Category Archives: Uncategorized

There’s Always Something to Be Grateful For

Beach Collage (1)Funny how things change my attitude and perspective. I intended to write about the benefits of fall weather, how beautiful the changes, the welcoming of coolness, etc. when one MORE hurricane was predicted to come our way. When I looked at the news the little swirling circle showing the path of the hurricane was right over my house.  I know.  I know. Some of you saw it as a time to have a Hurricane Party but that’s not my style.

Maybe I should lighten up but once you are traumatized it is difficult to forget what weather can do. One of my students lost her house in the last hurricane. Another is still sandbagging when I talked to her yesterday. A friend’s sister barely escaped a fire with a handful of clothes. Five neighbors perished. I/we have a lot to be grateful for.

But today, I decided to shift focus from scarcity to gratefulness. Like Oprah, I made a gratitude list in my journal this morning. I have enough: air to breathe, life to live, food, shelter, water, love, and friends. I am blessed. I hope you will do the same and feel how good gratefulness feels. There’s always something we can do to feel better if it’s nothing more than chewing gum. Sing a song. Remember I wrote a series all around “This little Light of Mine” earlier this year? Now is a good time to sing it again.

For a visual of how to change perspective, check out Nicole’s pictures on the right! For those of you who may not know her, Nicole is my virtual assistant. These photos are of a beach she visited in Michigan at the end of August. One would no picture this loveliness when you think of Michigan, but there it was. People who saw these pictures thought it was a tropical island.

Other than sharing the loveliness of these photos, the point is that you never know what you’ll find if you look locally. There are tons of wonderful places to visit right in your own backyard. If you’ve been cooped up due to Covid and are feeling restless, do a quick Google search on things around you that you are interested in. You may be able to find something very interesting without going to far at all.

And be grateful for the small blessings in your life because we aren’t promised another day with our loved ones, another chance to do something, or another opportunity to seize the day.

A Short Guide to a Happy Life By Anna Quindlen

41r69dYzFFLI’m sharing this great summary of James Clear’s book “A Short Guide to a Happy Life”  because I think she does a great job of summing it up. This is one of my favorite books.

The Book in Three Sentences:

The only thing you have that nobody else has is control of your life. The hardest thing of all is to learn to love the journey, not the destination. Get a real life rather than frantically chasing the next level of success.

Key Ideas:
This is a list of key ideas that I recorded while reading the book. These notes are informal and include quotes from the book as well as my own thoughts.

  • The only thing you have that nobody else has is control of your life. You job, your day, your heart, your spirit. You are the only one in control of that.
  • “Show up. Listen. Try to laugh.”
  • “You cannot be really good at your work if your work is all you are.”
  • “Get a life, a real life. Not a manic pursuit of the next promotion.”
  • “Turn off your cell phone. Keep still. Be present.”
  • “Get a life in which you are generous.”
  • “All of us want to do well, but if we do not do good too then doing well will never be enough.”
  • “Knowledge of our own mortality is the greatest gift God gives us.” It is so easy to exist rather than to live… Unless you know a clock is ticking.
  • We live in more luxury today than ever before. The things we have today our ancestors thought existed for just the wealthy. And yet, somehow, we are rarely grateful for all this wealth.
  • The hardest thing of all is to learn to love the journey, not the destination.
  • “This is not a dress rehearsal. Today is the only guarantee you get.”
  • “Think of life as a terminal illness.”
  • “School never ends. The classroom is everywhere.”

3 Reasons to Read This Book

  1. You need a reminder of why you should be grateful for the life you live.
  2. You need a reminder of why it is important to live a balanced life.
  3. You want to be inspired and you like short books.
The link is here in case you want to snag it (and no I’m not being paid to review or promote the book).

10 Tips to Help You Get a Good Night’s Sleep

iStock-507952433-58b995345f9b58af5c6476d6Getting 7 to 8 hours of sleep a night seems basic, right? We already know we should do it, but this is one of those things that is simple but not easy. I have 10 easy tips to help you prepare yourself for a restful night.

