Category Archives: Dealing with Trauma

Two Sides to Every Story

Something that came up for me during this season of change is the concept of phenomenology. It is defined as the science of phenomena as distinct from that of the nature of being. It’s the study of an individual’s lived experience.

The picture on the right shows us a young woman. Or does it? Look closer, and it’s both a young woman and an old woman. What did your experience of this image show you first?

I was playing with this concept the other night when I was reviewing a short story that I’ve been working on for years off and on. More off then on.

The experts say we should be able to write one sentence that tells the reader what a story is about. I thought I would give that a whirl, since I already had a sentence I liked. But, in re-reading it, it didn’t tell anyone what the story was about at all.

I originally wrote,

“A photograph sets in motion a hunt for a killer. Two FBI agents, combining white trash smarts and Native American tracking skills, make capturing a killer look like a walk in the park, a trailer park, that is.”

I re-wrote it like this:

“When a young boy finds his murdered mother in a freezer, who could predict he would suffer in silence and direct his rage toward his absent father and the women he loved?”

At first glance, you would never even think this was the same story. This happens all the time in real life.

For example, a client tells a story he/she thinks is the problem. When we look at the bigger picture and ask what is this really about, an entirely different story emerges. It’s not really the husband’s drinking or the wife’s spending that’s the issue. It’s the betrayal and hurt felt as a child by each of them that has triggered their behaviors.

This is so important for us to consider as we are thinking about what motivates or suppresses us and how we feel about others. It affords a look through different eyes with grace and understanding.

JOURNAL EXERCISE:

Turn this around a bit for yourself. Sit and journal about it. Ask yourself, “What is the whole story behind my motivation to do THIS thing or what is holding me back?” Write the answer down, but keep asking this question over and over until you get to the very root of the story. Come back to it another day and ask yourself the same question again. Don’t be surprised if you change your mind the second time or find something new to add.

I’d love to read what you come up with. Feel free to email me or drop me a comment on Facebook or LinkedIn and let me know.

The Experience of In Between

Nobody likes being left out, abandoned, different, and unwelcomed. Yet, it is a common experience when we are “in-between.” Not where we were and not where we are yet to be.

People feel in-between while they are waiting for a divorce, retiring from work, getting sicker, moving to new homes, or changing jobs. We like the familiar and will often stay with the familiar (spouse, job, church, neighborhood, country) until something motivates us to change. If you watch “Naked and Afraid,” you have seen them land on a beautiful beach, they choose to enter the treacherous jungle with no guarantee there will be food or they will survive. They have to transition themselves into a very humble way of being in order to just survive the challenge.

That’s what we do. It’s always been like that, right?

Perhaps you’ve sent in your DNA sample to find out your genetic heritage. We’re all so excited to see if what we thought is true and to see what we didn’t know about ourselves. I had been told we were “Scotch Irish’ and from England but I wasn’t expecting Finnish and Northern Russia! Probably a few brave or desperate souls traveled across Europe. I’d like to know their stories. Wouldn’t you like to know your ancestors’ stories? Our country is full of them. We all came from somewhere. They had to leave the familiar. They were not always welcomed. They were different from those who were already here. They lived in-between trying to find “there.”

It’s always been that way.

Our world population can be compared to a kaleidoscope that is constantly changing. A kaleidoscope can be beautiful and every change can be amazing or it can feel confusing and busy.

Wars, fires, famines, floods, hurricanes, and heat force people to move and change. Almost everyone has stories of people who moved into your neighborhood after these events, even if it was temporary. Katrina changed the landscape, for example. Help was available. Were the strangers welcomed? Not always.

It takes courage to wait and be patient or live through challenges and struggles to get to a better state of being.

It’s always been that way.

Now, we see people fleeing their familiar on our southern border. They must feel as though they’ve entered a jungle with no promise of anything. They are in-between.

Can we find compassion for someone different? Can we remember our own ancestors and the stories we learned about who we are, celebrating our DNA strands? Or will it take another hundred years to understand human tribal behavior?

Sometimes, there is hope on the other side of the “in between”. I’d like to see everyone come out of their in between in a better state of being. In our human history, that hasn’t always been the case. We can choose to make the other side of in between better.

Does it always have to be that way?

If you need help with your in between, you can schedule a consultation here. You may also contact me at 601-684-9657 or e-mail me at patriciabrawley@earthlink.net

Personal Safety – Why It’s Worth Thinking About

It’s not going to happen to me. Or so we think. When something happens…a person is assaulted, kidnapped, robbed…we always think we won’t be next.

We are SO busy. We don’t want to think about this.

It’s possible you won’t be next, and I hope you aren’t! BUT there is always a chance you could end up in the wrong place at the wrong time. Or your loved ones can be.

