Author Archives: Patricia Brawley, PhD, LPC

Self Care for the Holidays and New Year

All year long you’ve heard more about self care than you did in the 80s when it was discovered that stress makes us sick. Now is not the time to give up, especially because I’ve given you some tips that are feel-good options.

While your stress is unique, the brain response is predictable. Thoughts lead to emotions and behavior, such as overeating, becoming a couch potato, raging at whatever crosses your path. .

What if you are already depressed or anxious? Does that mean you are doomed to lead a life filled with stress challenges? The good news – absolutely not! There are ways to manage both mental disorders and stress before you can’t tell which came first.

Here is a list of what and how and why.

1.) Listening to your Body is important.

What: Tune in to what your body is saying.

How: Set an alarm for every two hours each day. Tune into how you are feeling in that moment. Write down what your body needs, such as a stretch, a foot massage, a few deep breaths or a 10 minute meditation break. Are you hungry? Do you need a break? A nap?

Why: Your body deserves having needs met and often we stop paying attention when we are pressed (stressed) for time. But it will sneak up on you later in the form of illness, restlessness, anxiety, etc.

2.) Lean into your Thoughts and Feelings.

What: Tune into what you are thinking and feeling.

How: Devote a few minutes every day to journaling about what’s on your mind and what you are feeling. It can be as simple as “I’ve been thinking about…. Today.” and “Right now, I am feeling……”

You might list all the things that trigger an emotion, such as anger or sadness. Another feeling worth exploring is fear. For two minutes, let yourself write about fear. It may not be the “main” feeling but it lingers in the back of your mind and stops us from doing what we want.

You may want to write down how you’ve behaved at the end of the day.

What sensations do you feel in your body?

Why? To remind yourself you are not your thoughts. You are a separate person who is having thoughts and emotions and you can begin to see a pattern related to stressful situations.

3.) Dreams are Important.

What: We’ve been trained to disregard our dreams, telling ourselves our dreams are weird or “just a dream.” Yet, they leave messages during the night, offer insights and, with proper interpretation, motivate us to be curious about our own mind. They are both biologically and psychologically important for mental health and well being. These are the night dreams.

What about Day Dreams? They are equally important. Don’t feel guilty for exploring what you really love to do. The same goes for what your goals and aspirations are. Don’t expect anyone else to love it like you do. It’s not their Dream. You don’t have to quit your job tomorrow to live your dreams.

How: Channel them into your days, whether it’s putting together a jigsaw puzzle of Paris before you plan a trip or putting your feelings into a poem or painting them in an art class.

Knowing and living your dreams is a great act of self-love. Put away the shoulds and consider what you really love to do. What activities bring you joy? What are your aspirations? What would you do for free? What did you love as a child? You don’t have to overhaul your career to live your dreams. You can channel your dreams into your days, whether it’s penning a poem before work or painting in the evenings. These are suggestions, but the action should be doing something you enjoy.

Why? It soothes your body, mind, and spirit.

4.) Be Mindful.

What? Do a mindful Exercise.

How? Practicing mindful exercises such as yoga or mindful walking is a safe way to reconnect with your body and accept this is “now.” Mindful exercise is not driven to manipulate your body into a pretzel or attain a number on your step-counter.

Why? It cultivates kindness and acceptance toward your body. It is enjoyable.

5.) Every sea has a shore. Establish healthy boundaries.

What? Say no because you are being true to yourself, not being bad to others.

How? Start small and stick with it. Lean how to say, “I wish I could do that for you, but my time is already booked.” in your own words.

Why? Boundaries are essential for reducing stress. It is easy to fall into relationships that undermine your mental health and contribute to stress by asking more and more of you, even to the point where you forget about self care.

6.) Write a love Letter

What: Write a message that counteracts the ANTS in your mind. ANTS stands for Automatic Negative Thoughts. You can picture these little buggers crawling all over your brain when you catch yourself having a harsh, critical, judgmental thought.

How: Replace these ANT thoughts with positive affirmations about yourself. If this feels weird, make a list of your attributes, accomplishments, traits,. Imagine a friend writing this about you. The letter is written in your kind, loving voice. The self-critical statements are untrue. Replace them with realistic, helpful or compassionate messages to yourself.