1. Make a plan to stop caffeine intake after a certain time. It’s different for everyone. Some people have no caffeine after 7 p.m. Others choose an earlier time. Try experiments to really know what works for you based on how caffeine affects you. Don’t give up.

2. At the end of your work day, review your calendar for the next day. Identify two tasks you will do tomorrow.

3. Take your shower or bath before bed instead of the next morning.

4. If you have children, plan or pack their snacks and make arrangements for rides, appointments.

5. Even if you are working for home, choose what you will wear tomorrow. It makes decisions easier.

6. Do what you tell the kids to do. Put away your electronic devices an hour before bedtime. No cheating.

7. Tidy up your kitchen or work space.

8. Spray or diffuse lavender scent in your bedroom. Lavender is associated with calm feelings in our brain. We use it to help babies fall asleep, too.

9. Read for a few minutes. If you don’t like to read, color or draw. It’s a nice time to write in your journal. Write down the things you are grateful for or enjoyed that day.

10. Dim your lights before turning them off.

Bonus Tips

1 Prepare your breakfast items, measure out the coffee before bedtime.

2. End phone calls at least thirty minutes before bedtime. They are often whining or complaining calls. Instead watch something funny or mindless before bed. Laughter is good medicine.

3. Review what went right that day. Let everything else go.

Can you use some coaching help? 

For more personalized help with focusing on selfcare, please consider coaching or therapy. This is the perfect time to get started. Every journey starts with a first step.

2 Ways to Identify Your True Interests

Little Girls in CostumeWhen you find your interest, you will sit like a cat watching a mouse hole.

Life has changed for most of us.  We spend a lot of time wanting to get back to “normal” which is the past and will always be our past. It seems to be human nature to think about the past when we experience change. When we are sick, we want to be well. When we are not working, we want to work. When we are not in school, we want to go to school, etc.

I get it. In fact, I have studied it and understand the way it works.  Can you see how it distracts us from being present in the moment?

People say they can’t think straight. I’m not sure what they mean but I think they are saying they don’t have a goal or focus of attention. They don’t have an identified interest which could anchor their thoughts. It feels like popcorn thinking. Pop! I need to get online. Pop! My hair needs cutting. Pop! I haven’t checked my email. Pop! Do I have enough money? Pop! Pop! Pop!

Stop the pop!

Read these suggestions slowly and out loud.

1. Identify your interests. If you can’t think of any, keep reading.

Interests.  Not a fancy word but a powerful word. Interests are things that bring you pleasure, motivate you to think and take action. Interests tend to fall by the wayside when we spend our lives working and vegging out in front of a TV or phone. We say we don’t have time. But, we do. Take the time you have and focus on your interests.
If you say you don’t have any interests, think back to childhood. What did you like to play? What was your favorite toy? What is the grown-up version? If you watch TV, is there a favorite show that sparks your interests in some way? Although, we don’t want to rely on someone or something to dictate our interests, even if you have a million channels to choose from, you’re not interested in all of them. We choose a few.

In the same way, you don’t have to have a million interests.  A few will do as long as it is YOUR interest and not your child’s interest or your friend’s interest. Your mind tunes in and will show you your interests.

Try this:  Take a walk with a friend and see what you/friend notice. It won’t be the same. One will notice colored rocks and the other birds. Our brains are different. Sure, we can switch our focus but are we interested in doing that? I can help my friend look for colored rocks, but I am not interested enough to make it my hobby.

But, a seed could be planted so that in a year or two, I start noticing colored rocks and collecting them. Things and interests change. Some interests never change. They last a lifetime. My father was interested in airplanes. I have his grade school textbook. He drew airplanes all through the book. As a young man, he took flying lessons and loved it but his mother, after losing her other son, was so scared he would crash and die that he gave it up. He would go to airports and watch the planes land and take off. He watched war movies featuring planes. His interest in airplanes lasted all his life.

