Category Archives: Self Love

The Taboo at the Holiday Table – Grief, Love, and the Holidays

Grief Concept Clipped Cards And LightsDifficulty is all around us. For some, it’s concentrated to one area of life — like a challenging task or difficult relationship — and for others, it seems to pervade every area of life — like when we are depressed or have sickness in the family.

And sometimes even just starting any day can be a challenge.

Holidays present challenges. It may be the first year without a loved one. It may be that you are anticipating someone else’s or your own death. This is called anticipatory grief.

There are other challenges for millions of people at holiday times that are bound to secrecy and anger or shame. Warning! I’m going deep here for a minute.  Imagine sitting at the dinner table with a family member who molested you as a child. Imagine being the person who is the black sheep of the family who cannot forget the humiliation from numerous mistreatments.  Their feelings are valid, and there is nothing taboo about feeling.

Of course, despite this, holidays are tinged with happiness and a sense of magic. It is true that we can have a mixture of feelings.  There’s no right way. You may find comfort in being with lots of family. You may want to skip the holiday this year and do something different or nothing at all.

You may wonder who you are without your loved one. Our identity seems blurred. But, just like the story in “It’s a Wonderful Life” you have a place in the world. You matter. You touch people. You don’t have to feel happy but we all know nothing stays the same.

Here are 4 tips for finding your way back to happiness:

1.) If you have a loved one who has passed on, create a loving memory list about your loved one (person or animal). I suggest doing this alone when you will not be disturbed but I can imagine a family doing this together too. Think of the person you have lost and pay attention to your feelings. When you are ready, begin writing memories of that person. Jot your words down quickly; sketches of memories. When you have a list, go back and add in as much detail as you can. For example, “we were sitting on the porch during a rain storm in June…”. At the end of the list, write “Thank you.”

2.) Remember you are not a machine or a robot. You are human and we can have powerful emotions, sometimes even overwhelming. Discovering a movie, song, story, poem or piece of art that exudes a sense of empathy that lets you know others have felt as you do makes us feel less alone. Play music and sing or hum along.

            “One thing you can’t hide—is when you’re crippled inside.” —John Lennon

3.) If routine and tradition bring you comfort, don’t reinvent the wheel. If you want to “take a break” from tradition this year, do it. If you want to do something completely different this year, have fun. Use this quote as a mantra: “It always seems impossible until it is done.” ~Nelson Mandela

4.) Talk to someone who will let you vent and not tell you what to do or what they would do.

Free Yourself From Chronic Fear

Sleigh FearDo you have a story or vision of yourself / your life that you’ve never lived out but you’ve always wanted to?

What holds you back?  Could it be one of the four reasons listed below?

1. Is your fear relevant? Does it make sense? Maybe you can tone it down. Shakespeare said, “Brevity is the soul of wit.”

2.  Leave yourself some room to come to your own conclusions about your life. Maybe you’ve been afraid to write that book, but now you realize that ‘s not what you really want to do but you’ve been afraid to admit it to yourself. We can change our minds.

3. Besides you, does anyone care about your fears? I can tell you, the answer is yes. I say that because people relate to the stories we tell. This is true even about scary stuff. Sharing your story/vision about your feelings on ____ (fill in the blank) in a story, poem, or conversation is a quick way to change the feeling because there will be someone who understands.

4. Is your soul shining through your fears? If you have a fear of doing something that you feel you need to do, want to do, and have a passion for and you want it really badly, but it’s stopped by fear of “what if”, that’s tragic.

There are two voices competing for your mind. One is the internal critic voice and the other is your champion voice. The critic is demanding and impedes your progress and weakens your resolve. If the internal critic is stronger, you will feel overwhelmed, fearful, and hopeless.

The good news: you can take away the critic’s power.

Here are some tips:

1. Keep other’s opinions of your dreams/work in the category of “not personal.” People have different tastes. So what?!

2. Remember, fear of success can bring up other fears, such fear of resentments from others. That’s not for you to plan your life around.

3. If you receive feedback see it as just that – feedback. It may be constructive, encouraging, or spark your internal critic.

4. Develop a process to deal with fears.

  • Do it in chunks. If you want to write, do it in 10-minute chunks. Start exercising? 10 minute chunk of time. Looking to move? Search real estate 10 minutes a day.
  • If your mind goes blank, just write or type XXX and keep going.
  • Write a note to yourself each evening about what you want to start with tomorrow. Your brain will create solutions during the night.

Protect Your Energy with Boundaries Planner – Free Download

Custom Planner ImageNow is the season we start to plan more. There is Thanksgiving and Halloween, Christmas and a New Year to plan for. And then, there is your life stretched thin doing all that planning.