Why? Because some days are crummy and the ANTs take over. It’s good to have a positive letter to come back to and read again to put things in perspective.

7.) Make a Date.

What? Include activities that nourish your soul and make you smile and feel relaxed.

How? Go to your Calendar and schedule several dates with yourself this month.

Why? Treat yourself like someone you love. If you can’t think of where you would like to go or what activity would be fun, you’ll have to keep an open mind to learn these things. You are a human being who needs care and you are the best person to provide that care. Don’t wait until someone reads your mind. They may never guess you like to go to a stationary store and smell paper and handle pens.

If you are struggling with this and need help, you can schedule a coaching consultation or therapy session with me, and I’d be happy to help you get started!

Nurturing Grit

Where does Grit come from? What is it? Do you want it?

One would think that children who were intelligent (I Q) and were socially intelligent (EQ) would do the best in school. Not always. Predictors of success in school and in life turn out to be Stamina, Passion, Persistence, in other words, Grit.

Every college teacher knows that students come into the classroom with a diverse educational background and a reason to succeed at succeeding or succeed at failing. Either way, they work hard. I remember my surprised when I learned that students from church schools taught by uneducated teachers competed well against their peers who were taught at private or public schools with trained educators. The difference between them was the church schooled students didn’t know as much as the others but they would go find the answers. They were willing to do the work. They wanted to learn more than play. I didn’t know what to call this then but now I would say they had “Grit.” They didn’t give up just because they didn’t know the answer.

There is a lesson to learn.

Whatever your gift, if you don’t take the time to ____________ (fill in the blank) write, exercise, etc. chances are you won’t end up with what you desire. You’ve heard that writers should write every day whether you feel like it or not. My meditation teacher, Jon Kabat Zinn, told us we should meditate every day whether we wanted to or not. Show some grit and do the thing you know you should do.

You will have setbacks. That’s the point. Don’t stop or give up. Find a hero who succeeded after rejection letters, failed attempts and still kept going. Pay homage.

Your day will get busy. Your attention collapses into that of a gnat. That’s why you should write, exercise, do chores, or work early in the day before email, phone calls, and daily routines steal you away from your goals. Plan your creative time as though you were meeting a lover because you are. Fall in love with your desires, your work, or your art. That’s Grit, too.

None of us have to re-invent the wheel to let our light shine. Read about others, adapt their advice and apply it to your life. You will soon feel more confident. If you put in the work and show up for your life and what motivates you, you’ll get better at whatever you are doing or learning. That is Grit, too.

There’s Always Something to Be Grateful For

Funny how things change my attitude and perspective. I intended to write about the benefits of fall weather, how beautiful the changes, the welcoming of coolness, etc. when one MORE hurricane was predicted to come our way. When I looked at the news the little swirling circle showing the path of the hurricane was right over my house. I know. I know. Some of you saw it as a time to have a Hurricane Party but that’s not my style.

Maybe I should lighten up but once you are traumatized it is difficult to forget what weather can do. One of my students lost her house in the last hurricane. Another is still sandbagging when I talked to her yesterday. A friend’s sister barely escaped a fire with a handful of clothes. Five neighbors perished. I/we have a lot to be grateful for.

But today, I decided to shift focus from scarcity to gratefulness. Like Oprah, I made a gratitude list in my journal this morning. I have enough: air to breathe, life to live, food, shelter, water, love, and friends. I am blessed. I hope you will do the same and feel how good gratefulness feels. There’s always something we can do to feel better if it’s nothing more than chewing gum. Sing a song. Remember I wrote a series all around “This little Light of Mine” earlier this year? Now is a good time to sing it again.

For a visual of how to change perspective, check out Nicole’s pictures on the right! For those of you who may not know her, Nicole is my virtual assistant. These photos are of a beach she visited in Michigan at the end of August. One would no picture this loveliness when you think of Michigan, but there it was. People who saw these pictures thought it was a tropical island.

Other than sharing the loveliness of these photos, the point is that you never know what you’ll find if you look locally. There are tons of wonderful places to visit right in your own backyard. If you’ve been cooped up due to Covid and are feeling restless, do a quick Google search on things around you that you are interested in. You may be able to find something very interesting without going to far at all.

