in order to meet your goal? If you’re starting a blog, you’ll need a website and hosting. If you’re aiming to lose weight, you’ll need a food scale and measuring cups. If you’re starting a jewelry business, then you’ll need modeling clay to make charms and necklace thread.

You also need to consider supplies you may have forgotten about. If you’re starting a business, you may need child care. If you’re changing your diet, you may need new recipe books to help you prepare healthier meals.

Specialized Help

Sometimes, you can’t achieve your goals by yourself. That’s where specialized help comes in. Specialized help can take many forms. It might be hiring a personal trainer so you can get the toned body you want. It might be hiring a business coach to help you book enough clients to pay your bills.

Specialized help can sometimes be expensive. But if your goal is important to you, don’t be afraid to invest in it. Some coaches and trainers may be willing to work with you to develop a payment plan so be sure to ask if this is an option.

Support from Friends and Family

You can’t succeed in a bubble. In order to reach your goals, you’ll need the support of your family and friends. If your family and friends can’t be supportive, you should look for the support elsewhere.

Joining a support group or finding an online community can be helpful in these situations. Look for groups and communities that leave you feeling upbeat and are filled with people that want to achieve similar goals.

Return the Support

It’s easy to get so wrapped up in your new goal that you forget to invest in others. If you’re part of a group or community, make sure that you offer help to other members. Be willing to take time from your day to support someone else.

Now that you do know what you need in order to succeed, it’s time to go after your goal. It’s scary to take that first step, but you have to be willing to do it. Once you’ve taken that first step, you’ll experience a rush of confidence and increased motivation.

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE GOAL SETTING WORKBOOK

If you would like to work on breaking your negative thinking pattern, click here to take advantage of my free 30 minute phone consultation.

Decreasing the Landmines of Negativity

Why is it we remember, replay, and make up new stories about events in our lives when we felt terrible? Ask someone to tell you about a time they got their feelings hurt and they will readily come up with an event. Ask someone when the last time they felt free, successful, happy and they hesitate and qualify that moment with “Why? It was no big deal.” But, anger, shame, and feeling demeaned…now that was a big Deal. It’s like stepping on a land mine. You never forget it and could be permanently scarred by it.

There is nothing wrong with us. It’s not because we’re holding on to the past (well, maybe we are). It’s because we feel negative emotions more intensely than positive emotions. Evolution gives us the skills to look for danger and the sense to avoid them (we still have free will). Our ancestors learned which berries to eat and which ones would make them sick. One experience of eating the wrong berries gives us a lesson we don’t forget. However, some of our ancestors learned how to scare their children about eating all berries or else they would die or face shameful punishment.

If you eat poisonous berries once, you can recover. But if we step on a land mine of negative situations every day… abusive language for example, we are not easily able to recover from them. And, it sets up a negative thinking pattern that makes us think, “Every day is awful. Those people are scary.” and permeates the day every day. You need a break. You need a change.