If that happens, there are some things you can do to protect yourself. Here are 6 tips:

1.) Carry a mini taser in your bag, briefcase, or purse. They have ones that are so small that they are lipstick sized. They come with cases and you can stowe them easily and they stay charged for a long period of time. You may never need it, but it’s good to have!

2.) When getting into your car, especially in an isolated area or at night, look in the back seat and under the car when walking up to it.

3.) If you stay late at the office, let security know you are there and let them know when you leave.

4.) If you have an office visitor late in the day, put sharp objects away, wallets, and anything confidential just in case.

5.) Get a doorbell camera or home safety system. Your local cable company should have an option for you. Ring is one option.

6.) Trust your intution! We so often don’t do that, and it’s usually right. If it turns out to be nothing, that’s okay, but check it out.

If you are the victim of an attack or assault and you need help, you can schedule a consultation here. You may also contact me at 601-684-9657 or e-mail me at patriciabrawley@earthlink.net

When Everything Is Not Smooth Sailing – Challenges of Adoption

As a licensed professional therapist, I incorporate adoption work into my general practice. Most of the time couples are excited to adopt a child even though it is mentally exhausting.

Sometimes adoptive parents are afraid to talk about the challenging side of adoption because they are so grateful to be parents that they don’t want to “complain” about the negative aspects of the process. I’m here to tell families that it’s totally okay to be exhausted, scared, unsure, etc. and still be GREAT parents.

There are factors that make parenting a bit more stressful than regular parent stressors, such as adopting an older child or a special needs child. Some children arrive with a history of abuse and showing symptoms of Post Traumatic Disorder.

Then, you have regular family stressors like making sure a child is comfortable, well-adjusted, healthy, and feeling loved.

There is the added twist of when to tell a child he/she is adopted and how to tell the adoption story. You have to be prepared for “You’re not my real Mom.” stuff similarly heard from blended family children. This tends to happen when the children get older.

Then, we have family and cultural dynamics.

You’ve seen TV shows around adult children wanting to find birth parents and vice versa. Whether or not adoptive parents want to see their children or vice versa, there are always a mix of complex feelings for everyone involved in that situation.

There is an increase in lesbian and gay couples adopting children. That comes with its own set of societal challenges.

We’ve seen shifts in the counties US parents are adopting from. For a while, the trend was Asian children, then Russian children, then South American and Chinese children. This sometimes has to do with regulations involving permission to adopt the child. This can be a very difficult process. Sometimes, the adoption process can take months (or even years) even though an adoptive couple knew they were going to adopt a child before it was born. There is a lot of red tape. In the meantime, a child can be kept in the horrid conditions of an orphanage in a dangerous part of a foreign country. This leaves a physical and mental impact on the children and adoptive parents that has to be dealt with once the process is complete.

We’ve learned that introducing the adopted child’s culture is important. The Little Couple (a TV show documentary series, which follows two little people who adopted two kids that were little people from different countries) educates us about how understanding and experience helps their children. Their little boy is from China and their little girl is from India. The visited China to introduce their won, Will, to their own culture and will soon schedule a trip to India to introduce their daughter to her culture.

We know more about Attachment Disorder in adoption population of all ages. They are probably going to have some issues with abandonment no matter how well-adjusted they are in their new family. There is a lot of stress for everyone. For people who work with agencies, there are home studies and inspections and endless evaluations. In private adoptions, the birth parents can change their mind or even take the child back. It’s a lot to prepare for and understand.

A counselor can help couples work on dealing with stress and keep their relationship healthy. In fact, I can’t imagine a family going through this process without counseling assistance at some point.

It is okay to admit that this process is daunting but it’s worth it because of the result. It’s okay for the family to need ongoing counseling and support for a healthy family and home. Please talk about your fears and challenges and get help when you feel overwhelmed. Or, if you know a family on this journey, please share this with them.

If you feel stuck and need a sounding board to help you plan,you can schedule a consultation here. You may also contact me at 601-684-9657 or e-mail me at patriciabrawley@earthlink.net

10 Ways to Treat PTSD

You’ve heard the term PTSD since Vietnam. That’s when the medical and psychological communities began learning about it and how to treat it. Yes, it is treatable!

Depending on the severity, you may be able to treat it on your own. If not, there is help out there for you. If you or someone you know is experiencing PTSD so severely that it has caused you to consider suicide, self-harm, or harming others, please seek help immediately from a professional. It’s difficult to impossible to handle this on your own.

There is no one way to treat anything. Everyone is different, so different tools will work for different people. Here are a few approaches that work for most people.

1. Narrative therapy
2. EMDR – Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing
3. Art therapy
4. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
5. Pet Bonding, such as dog or equine therapy
6. Journaling/writing/poems
7. Eco-Therapy (nature inspired)
8. Biofeedback
9.. Mindfulness Practice / Meditation Practice
10. Yoga/Exercise

A FREE ART THERAPY EXERCISE – COLOR YOUR WORLD

One (very easy) therapy is coloring. You can let go of all thoughts when you are coloring and just enjoy the simple act.