And be grateful for the small blessings in your life because we aren’t promised another day with our loved ones, another chance to do something, or another opportunity to seize the day.

A Short Guide to a Happy Life By Anna Quindlen

I’m sharing this great summary of James Clear’s book “A Short Guide to a Happy Life” because I think she does a great job of summing it up. This is one of my favorite books.

The Book in Three Sentences:
The only thing you have that nobody else has is control of your life. The hardest thing of all is to learn to love the journey, not the destination. Get a real life rather than frantically chasing the next level of success.

Key Ideas:
This is a list of key ideas that I recorded while reading the book. These notes are informal and include quotes from the book as well as my own thoughts.

The only thing you have that nobody else has is control of your life. You job, your day, your heart, your spirit. You are the only one in control of that.
“Show up. Listen. Try to laugh.”
“You cannot be really good at your work if your work is all you are.”
“Get a life, a real life. Not a manic pursuit of the next promotion.”
“Turn off your cell phone. Keep still. Be present.”
“Get a life in which you are generous.”
“All of us want to do well, but if we do not do good too then doing well will never be enough.”
“Knowledge of our own mortality is the greatest gift God gives us.” It is so easy to exist rather than to live… Unless you know a clock is ticking.
We live in more luxury today than ever before. The things we have today our ancestors thought existed for just the wealthy. And yet, somehow, we are rarely grateful for all this wealth.
The hardest thing of all is to learn to love the journey, not the destination.
“This is not a dress rehearsal. Today is the only guarantee you get.”
“Think of life as a terminal illness.”
“School never ends. The classroom is everywhere.”

3 Reasons to Read This Book

You need a reminder of why you should be grateful for the life you live.
You need a reminder of why it is important to live a balanced life.
You want to be inspired and you like short books.

The link is here in case you want to snag it (and no I’m not being paid to review or promote the book).

10 Tips to Help You Get a Good Night’s Sleep

Getting 7 to 8 hours of sleep a night seems basic, right? We already know we should do it, but this is one of those things that is simple but not easy. I have 10 easy tips to help you prepare yourself for a restful night.

1. Make a plan to stop caffeine intake after a certain time. It’s different for everyone. Some people have no caffeine after 7 p.m. Others choose an earlier time. Try experiments to really know what works for you based on how caffeine affects you. Don’t give up.

2. At the end of your work day, review your calendar for the next day. Identify two tasks you will do tomorrow.

3. Take your shower or bath before bed instead of the next morning.

4. If you have children, plan or pack their snacks and make arrangements for rides, appointments.

5. Even if you are working for home, choose what you will wear tomorrow. It makes decisions easier.

6. Do what you tell the kids to do. Put away your electronic devices an hour before bedtime. No cheating.

7. Tidy up your kitchen or work space.

8. Spray or diffuse lavender scent in your bedroom. Lavender is associated with calm feelings in our brain. We use it to help babies fall asleep, too.

9. Read for a few minutes. If you don’t like to read, color or draw. It’s a nice time to write in your journal. Write down the things you are grateful for or enjoyed that day.

10. Dim your lights before turning them off.

Bonus Tips

1 Prepare your breakfast items, measure out the coffee before bedtime.

2. End phone calls at least thirty minutes before bedtime. They are often whining or complaining calls. Instead watch something funny or mindless before bed. Laughter is good medicine.

3. Review what went right that day. Let everything else go.

Can you use some coaching help?

For more personalized help with focusing on selfcare, please consider coaching or therapy. This is the perfect time to get started. Every journey starts with a first step.

2 Ways to Identify Your True Interests

When you find your interest, you will sit like a cat watching a mouse hole.

Life has changed for most of us. We spend a lot of time wanting to get back to “normal” which is the past and will always be our past. It seems to be human nature to think about the past when we experience change. When we are sick, we want to be well. When we are not working, we want to work. When we are not in school, we want to go to school, etc.

I get it. In fact, I have studied it and understand the way it works. Can you see how it distracts us from being present in the moment?

