Category Archives: Dealing with Emotions

What’s in Your Sandbox?

sandcastleWe adult often take life so seriously that we block our own growth with a lack of creativity. We schedule and discipline ourselves into our routines so much that we lose our sense of truly living in the process. We’ve become so busy in our everyday lives that having hobbies today is almost a rare situation for people.

But why should we care about hobbies? Why is having play in our lives important?

Playing relieves stress. This is a scientific fact, and it’s not hard for us to experience the results of how we feel when we live in play. Don’t you feel good after doing or seeing something that makes you laugh? What is it like after a nice bike ride, swim, walk or game of tennis? Doing what you love helps you to create your “happy place”.

You’ll have better relationships with others. Trying new things gives you the opportunity to meet new people or form deeper bonds with the people in your life that you want to spend time with. You may learn that someone is good at something you never knew about or that you are.

Stimulate your mind to think in new and exciting ways. Having fun, trying new things, and being in a different setting are ways to stimulate your mind. Because we are focusing on something different or new, our brain has no choice to be present and focused to absorb it…being present…how about that for a change?

The options for what you can do are limitless. Painting, coloring, sewing, joining a book club, biking, bowling are just a few. And, you don’t have to make a huge commitment to something. Once a week or a few minutes a day of embracing something you love to do is enough.

The best part of this is you aren’t obligated to stick with anything. Just get in the sandbox of life and try different things!

Be the Star in Your Own Show

YOUActors develop this skill to new heights. Sounds like fun? Most actors call it work. They have to study a character’s way of talking, walking, style, accent, expressions, emotions — well, everything about that imagined person. Then, they present a performance that seems real and memorable to us. He/she enacts a character’s body not so much to imitate but to feels as though their own body is living differently in a special world (stage or movie). If they flub up, the director will say they are “out of character.”

All this work/fun takes a toll on an actor’s sense of self and identity. We don’t think much about it, but losing one’s self in a stage character can be jarring. The actor has to suddenly come back to the real world, and it can take some time to adjust to who they really are. A role can even permanently change the actor by forcing him/her to think differently than they did before it.

We are all actors. We all play a role in life. We learned the part in our families growing up.

But it may be time to learn a new part and be the star in a different show.

In therapy, we urge our clients to become their “authentic selves” rather than their “conditioned selves”. In other words, we want you to develop and express your true nature, likes/dislikes, personality, and real preferences. We want you to do what you really wanted before you were told who to be like, what to do, what to think, how to act.

Often this feeling of not being true to oneself is what brings a person to therapy. They may feel conflicted or depressed. If they become who they really are, they believe it will disappoint family and peers. Perhaps they are right. An actor describes how each step of putting on stage makeup creates his character. He said, he “would look in the mirror and wait until he came and was looking back at me.”

Compare that to times you know you are not being genuine.  Maybe you have a job that requires you to act a certain way. That’s not necessarily a bad thing but you do feel the difference when you come home and drop that role by the door, don’t you? . Any time you look in the mirror and feel like you are seeing someone else’s life instead of yours, you are not being your authentic self. You know what I’m talking about, right?

Some people rebel and become the complete opposite just to assert themselves.  Others continue to live the lives imposed by parents and peers but with an uneasy feeling that this is not their true self. They have taken on a role that is lived out in the stage of their environment. This takes a toll.

To learn more about your authentic self, visualize yourself at a movie theater. The music plays, a curtain comes up on the screen, and there you are: a star. Only this time, the actress is made up to look like you.  She has studied the genuine and authentic you. She knows how you would sound. How you would walk, what you would enjoy talking about, what your imagined life would look like and it’s all there for you to see.  If she gets it right, how do you feel? If she “flubs up” how is she out of character?

On the stage of life, you are the director, the actor and, at times, the audience. Make it a great show!

The Taste of Bitterness

tongue-bitterBumping up against the same obstacle in your life over and over again can be frustrating and exhausting. Everyone has something they struggle with. It could be weight loss, organization, social relationships, health issues, addiction, and the list goes on.