2.  Imagine a teen-ager playing video games. Their focus is intense, like a cat looking at a mouse hole. You have this in you, too. Spend some time every day sitting like a cat looking at a mouse hole. That means focusing on your interest, expecting an outcome, not leaving or abandoning your interest.

Exercise:

Use this writing prompt to explore your interests.
I used to be interested in…..
Now, I am interested in…

Can you use some coaching help? 

For more personalized help with focusing on selfcare, please consider coaching or therapy. This is the perfect time to get started. Every journey starts with a first step.

Tips to Let Your Light Shine in 2020

7_Essential_Habits_of_Glowing_People_1024x10241. Guard your creative time like a Mama Bear guarding her cubs. She knows what is important and so do you.

You don’t’ have to choose just one thing to let shine in your life. It could be writing, organizing your office, work life, house, etc.

The point is to give yourself time to pursue something important to you. You would make time to go to the hair dresser and get your nails done, right? How do you make that happen? You put it on your calendar and you look forward to your appointment. Do the same thing with creative time. Put it on your calendar and to do list. You may have to retrain yourself to let your time be your time because intrusive thoughts will want your attention. All of a sudden you “remember” you need to pick up milk. No, picking up milk is for another time on your calendar.

2. Allow your dreams to come to mind. Don’t shut them down. What are your big dreams? Your little dreams? Here are categories to help you get started with thinking about ways to care for yourself that will help you be your best self and shine. Add in other categories or subcategories that make sense for you. You could include vacations, milestones, etc. Then move to step 3 below.

  • Relationships
  • Health
  • Work
  • Creativity
  • Spiritual Life
  • Community Life

3.) View this list as a lump of clay that you can form into a perfect sculpture of your life. Take some out, add some in until you get the picture of what is important to you in 2020. List 10 things in each category that you think you would like to do, be, see, or achieve in 2020. You can list more than 10! Then, answer the following questions. ??

  • If you could achieve one goal in your personal life, what would it be?
  • If you could only do one thing on your list, what would it be?
  • Now, here is the hard part (well, maybe it won’t seem hard): What will you let go of in 2020?
Last year, I created a “Protect Your Energy Planner” just for you! This year, I’m sharing it again for you to use in 2020. You can read about it and download it HERE. It would make a great complement to this exercise! My gift to you.

Ways to Keep the Family Having Fun on Thanksgiving

Image: Kids and adults gathering at the Thanksgiving tableThe holidays can be a magical time filled with laughter and love. Thanksgiving is a time for us to reflect on who and what we are grateful for and enjoy our blessings and goodies.

That’s all good, but what does your family or friend group do after or before dinner? Sometimes, dinner isn’t ready yet and people are doing all they can to stave off their hunger and lurking grumpiness. Sometimes, Thanksgiving ends up to be a group of folks who don’t know each other that well. Sometimes, after dinner people are ready to fall asleep at the dinner table.

And sometimes, you simply may not want your family members to avoid serious conversations for reasons you’ll understand if you are feeling this way.

No worries. Whether you are hosting Thanksgiving or attending someone else’s shindig as a guest, you can bring the party with you and help everyone stay light and have fun.

Here are a few ideas of things you can incorporate into your holiday.

1.) Thanksgiving Bingo – This is so much fun, and you can have up to 24 players. You can throw some quarters into a pot and play for that or you can get little goodies from the dollar store or make them and use them as prizes. A small candle or little dish towel make great prizes. Or just play for fun and maybe the winner gets out of all ktichen cleanup…something like that. If you have a little time on your hands and want to print free ones you can download and print free bingo cards here.

2.) Thanksgiving Scratch-Off Tickets – If you are hosting, this is great fun. You can purchase scratch-off tickets, and there is only one winner. The winning ticket has a sticker on it when you open the package, so you’ll know which one it is. You can pass these out and issue a goody or prize to the winner. You don’t necessarily have to buy anything. The prize could be double desert, the best seat in the house, or other fun little reward. You could even design a “turkey hunt” and hide all the scratch-offs and ask people to find them throughout the day. As they find them, they get to keep them and scratch them off to see who the winner is.