People say they can’t think straight. I’m not sure what they mean but I think they are saying they don’t have a goal or focus of attention. They don’t have an identified interest which could anchor their thoughts. It feels like popcorn thinking. Pop! I need to get online. Pop! My hair needs cutting. Pop! I haven’t checked my email. Pop! Do I have enough money? Pop! Pop! Pop!

Stop the pop!

Read these suggestions slowly and out loud.

1. Identify your interests. If you can’t think of any, keep reading.

Interests. Not a fancy word but a powerful word. Interests are things that bring you pleasure, motivate you to think and take action. Interests tend to fall by the wayside when we spend our lives working and vegging out in front of a TV or phone. We say we don’t have time. But, we do. Take the time you have and focus on your interests.
If you say you don’t have any interests, think back to childhood. What did you like to play? What was your favorite toy? What is the grown-up version? If you watch TV, is there a favorite show that sparks your interests in some way? Although, we don’t want to rely on someone or something to dictate our interests, even if you have a million channels to choose from, you’re not interested in all of them. We choose a few.

In the same way, you don’t have to have a million interests. A few will do as long as it is YOUR interest and not your child’s interest or your friend’s interest. Your mind tunes in and will show you your interests.

Try this: Take a walk with a friend and see what you/friend notice. It won’t be the same. One will notice colored rocks and the other birds. Our brains are different. Sure, we can switch our focus but are we interested in doing that? I can help my friend look for colored rocks, but I am not interested enough to make it my hobby.

But, a seed could be planted so that in a year or two, I start noticing colored rocks and collecting them. Things and interests change. Some interests never change. They last a lifetime. My father was interested in airplanes. I have his grade school textbook. He drew airplanes all through the book. As a young man, he took flying lessons and loved it but his mother, after losing her other son, was so scared he would crash and die that he gave it up. He would go to airports and watch the planes land and take off. He watched war movies featuring planes. His interest in airplanes lasted all his life.

2. Imagine a teen-ager playing video games. Their focus is intense, like a cat looking at a mouse hole. You have this in you, too. Spend some time every day sitting like a cat looking at a mouse hole. That means focusing on your interest, expecting an outcome, not leaving or abandoning your interest.

Exercise:

Use this writing prompt to explore your interests.
I used to be interested in…..
Now, I am interested in…

Can you use some coaching help?

For more personalized help with focusing on selfcare, please consider coaching or therapy. This is the perfect time to get started. Every journey starts with a first step.

If You Can See It, You Can Be It

Vision boards are a fabulous way to focus on your good life and visualize what you want to achieve. It’s fun, too! Learn more about creating a vision board.

The vision board you see here to the right is one that someone on my team created.

But, if scanning through old magazines isn’t your idea of fun, you can still create a vision board – or maybe call it a vision diary or journal – without all the cutting and pasting.

You can have a digital vision board.

Achieve the same effect of a paper-and-paste vision board but use a Word document and free digital photos instead. If you want more design elements to your digital vision board, try Adobe Spark’s free collage maker.

You can also use a vision board design tool. This article has 7 different options that were specifically designed to create a vision board.

This is a fun alternative if you’re pressed for time during lunch or if you just don’t have a stash of magazines. Once your digital vision board is complete, make it your computer’s wallpaper so you will have a reminder every day of why you’re working so hard.

5 Ways to Have the Good Life

I doubt you would go on vacation without a destination and a map. You would make plans. You would be successful in reaching your destination. You can accomplish something similarly with daily, monthly, and yearly goals.

If your definition of “the good life” is something thousands of other people have already achieved, and you are not pleased with your progress, review your strategies. Something’s missing or you’ve gotten lost in the swamp of everyday distractions. If you’re working hard and not getting the results you deserve, STOP! Step back. Re-calculate. You need a better plan!

You don’t have to aim to be the best at something or even what you or other people consider “successful”. Choose what would make YOU feel successful, satisfied, or happy.

When people are truly happy and living a good life, they have done certain things to get there. For the most part, the things they do are simple, ordinary things we all can do.

Here’s a short list of 5 to use as your map to destination good life.