When we struggle to change a habit or behavior that isn’t serving us well and we fail multiple times, we may feel desperate. When we feel desperate, we’ll do almost anything to overcome whatever hurdle is standing in our way of making it to our self-imposed finish line. If we can’t find a way to overcome it, it’s easy to become bitter.

What is bitterness? Bitterness is disappointment and resentment that occurs from the feeling of being treated unfairly. That make sense, right? We often do feel treated unfairly when we try really hard to do something and we just can’t seem to do it.

But, what if we thought about the challenge differently?

There is alternative to feeling bitter. Perhaps, it’s getting to the root of why we are having the challenge in the first place that’s more important. If we take a moment to ask ourselves, why we can’t stick to our diet, organize our paperwork, give that public speech, or overcome our illness, we may find the solution to the problem.

Not asking why we are having such a hard time is a little like trying to put a band-aid on broken bone. You may stop the blood from coming out, but the bone will not heal! So, stop and take a few deep breaths. Write your question down in a journal answer it. Becoming aware of your broken bone is the first step to healing it.

Then, some of you may think, “This issue is not in my control.” Perhaps, you’re sick with an illness that you can’t seem to shake or someone has done something to you and you are struggling with overcoming those feelings. Try to think of this situation as a lesson and a story. Ask yourself what you can take away from this situation and turn into something positive. Sometimes, there’s solace through suffering. Maybe you have a lesson to share with someone else or maybe your current situation has brought you where you need to be to help you realize something that will change your life for the better.

Before you accept the bitter taste of bitterness, I challenge you to regroup and find the sweetness that life has to offer.

Chasing Two Bunnies

twobunnies2Chasing Two Bunnies

Which Bunny are You Chasing?

I recently read a blog article by David Nagle that said that trying to run two business is like chasing two bunnies. He goes on to say that what you focus on is what will grow and you should try to focus on one thing at a time.

I totally get this. When inspiration hits, I get a lot of ideas at once. There are times that I wanted to pursue more than one business, so I could serve people in different ways. I feel passionate about all of them and have to make some decisions about what to focus on.  Did that ever happen to you?

Can you visualize yourself in your yard with several bunnies running in different directions and you are trying to chase all of them? They may all be fuzzy, cute and tempting, but you can’t possibly catch them all at once.

In order to figure out which bunny is the best one for you, you need to ask yourself which one you want the most and why. What is the underlying reason you want that particular bunny? You also need to explore whether or not you have any fear around pursuing these options as well. Confronting your fears will help you move past them.

You may also get stuck because you want to pursue one option, but you’re afraid the other one will go away. Remember, you can always come back later and pursue something else. If you think the opportunity may not be there later, but you know there’s another option you want to pursue a little more, let it go. If it was meant to be, it’ll come around again.

Just be sure to pick one direction or you may find yourself wasting a whole lot of energy running in different directions without any bunnies to show for it.

If you need one-on-one help with this, you can book a complimentary session with me HERE.

*Disclaimer: these suggestions are not meant to substitute for medical treatment of depression.

5 Ways to Create an AntiDepressant Brain

happybrain2Everyone has had times when things just seemed out of whack and bleak. Job performance, relationships, health, and/or plans have suffered. Depression robs us of happiness.

Elisha Goldstein, author of the book Uncovering Happiness: Overcoming Depression with Mindfulness and Self-Compassion, has studied what helps create more resilience and happiness within us and has found it is within us a core set of natural antidperessants.  Here are 5 suggestions to shift our brain activity in ways that can lend itself to shaping an antidepressant brain.

1.) Mindfulness could reduce depression.

Mindfulness is defined as the quality of state of being conscious or aware of the present moment and how you feel and accepting how you feel. Mindfulness practice is connected to lower depression scores, and we can actually see why in the brain. When people practice mindfulness they spend less time in the part of the brain that ruminates on the old stories that keep us stuck in the past. Instead, they spend more time connecting to the area of the brain responsible for sensing the world.

2.) Self-compassion can powerfully fight anxiety.

Self-compassion reduces rumination (spending time rehearsing those unhelpful stories from the past) and increases well-being. This is inversely correlated with anxiety and depression.