I am giving, yes giving, away a Planner that will help you put things in order. It’s actually called How to Protect Your Energy with Boundaries, so it is good for your overall health.

It’s actually called How to Protect Your Energy with Boundaries so it is good for your overall health.

In it are ways to create your Vision Board, brainstorm your life goals and put them into your life.

The planner uses the word “business” which helps you see your business goals. Feel free to substitute the words “my life” or your own word. It really is applicable to you no matter your definition.

Ironically, as I was writing to you about planning, a hurricane was brewing in the Gulf of Mexico. My night classes were cancelled and we made a grocery store run to plan for the unexpected. I thought, “How interesting! Life can feel like a hurricane, but if we plan our life, that can help us stay focused and out of the crazy of the storm.”

I should write “plan for hurricains” into my planner! :) Thankfully, we are safe and all is well now. Back to the plan. :)

Please download your free planner here. If you like it, pass it on to your friends and loved ones.

I used to but…

I used to but...I used to but…

I hear that a lot. People tell me they used to exercise, write, enjoy life, have a healthy weight, etc.  Not only did they “used to” do those things, they loved them. Why did they quit?

The answer could number in the hundreds. Everyone has particular needs that change. What was important when you were twenty is often not the thing that motivates you to action when you are fifty.

Think about your list of “used to’s” and decide which ones you would like to continue or resume. You may need to get in practice again, sharpen your skills through study or actions. You’re smart. You know, when you plant a garden, you do not abandon it the day after you plant the seeds. Stay with it. Continue to practice even when – especially when—you don’t feel like it.

You may recall other times when you took time off or decided that you would do it tomorrow. It was harder to get back on track when you put it off. You get rusty very quick. And once you make excuses, it’s easier to make them the next time.

I recall learning from my meditation teacher, Jon Kabat-Zinn: “You don’t have to like it, you just have to do it.”

Here’s what I’m going to do.

            1. I will write three times a week. My goal is to create e-courses on a regular basis. Once I do that, I will decide if I want to write an e-book. I have short stories I want to finish and, of course, poems will write themselves if I pay attention.

            2. I will say no more often. Not to do more but to be more. Just be.
Now, your turn.

i-used-to-exercise-but-im-fine-now_25291In the book, The War of Art by Steven Pressfield, he talks about showing up to do the work. He reminds us that it’s not always a pretty journey but when you simply show up consistently, you will reach your goal.

Agree?

What will you reclaim or create in your life? Feel free to email me your thoughts or just say hello at rB@earthlink.net.

How Getting Seasonal Depression is as Common as Catching the Flu

cs-depression-roundtable-what-depression-feels-like-400Imagine this scenario…

After yoga class with friends, you notice Annabelle is acting unlike herself. You can’t put your finger on what it is that you notice, so you keep it to yourself. The next day at work, you notice that Annabelle is not walking the way she usually does, she seems frustrated and sighs when the phone rings. You ask her if she is okay and she tells you she is fine, just tired.  This continues until a week later you ask her again and this time she tells you she has a pulled muscle in her back and a sprained wrist. You had no idea. Annabelle tells you she is embarrassed and didn’t want the boss to know because she hasn’t been finishing her work. You don’t want your friend to suffer, so you take it upon yourself to make an appointment and offer to drive her to see the doctor.

Now, what if were to replace “pulled muscle” and “sprained wrist” with “depression”? Are you as likely to take the same action for your friend?

Did you know that depression is the leading cause of disability worldwide? Only about half of those diagnosed receive treatment – in many countries this is fewer than 10%. Although getting help from health care professionals is always a recommended approach, many people lack the resources, time and access to such care.  Depression makes it even harder to follow through with plans. Some even turn to detrimental forms of self-medication, such as drinking alcohol.

How do you know when someone has depression? The National Institute of Mental Health defines depression as a “mood disorder that causes severe symptoms affecting how you feel, think, and handle daily activities”. The combination of environmental factors, personality, genetics and biochemistry can lead to its onset. It’s been compared to catching a cold. It can affect anyone at any time.

Although not all of these factors can be easily changed, there are things we can do to reduce our susceptibility. The habit of washing your hands comes naturally and we do it for the sake of our health. Is there anything you can do similarly to help reduce the symptoms of depression? It turns out there is.

The amygdale is a part of the brain closely associated with depression. The amygdale modulates the fear response. In depressed people, the amygdale tends to be larger and overly active in response to negative stimuli, such as seeing something upsetting, or feeling sad. These feelings become more intense than usual. The brain has a “cold” and is now sneezing, metaphorically. Additionally, things that are usually fun and make you happy just don’t rise to the level of  “happy” anymore.

When researchers studied the overactive amygdale they found that meditation may counteract depression by reducing amygdale activity and by increasing activity in the hippocampus, prefrontal cortex and other brain regions associated with attention and emotional self-regulation.