3.) Vertellis - Vertellis is a game that asks you positive questions like, “What are the 3 things that give you the most energy?”. This game gets people talking and thinking about what they are most grateful for.

4.) Abundance Ball – Some families do this at Christmas time, but it can be really fun at Thanksgiving too! You can use tiny items like candies, lottery tickets, gift cards for coffee, pretty note cards, key chains, etc. Basically everyone shares in the abundance of the ball by getting into a circle and unwrapping the saran ball until the person next to them rolls doubles and then they have to pass the ball. Everyone keeps unwrapping and pulling out items until the ball is totally unraveled. This gets everyone a little bit excited and will keep people on their toes and moving after a big feast.

I’d love to hear from you if you do any of these with your family on how it went!

If you would like more help figuring out ways to help create a life by design, click here to take advantage of my free 30 minute phone consultation.

How to Make Time for What’s Important to You

Always-find-time-for-things-that-make-you-happy-to-be-alive.Whether you are the boss, the parent, the person starting a new business or relationship, it’s never too late to plan how you want things to work out.  We lead busy lives. There’s always more to do, so it is easy to get bogged down in day-to-day living and forget to learn, create and plan a vision for your business and life. And yet, others such as your employees, co-workers, family members depend on your ability to set the plan and lead the way.

It is reported that Bill Gates takes a week off every three months for thinking. He goes to a retreat alone to review and renew. Benjamin Franklin wrote that he liked his trips across the Atlantic because he gained perspective. C. S. Lewis would often take long walks in order to have time to think. Many people say that the one hour a day is their most productive hour of the day – when they are thinking, planning, dreaming. It’s no coincidence that these people were innovators and had a life by design.

A life by design is one your choose rather than going with the flow and doing what’s chosen for you.

You can set aside an hour a day, go on a retreat, get a perspective while on vacation or a weekend at home. Divide your planning and visioning time into two components: your business life and your personal growth. Both are essential.

Design the growth you want to see. Choose the way and develop a strategy for your future. Don’t overlook your personal development plan. A plan is important if you want to be equipped to be the person you will need to be in your future life.

Here are 3 places where you can choose to make a little time to work on your goals.

1.) In the morning. Wake up earlier or replace something in your morning routine for a while. Give yourself an extra 20 or 30 minutes or whatever you can spare to work on something a little every day.

2.) On your commute. When you are on public transportation or someone else is driving, utilize that time. If you find background noise distracting, bring headphones and play relaxing music.

3.) At night. Go to bed 20 minutes later or replace something in your night time routine.

If you need work on your time management, you may want to check out this book, Time Warrior by Steve Chandler.

If you would like help figuring out ways to help create a life by design, click here to take advantage of my free 30 minute phone consultation.

Break Your Goals Into Steps

Abby-Post-4_No-LogoOnce you’ve set your mind on a goal and cleared away distractions, you’re ready to get started working. But first, you need to do some planning. When you plan in advance and use that plan, you’re more likely to succeed with your goals.

You can make a list of things to do to reach your goal. But it’s usually easier to start by evaluating what you need to make your goal a reality.

Here are a few things you may need to get going.

Tools or Supplies

What tools or supplies will you need in order to meet your goal? If you’re starting a blog, you’ll need a website and hosting. If you’re aiming to lose weight, you’ll need a food scale and measuring cups. If you’re starting a jewelry business, then you’ll need modeling clay to make charms and necklace thread.

You also need to consider supplies you may have forgotten about. If you’re starting a business, you may need child care. If you’re changing your diet, you may need new recipe books to help you prepare healthier meals.

Specialized Help

Sometimes, you can’t achieve your goals by yourself. That’s where specialized help comes in. Specialized help can take many forms. It might be hiring a personal trainer so you can get the toned body you want. It might be hiring a business coach to help you book enough clients to pay your bills.