3.) Compassion practices can increase empathy.

Compassion practices can shift activity to the left prefrontal cortex, and that has been more associated with positive emotions and resiliency. We can also grow the areas of the brain associated with empathy and compassion.

4.) Play can be a natural anti-depressant.

Studies reveal that the act of play as well as creating more enriching environments can give us energy, make us more efficient, and serve as a natural anti-depressant.

5.) Living with purpose could reduce inflammation.

Living with greater purpose has been shown to reduce the expression of genes associated with cellular inflammation. Cellular inflammation is associated with many diseases and depression.

The science that continues to come out about mindfulness, self-compassion, purpose, compassion, play and confidence and their neurological benefits is incredibly motivating.

But don’t take my word for it – begin to bring these natural antidepressants into your life, and see what you notice. Of course, this list just scratches the surface of how to naturally create a more antidepressant brain.

*Disclaimer: these suggestions are not meant to substitute for medical treatment of depression.

 

Get Your Joy Map Here

I created this Joy Map one-page handout just for you. You can use this as a guide to create joy in your life. You deserve to be happy! Not just the “I’m okay, how are you?” kind of happy, the “I’m extatic and I love my life and work.” kind of happy. Stop waiting for the perfect time. Now is the perfect time. Ready? Go!

1.) Print this out.
2.) Sit somewhere inviting and comfortable.
3.) Complete this with relaxed intention.
3.) Plot out your goals or create a vision board with this.
4.) Live Happily Ever After!

Download Your Joy Map Here

A Parable about a Hidden Force that May Be Keeping You Stuck

The sisters, Regret and Guilt, look a lot alike but they are very different.

When Regret makes a mistake she cries, “Oh, I wish I hadn’t done that!” or “Why did I do that?” or “I’m never doing that again!”

But when Guilt makes a mistake she yells, “You idiot, you blew it again!” or “You are such a loser-what’s the matter with you?” or “You might as well give up; you’re never going to get it right.”

Regret makes mistakes all the time. She figures that everybody does, especially when they’re learning something new. Regret doesn’t even really seem to mind making mistakes because she always learns something that helps her do things a little differently the next time. She even laughs at herself and shares her mistakes with others so they’ll learn too. She doesn’t care that other people sometimes do things better-but she wants to be the best she can be so she never gives up trying.

Of course, Guilt makes mistakes too but she blames herself because she believes she should know better. Instead of helping her learn, her mistakes just prove that she is a bad person and that something is wrong with her. She is often angry with herself and sometimes other people. Secretly, she feels unloved and unworthy so with every mistake she resolves to do things perfectly the next time to prove to everyone else that she is good enough.

One day, Regret and Guilt agreed that it was time to make some lifestyle changes. Regret regretted that her energy level was low and she wasn’t able to do all of the things she wanted. Guilt felt bad too-guilty that she was “too fat and lazy.”

Regret. . . messed up, then made a plan.

Like most people, Regret had been on dozens of diets and knew they just didn’t work for her. She decided that this time she would make small changes to the way she ate. She started by paying more attention to her hunger and fullness cues. It sounded simple enough but it wasn’t as easy as she thought, especially when someone brought donuts to the office. After two days of eating donuts mid-morning, she realized she needed to make a plan. She gave herself extra time in the morning to have breakfast and pack lunch. She also made a list of other things she could do when the donuts were calling her. She continually tweaked her plan to figure out what worked the best and congratulated herself on her small successes.

A few days into it, she had a really stressful day at work and was thrilled when she remembered that it was her co-worker’s birthday because that meant cake! She wasn’t hungry but had a piece of the delicious chocolate cake while she celebrated with her friend…then went back for another piece after everyone else returned to their desks. Within an hour she noticed she felt tired and a little sick-but still stressed out. Regret regretted her decision to have the second piece of cake-but not the first! She decided that next time she felt stressed she would take a short walk instead of going back for more.

Guilt. . . disaster struck!