 

Have you heard of Seasonal Affective Depression? Most people haven’t.

Kwan Yin Sabbatical 2When the Fall season arrives, it comes with warm, comforting recipes and new visual landscapes to admire. It can also bring Seasonal Affective Depression that creeps in like the cloudy skies.

Seasonal Affective Depression is thought to be caused by lack of bright sunlight. If you find yourself feeling blue and gloomy on days that are grey, it’s worth looking into. Most people who have it, may not even be aware that’s the cause of how they are feeling. On the other hand, rain and gloom cheers some people up. They find they have lots of energy on those days.

I also encourage you to practice meditation as a way to feel better. Meditation can be done anywhere, such as a walking meditation.

Sometimes a new environment or a porch swing can have a similar effect. Here are some pictures from my “sabbatical” in Ocean Springs, MS earlier this month with my beloved little cat, Kwan Yin. She was my sabbatical companion while I was there.

Class Is In – 10 Steps to Prepare for Daily Meditation

How to Meditate in 10 Easy StepsWe now know with overwhelming evidence that using meditation can help individuals achieve astonishing results in their physical and mental health. 

This space is too short to offer you a whole course in meditation, but I do want you to know about what meditation is and what it is not.

Recently, I asked my intern students if they were teaching their clients to meditate. I was surprised to hear one student say, “isn’t it just deep breathing?” or “relaxing with your eyes closed?” The simple answer is No.  Deep breathing is deep breathing and is useful to help when we feel anxious. Relaxing is relaxing. Also good for us, but it is not meditation.

What is meditation? It’s the act of clearing your mind of clutter and becoming grounded and focused. It is a mental and physical reset button.

It starts with posture.  You want to stay relaxed and alert and focus on the present moment. You let your breath do its own thing. You notice. Your breath may change or not. You just notice. Don’t judge.

A good attitude helps but as my teacher, Jon Kabat Zinn said, “you don’t have to like it to do it.” Chances are when you start you’ll feel awkward or uncomfortable. That’s okay.  Finding the ideal meditation posture and seating can take a while. There’s no one-size-fits all seat for meditation. You may think of seeing people seated cross-legged on cushions on the floor, but you can also meditate seated in a chair, or walking, or eating mindfully.

Your mind will chatter. It’s called monkey mind because it’s like a monkey jumping from tree to tree. Just notice, don’t judge, let it be. Try not to dwell on any thought. Let them come and go like clouds in a sky. Come back to your breathing over and over.

Here are 10 steps to prepare for daily meditation.

1.) Take a seat.

2.) Let your eyes gaze slightly downward, 4 to 6 feet in front of you or close your eyes. Try it both ways to see which you like best.

3.) Tuck your chin in slightly to keep your spine aligned.

4.) Sit upright and straight but not unnaturally stiff. Arching or slouching produces tension. To align your spine, bend forward then slowly straighten up. Try to feel each vertebra stack up as you go.

5.) Center your sitting bones. Don’t lean forward or backward. Allow yourself to “settle in.” Take your time to get comfortable. Rock back and forth and side to side until you feel the sitting bones loosen up. The rest of your posture will more easily fall into place now.

6.) Keep your arms parallel to your body, palms on your thighs. Some people like to place their hands together or one palm holding the other palm.

7.) Sit with your knees below your hips, legs loosely crossed. That’s why you see people sitting on cushions or meditation benches. You will want to experiment to find the right height.

8.) Come prepared with a shawl, socks, glass or water, and timer.

9.) It’s okay to take a break during your meditation session. Try bringing your knees to your chest, curving your spine forward to stretch out.

10.) If sitting is uncomfortable, take your seat in a chair. It’s easier on your knees and convenient. Resist the urge to slouch back in the chair unless you really need to. Sitting straight helps your breathing. Keep your feet flat on the floor. You may have to use a stool or something under your feet if the chair is too high off the floor.

Homework:

Practice with no expectations but notice the results.

Tap into Your Superpower and Shine Your Own Light (Inspired by Bruce Lee)

Champions_superhero_r1_LR-450x646At some time or another, we have all admired or looked up to someone. We may have thought, “Wow, what they are doing is great. I want to do or be that.” It’s good to have role models and mentors. And sometimes we like what someone else is doing so much, we do everything to support their goals and life’s work.

BUT are you paying enough attention to your heart’s desire? We often neglect or avoid looking inside ourselves to see what we really want because it’s easy to help someone else who already has it figured out.

The danger in doing this is that you miss the boat in achieving your true happiness, which is focusing on achieving the thing that lights you up inside. And, by doing that, you ultimately become your best self and offer the most help to the world.