Specialized help can sometimes be expensive. But if your goal is important to you, don’t be afraid to invest in it. Some coaches and trainers may be willing to work with you to develop a payment plan so be sure to ask if this is an option.

Support from Friends and Family

You can’t succeed in a bubble. In order to reach your goals, you’ll need the support of your family and friends. If your family and friends can’t be supportive, you should look for the support elsewhere.

Joining a support group or finding an online community can be helpful in these situations. Look for groups and communities that leave you feeling upbeat and are filled with people that want to achieve similar goals.

Return the Support

It’s easy to get so wrapped up in your new goal that you forget to invest in others. If you’re part of a group or community, make sure that you offer help to other members. Be willing to take time from your day to support someone else.

Now that you do know what you need in order to succeed, it’s time to go after your goal. It’s scary to take that first step, but you have to be willing to do it. Once you’ve taken that first step, you’ll experience a rush of confidence and increased motivation.

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE GOAL SETTING WORKBOOK

If you would like to work on breaking your negative thinking pattern, click here to take advantage of my free 30 minute phone consultation.

Decreasing the Landmines of Negativity

penguins-landmines-6Why is it we remember, replay, and make up new stories about events in our lives when we felt terrible? Ask someone to tell you about a time they got their feelings hurt and they will readily come up with an event. Ask someone when the last time they felt free, successful, happy and they hesitate and qualify that moment with “Why? It was no big deal.” But, anger, shame, and feeling demeaned…now that was a big Deal. It’s like stepping on a land mine. You never forget it and could be permanently scarred by it.

There is nothing wrong with us. It’s not because we’re holding on to the past (well, maybe we are). It’s because we feel negative emotions more intensely than positive emotions. Evolution gives us the skills to look for danger and the sense to avoid them (we still have free will). Our ancestors learned which berries to eat and which ones would make them sick. One experience of eating the wrong berries gives us a lesson we don’t forget. However, some of our ancestors learned how to scare their children about eating all berries or else they would die or face shameful punishment.

If you eat poisonous berries once, you can recover. But if we step on a land mine of negative situations every day… abusive language for example, we are not easily able to recover from them. And, it sets up a negative thinking pattern that makes us think, “Every day is awful. Those people are scary.” and permeates the day every day. You need a break. You need a change.

If you would like to work on breaking your negative thinking pattern, click here to take advantage of my free 30 minute phone consultation.

Everything You Want is on the Other Side of Fear

Other-side-of-fearI am going to share an article with you that is reprinted with permission from Harper Collins Publishers. New York. It’s an excerpt from The Feeling Good Handbook by Burns D. (1989).

“Everything you want is on the other side of fear!” so see if you can practice “Doing it afraid”.

Patterns of Cognitive Distortions:

These are 10 common cognitive distortions that can contribute to negative emotions.
They also fuel catastrophic thinking patterns that are particularly disabling. Read these
and see if you can identify ones that are familiar to you.

1. All-or-Nothing Thinking: You see things in black-or-white categories. If a situation
falls short of perfect, you see it as a total failure. When a young woman on a diet ate a
spoonful of ice cream, she told herself, “I’ve blown my diet completely.” This thought
upset her so much that she gobbled down an entire quart of ice cream!

2. Over generalization: You see a single negative event, such as a romantic rejection or
a career reversal, as a never-ending pattern of defeat by using words such as “always” or
“never” when you think about it. A depressed salesman became terribly upset when he
noticed bird dung on the windshield of his car. He told himself, “Just my luck! Birds are
always crapping on my car!”

3. Mental Filter: You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively, so that
your vision of all reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolors a beaker of
water. Example: You receive many positive comments about your presentation to a
group of associates at work, but one of them says something mildly critical. You obsess
about his reaction for days and ignore all the positive feedback.