Guilt liked the idea of using hunger and fullness too-but she had failed on so many diets that she doubted she would do any better with this approach. She told herself that this was her last chance to get it right so every time she felt like eating she made sure she was hungry first. She felt great because she was doing it perfectly! After a week of only eating when she was hungry, disaster struck. She had already eaten most of her lunch at her desk when her boss showed up with cake to celebrate Secretary’s Day. She had a piece even though she wasn’t hungry. Within a few minutes she was berating herself for her terrible mistake, knowing that she had failed at this too. She gave up and went back for a second piece. She felt so bad about herself that she picked up a pizza and ice cream on the way home. After all, she couldn’t even get this right so what was the point?

Although Guilt was well intentioned, her unrealistic expectations and the shame and blame she heaped on herself were preventing her from learning, improving, and forgiving herself when she made choices that didn’t work out well. She even felt guilty for feeling guilty!

Perfection is not possible–or necessary.

She finally asked her sister for help. Regret explained that while there’s always room for improvement, toddlers fall down many times before becoming proficient at walking. They may cry but they don’t feel ashamed. Instead they get up, make adjustments, and try again. Her favorite words of wisdom:   Perfection is not possible–or necessary. When you make a mistake, don’t miss the lesson. Small changes slowly add up to big changes.

*This article was originally written by Dr. Michelle May, M.D. founder of “Am I hungry.” This information does not take the place of medical treatment

Are You Ramping Up or Ramping Down?

In thinking about what the beginning of a new year means for each of us, I observed that we always seem to either be ramping up or ramping down from something in our lives. This is especially true for consultants and business owners who struggle with balance. Have YOU ever noticed this pattern in your life?

For example, we decide at the beginning of one year that we are feeling really ambitious and are getting ready to give our all to the new initiatives that have been stewing within us and we’ve been waiting to execute. That’s our “ramp up”. We are making the decision to bring our full focus and energy to some things in our lives. We are coming at those things with full steam and expect to see quick and impactful results from our hard work.

Then, there’s the “ramp down”. The “ramp down” year seems to happen when we have been working on something (or multiple things) with everything we’ve got over some period of time, and we are tired! We have worked ourselves to the point of exhaustion this year and need to plan some restful activities to rejuvenate us and refresh and minds and bodies. And then, there are times stuff just happens in life and we don’t have any control over it. We have to take the lesson for what it is and move on.

Such is life, right? We have ups and downs, ebs and flows with everything. It’s true. But, I think there’s two things we can take away from acknowledging and embracing this fact.

First, it may be helpful to think about where your life is this year and what you expect things to look like. If you know your goals will need all the energy you can muster this year, it’s your “ramp up” year! Embrace that and plan for it! Create a reasonable schedule. Be clear on your expectations for results. If you aren’t clear, you could find yourself doing a whole lot of “busy work” for nothing. Decide what you will give yourself as a reward for all that work!  Having a why is what keeps us going! The same is true for the “ramp down”. Be clear on how you’ll wind down from what you’ve been doing during your “ramp up”. Decide what you’d like to cut down on or eliminate from your life and what you’d like to keep. Make conscious choices on how you’ll use your time and space to bring yourself into a more rested state to get ready for the next thing you want to initiate in your life.

Second, do your best to develop balance and the ebs and flows we experience in life will have less of an impact on whether or not you achieve your goals! By continuously building downtime and energizing activities into our lives, we stoke the fire that keeps our ambitions alive. Sure, it’s easier said than done. But, if we are intentional about paying attention to this, we empower ourselves to thrive no matter what comes our way in life.

Whatever your goals / purpose are for this year, be intentional, have a plan, and enjoy all the rewards life will surely send your way!

*this information does not take the place of medical treatment

Are you addicted to feeling dead?

Whether you use food, alcohol, drugs, work, texting or something else, suppressing emotions is habit-forming. The question is, “Why are feelings being generated by life and memories dreaded or boring?” Even if the events that are attached to emotions are long past and the issues are resolved, people often have the habit of numbing out while they are happening. When a person does this, the emotions do not go away. They linger and fester.