I recently watched an excellent TEDx video on just this very thing, which highlights Bruce Lee’s message for us outlined by his daughter. You can watch the video HERE.

Here are the 3 principles his daughter shares based on the thoughts he left with the world.

  • Don’t think. Feel! – Get in touch with your heart. Meditate for a bit on what lights you up inside. Think about what got you excited as a child. What makes you happy? What do you love? What games did you play?
  • Align your actions with your thoughts and your heart (desires). Make a list of what you want to have achieved at the end of your life. Have goals but not just goals, dreams. Investigate this first. This is not always easy. There’s no one to say whether you are right or wrong. But where you put your personal effort aligned with your heart that the next step is.
  • Achieve harmony in the form of peace of mind. The goal of doing this is to reach peace of mind. There is no peace of mind if you are in judgment of others. Don’t worry about competition or adversity. Don’t duplicate anyone else. As the saying goes you need to be yourself because everyone else is taken. To operate and make a positive impact, focus on the greater good and how you can contribute to that in your own unique way. Decide what you want to offer to the world and act from the root of your being.

What’s in Your Sandbox?

sandcastleWe adult often take life so seriously that we block our own growth with a lack of creativity. We schedule and discipline ourselves into our routines so much that we lose our sense of truly living in the process. We’ve become so busy in our everyday lives that having hobbies today is almost a rare situation for people.

But why should we care about hobbies? Why is having play in our lives important?

Playing relieves stress. This is a scientific fact, and it’s not hard for us to experience the results of how we feel when we live in play. Don’t you feel good after doing or seeing something that makes you laugh? What is it like after a nice bike ride, swim, walk or game of tennis? Doing what you love helps you to create your “happy place”.

You’ll have better relationships with others. Trying new things gives you the opportunity to meet new people or form deeper bonds with the people in your life that you want to spend time with. You may learn that someone is good at something you never knew about or that you are.

Stimulate your mind to think in new and exciting ways. Having fun, trying new things, and being in a different setting are ways to stimulate your mind. Because we are focusing on something different or new, our brain has no choice to be present and focused to absorb it…being present…how about that for a change?

The options for what you can do are limitless. Painting, coloring, sewing, joining a book club, biking, bowling are just a few. And, you don’t have to make a huge commitment to something. Once a week or a few minutes a day of embracing something you love to do is enough.

The best part of this is you aren’t obligated to stick with anything. Just get in the sandbox of life and try different things!

Be the Star in Your Own Show

YOUActors develop this skill to new heights. Sounds like fun? Most actors call it work. They have to study a character’s way of talking, walking, style, accent, expressions, emotions — well, everything about that imagined person. Then, they present a performance that seems real and memorable to us. He/she enacts a character’s body not so much to imitate but to feels as though their own body is living differently in a special world (stage or movie). If they flub up, the director will say they are “out of character.”

All this work/fun takes a toll on an actor’s sense of self and identity. We don’t think much about it, but losing one’s self in a stage character can be jarring. The actor has to suddenly come back to the real world, and it can take some time to adjust to who they really are. A role can even permanently change the actor by forcing him/her to think differently than they did before it.

We are all actors. We all play a role in life. We learned the part in our families growing up.

But it may be time to learn a new part and be the star in a different show.

In therapy, we urge our clients to become their “authentic selves” rather than their “conditioned selves”. In other words, we want you to develop and express your true nature, likes/dislikes, personality, and real preferences. We want you to do what you really wanted before you were told who to be like, what to do, what to think, how to act.

Often this feeling of not being true to oneself is what brings a person to therapy. They may feel conflicted or depressed. If they become who they really are, they believe it will disappoint family and peers. Perhaps they are right. An actor describes how each step of putting on stage makeup creates his character. He said, he “would look in the mirror and wait until he came and was looking back at me.”

Compare that to times you know you are not being genuine.  Maybe you have a job that requires you to act a certain way. That’s not necessarily a bad thing but you do feel the difference when you come home and drop that role by the door, don’t you? . Any time you look in the mirror and feel like you are seeing someone else’s life instead of yours, you are not being your authentic self. You know what I’m talking about, right?

Some people rebel and become the complete opposite just to assert themselves.  Others continue to live the lives imposed by parents and peers but with an uneasy feeling that this is not their true self. They have taken on a role that is lived out in the stage of their environment. This takes a toll.

To learn more about your authentic self, visualize yourself at a movie theater. The music plays, a curtain comes up on the screen, and there you are: a star. Only this time, the actress is made up to look like you.  She has studied the genuine and authentic you. She knows how you would sound. How you would walk, what you would enjoy talking about, what your imagined life would look like and it’s all there for you to see.  If she gets it right, how do you feel? If she “flubs up” how is she out of character?

On the stage of life, you are the director, the actor and, at times, the audience. Make it a great show!