4. Discounting the Positive: You reject positive experiences by insisting they “don’t
count.” If you do a good job, you may tell yourself that it wasn’t good enough or that
anyone could have done as well. Discounting the positive takes the joy out of life and
makes you feel inadequate and unrewarded.

5. Jumping to Conclusions: You interpret things negatively when there are no facts to
support your conclusion.

Mind Reading: Without checking it out, you arbitrarily conclude that someone
is reacting negatively to you.

Fortune-telling: You predict that things will turn out badly. Before a test you
may tell yourself, “I’m really going to blow it. What if I flunk?” If you’re
depressed you may tell yourself, “I’ll never get better.”

6. Magnification: You exaggerate the importance of your problems and shortcomings, or
you minimize the importance of your desirable qualities. This is also called the “binocular
trick.”

7. Emotional Reasoning: You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect
the way things really are: “I feel terrified about going on airplanes. It must be very
dangerous to fly.” Or “I feel guilty. I must be a rotten person.” Or “I feel angry. This proves
I’m being treated unfairly.” Or “I feel so inferior. This means I’m a second-rate person.” Or
“I feel hopeless. I must really be hopeless.

8. “Should statements”: You tell yourself that things should be the way you hoped or
expected them to be. After playing a difficult piece on the piano, a gifted pianist told
herself, “I shouldn’t have made so many mistakes.” This made her feel so disgusted that
she quit practicing for several days. “Musts,” “oughts” and “have tos” are similar
offenders.

“Should statements” that are directed against yourself lead to guilt and frustration. Should
statements that are directed against other people or the world in general lead to anger
and frustration: “He shouldn’t be so stubborn and argumentative.”

Many people try to motivate themselves with should and shouldn’ts, as if they were
delinquents who had to be punished before they could be expected to do anything. “I
shouldn’t eat that doughnut.” This usually doesn’t work because all these should and
musts make you feel rebellious and you get the urge to do just the opposite. Dr. Albert
Ellis has called this “musterbation.” I call it the “shouldy” approach to life.

9. Labeling: Labeling is an extreme form of all-or-nothing thinking. Instead of saying “I
made a mistake,” you attach a negative label to yourself: “I’m a loser.” You might also
label yourself “a fool” or “a failure” or “a jerk.” Labeling is quite irrational because you are
not the same as what you do. Human beings exist, but “fools,” “losers,” and “jerks” do not.
These labels are just useless abstractions that lead to anger, anxiety, frustration, and low
self-esteem.

You may also label others. When someone does something that rubs you the wrong way,
you may tell yourself: “He’s an S.O.B.” Then you feel that the problem is with that
person’s “character” or “essence” instead of with their thinking or behavior. You see them
as totally bad. This makes you feel hostile and hopeless about improving things and
leaves little room for constructive communication.

10. Personalization and blame: Personalization occurs when you hold yourself
personally responsible for an event that isn’t entirely under your control. When a woman
received a note that her child was having difficulties at school, she told herself, “This
shows what a bad mother I am,” instead of trying to pinpoint the cause of the problem so
that she could be helpful to her child. When another woman’s husband beat her, she told
herself, “If only I were better in bed, he wouldn’t beat me.” Personalization leads to guilt,
shame, and feelings of inadequacy.

Some people do the opposite. They blame other people or their circumstances for their
problems, and they overlook ways that they might be contributing to the problem: “The
reason my marriage is so lousy is because my spouse is totally unreasonable.” Blame
usually doesn’t work very well because other people will resent being scapegoated and
they will just toss the blame right back in your lap. It’s like the game of hot potato – no one
wants to get stuck with it.

Reframing Tips:

Explore what’s stressing you: View your situation with positive eyes.

Find what you can change: If you could, what parts of your situation would you
most like to change? With positive reframing, you may see possibilities you
weren’t aware of before.

Identify benefits: Find the benefits in the situation you face.

Discover the humor: Find the aspects of your situation that are so absurd that you
can’t help but laugh.

(The Resilience Alliance, 2011)