That’s why it is important to consider whether or not this has happened to you in any areas of your life. Have you noticed that the underlying goal of whatever your cover addiction is, is really to attain numbness or a deadness feeling state? Take a few deep breaths and pay think about this for a while. No worries, though. You can change any habit. You can become aware of your habits and vices that cover up your feelings and work toward becoming open to experiencing your feelings as they come.

The best way to do this is to just stop when you feel called to engage in the bad habit you know you want to break. Ask yourself why you want to do this thing right now and wait for the true answer to come to you. This is a worthy practice. Notice the word is “practice”. We’ll never be done with problems, memories, and feelings about them.  Such is life. But acknowledging your feelings and choosing how to channel them (with writing, exercise, etc.) will help you get control of your life and health and let go of whatever is dulling your sparkle.

*this information does not take the place of medical treatment

3 Ways We Know Santa is Alive and Well

Tis’ the season of giving!  Now is the time of year that we all give a little more of ourselves. While you are making your list and checking it twice, there are 3 things you can do now that will set you up for an awesome 2017 and keep the spirit of Santa alive in your life.

Here they are.

1.) Give to Others. It’s for you just as much as it’s for them! During this time of year, many of us give to charity. Some people set up their budgets and plans for giving in the new year around this time as well. It really doesn’t matter if you plan as you go or you plan in advance. But, I encourage you to think about causes that mean something special to you this year and decide how you want to contribute. Giving doesn’t always have to be about money. You could give time to a school, church, or person who needs help. Your kids could shovel snow or mow the lawn for someone disabled. I’m going to sign up for ‘give an hour” program for veterans. Donate to local causes, so you can get a good understanding of how the money is being used.

When you are proactive about giving, it pays you back in a multitude of ways. First, it simply feels good to serve others. When you consciously choose the organizations you donate to, you’ll get the opportunity to see the full impact of how you are helping others. Second, you have a chance to figure out what level of giving fits into your budget and/or into your schedule and you are more likely to follow through with it. Last but not least, you can look back at how you and your family incorporated service / donations into your lives and you can make decisions about what you’d like to do in the future. Plus, you can deduct charitable expenses! There’s no better feeling in the world than stepping up to give to others instead of living with the nagging feeling that you could have done something but didn’t. So, do it to free yourself and you will immediately be more happy! Ask yourself, “What would Santa do?”.

2.) Ask yourself what gift you’d love to give YOU this year. I mentioned this to you in my personal note, and I want to take a minute here to elaborate. This could be a big deal or it could be something small. If you’d love to give yourself a healthy body, give yourself the gift of time to exercise every day. Make that time sacred in your calendar and do not give it up to anyone.

If you’d like to give yourself the gift of a trip to Paris, give yourself small gifts all year that will help you reach that goal. Buy a map of Paris, start learning French, or start a savings plan and contribute whatever you can this year. Your gift to yourself could even be something as simple as signing up for a magazine subscription or getting a new book that you’ve been wanting to read for a long time.

Give yourself whatever your heart desires! Who ever said you should be deprived of what you want? You deserve to have something just for YOU! Just knowing you’re taking action to give yourself something you really want will make you happier and prevent you from doing things from a place of lack in your life. If you want something and take steps to give it to yourself, the universe will act like Santa Clause and immediately fulfill it for you! Just like that…really!

3.) Pick a theme word for your life. Everyone knows Santa Clause’s purpose. His mantra is “Ho, ho, ho!” and when you hear it, you know there’s a jolly man in a red suit running around delivering presents. What’s your mantra? The more clear you are about what you want your “theme” for this year to be, the easier it will be to think about your goals and measure your progress. Doing this one thing before the end of the year can be extremely liberating. I picked “virtual” knowing that I’d like to do a lot more online work this year and I immediately felt less stressed. I also started getting a ton of ideas on how I want to be more “virtual”. What’s your theme word for this year? Maybe sit down with a piece of paper and just start writing words until you find one that feels right to you. That may seem odd, but take 2 minutes and try it. You’ll be amazed at how well it works! A few ideas to get your started…kindness, abundance, love, partnership, health.

Happy Holidays and Ho, Ho, Ho to you and yours!

*this information does not take the place of medical treatment