1.) Find the courage to choose specific, concrete goals. You can’t have or do everything, so make choices from your bucket list. If you can’t make a choice, try creating a vision board. The act of putting a vision board together could help you get more clear. Learn more about creating a vision board.

2.) Focus on personal development first, external achievement second. To have more, become more. More what, you ask? You may want to become more accepting of yourself, excited, motivated, and genuine. Or you may need to fill a gap between you and your goal by learning a skill or technique that you don’t know. You can take a class or join a networking group of like-minded people to do this.

3.) You do not have to know how do everything. There are plenty of experts, books, counselors, and coaches to help you. Make a list of the top 5 books, blogs, or podcasts on the subject and build time into your schedule to read or listen.

4.) Get your calendar out and take time to plan and have the discipline to commit to your plan. You can do something every day or week. Baby steps help you keep your focus. Never give up.

5.) Work smart. If you aren’t getting the results you anticipated, consult with someone (or have a good talk with yourself), review your plan, and devise a better plan. You have not failed. It’s called editing and re-writing. You know how many times writers re-write their novels? Or how many times I re-wrote this article? Think of you plan as a set of binoculars. You may need to keep adjusting the view until it’s clear.

Maps are not perfect and sometimes we need to venture off the main road to get to where we want to wind up.

For more personalized help developing a strategy that will help you create the life you truly want, please consider coaching. This is the perfect time to get started. Every journey starts with the first step. We can talk it over and decide the best way forward.

Tips to Let Your Light Shine in 2020

1. Guard your creative time like a Mama Bear guarding her cubs. She knows what is important and so do you.

You don’t’ have to choose just one thing to let shine in your life. It could be writing, organizing your office, work life, house, etc.

The point is to give yourself time to pursue something important to you. You would make time to go to the hair dresser and get your nails done, right? How do you make that happen? You put it on your calendar and you look forward to your appointment. Do the same thing with creative time. Put it on your calendar and to do list. You may have to retrain yourself to let your time be your time because intrusive thoughts will want your attention. All of a sudden you “remember” you need to pick up milk. No, picking up milk is for another time on your calendar.

2. Allow your dreams to come to mind. Don’t shut them down. What are your big dreams? Your little dreams? Here are categories to help you get started with thinking about ways to care for yourself that will help you be your best self and shine. Add in other categories or subcategories that make sense for you. You could include vacations, milestones, etc. Then move to step 3 below.

Relationships
Health
Work
Creativity
Spiritual Life
Community Life

3.) View this list as a lump of clay that you can form into a perfect sculpture of your life. Take some out, add some in until you get the picture of what is important to you in 2020. List 10 things in each category that you think you would like to do, be, see, or achieve in 2020. You can list more than 10! Then, answer the following questions. ??

If you could achieve one goal in your personal life, what would it be?
If you could only do one thing on your list, what would it be?
Now, here is the hard part (well, maybe it won’t seem hard): What will you let go of in 2020?

Last year, I created a “Protect Your Energy Planner” just for you! This year, I’m sharing it again for you to use in 2020. You can read about it and download it HERE. It would make a great complement to this exercise! My gift to you.

Blessing and Meditation Practice for You

Blessing someone and ourselves costs nothing and gives a great return. You will feel better, more open and compassionate.Give this gift to yourself or someone else who needs it.

Below are some phrases I put together for you.

Pick 3 to start and say them silently. Start with saying the phrase to yourself, such as, “May I be happy and peaceful.” Next think of someone you love and think “May ____ be happy and peaceful.” Next, think of someone you know casually, such as the cashier you see every week, and say to yourself, “May________ be happy and peaceful.” If you want to stretch yourself, choose someone you have a grudge toward or don’t like and ask that they be happy and peaceful, too.

Move on to your next phrase and repeat the exercise.

Start with 3 phrases, and either build to more or switch to another three phrases as you continue your practice.

May I be happy and peaceful.
May I be safe and protected.
May I be healthy and strong.
May I have ease of mind and heart.
May I be free from suffering.
May I be kind to myself.
May I trust my goodness.
May I love and accept myself just as I am.
May I live with ease and good health.
And be filled with loving-kindness.

The Muses Kiss

Therapeutic Writing to Peacefully Navigate Life's Changes