As an act of love and healing, I created a wonderful coloring book for you to download. Adults or children can use it. Just print the coloring book, grab your favorite crayons or markers, and color your world!

DOWNLOAD COLORING BOOK.

Ways to Heal the Childhood Hurt

This month’s feature article, “Did you have a bad childhood?” was all about adverse childhood effects and their long-term impact.

BUT there are LOTS of techniques that can be used as methods to heal the pain and hardship trauma creates by channeling your energy and thoughts into something that brings you peace and joy.

Some calming activities include breath work, neurofeedback, guided imagery, creative arts expression and narrative interventions that foster a sense of autonomy and self-control.

These are practices that can be implemented by your therapist. If you’re not familiar with these, Google them. They are powerful! If you are a therapist, you can use these techniques with your clients.

Other calming activities include tai chi, exercise, volunteering, yoga and other mindfulness-based activities, and progressive muscle relaxation. Talk therapy can challenge internalized oppression.

COLOR YOUR WORLD

One (very easy) therapy is coloring. You can let go of all thoughts when you are coloring and just enjoy the simple act.

DOWNLOAD YOUR COLORING BOOK.

Did you have a bad childhood?

Trauma comes in many forms, and we probably all have suffered through something in our own childhood that we are still dealing with now.

It’s bound to happen. We are born with our own personalities, strengths, and weaknesses and we grow up dealing with all of that plus the product of whatever our parents went through.

Some level of trauma is relatively normal. And then there’s excessive trauma that can lead to long-term adverse effects.

Many of our issues / traumas are the product of something that we went through or witnessed in our childhood. It’s important to know that and identify it because that’s where the healing begins!

So, I’m going to give you a super short lesson on that here, so you can start to identify it and heal traumas in your own life and those that are near and dear to you. Here goes.

What are Adverse Childhood Events defined medically?

Adverse Childhood Events are defined as traumatic or stressful events that children endure between birth and age 18. The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) lists the following specific traumatic events as ACEs.

Physical Abuse
Sexual Abuse
Emotional Abuse
Physical Neglect
Emotional Neglect
Intimate Partner Violence
Mother Treated Violently
Substance misuse Within Household
Household Mental Illness
Parental Separation or Divorce
Incarcerated Household Member
Parental Attachment Injury
Parental Institutionalization

Do any of these ring any bells for you?

Current studies suggest a strong correlation between high ACE scores and increased levels of life dysregulation (impairment to your body, psychological, or emotional processes), including the potential repetition of the initial ACEs themselves. You have most likely seen examples of this in your life. A friend had an abusive parent and then starting abusing their kids in adult life.

Children who suffer adverse childhood effects have a greater risk of disease, disabilities and early mortality. ACEs can interfere with development in ways that can be seen across the lifespan. Specifically, negative life outcomes are:

early initiation of alcohol and tobacco use that can be continued into adulthood
prescription drug use
lifetime illicit drug use
drug dependency
self-reported addiction
suicide attempts
lifetime depressive episodes
sleep disturbances in adults
high-risk sexual behavior
fetal mortality
negative pregnancy outcomes
mental health disorders, including mood, anxiety and behavior disorders.
a marked increase in the prevalence of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder

Adverse childhood experiences accounts for approximately 30% of the nation’s known mental health disorders. The Center for Disease Control lists ACEs as a significant public health concern and considers them to be a prime determinant of health.

According to research presented in 2017, individuals who have an ACE score of 4 or more are 1,500% more likely to commit suicide than are their counterparts. Individuals with ACE scores of 4 or more are 550 percent more likely to suffer from alcoholism, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD), liver disease and asthma. Individuals with an ACE score or 6 or higher can potentially see their life expectancy drop by as much as 20 years.

Basically, the worse the childhood trauma is, the more likely they are to suffer long-term consequences with lasting effects.

In addition, hormonal implications of stress and ACEs have the potential to permanently alter the stress response. This response is linked to many diseases, such as heart disease, diabetes, stroke, asthsma, various cancers, irritable bowel, viral illnesses, alzheimer’s dementia, vascular dementia, depression and other mental health disorders.

Because of the drastic impact adverse childhood trauma can have, we want our children to have as stable of a life as possible or get treated as early as possible if they need help.

The good news is it’s not all gloom and doom! With therapy and by practicing life skills that help with coping and healing, individuals can work through these effects and have a good life.

There is more about techniques in my blog post Ways to Heal the Childhood Hurt.

**Some of the information on long-term adverse childhood effects was adapted from Baldwin, D. (Feb. 20180. What new counselors need to know about adverse childhood experiences. Counseling Today.

Change ONE Habit and Achieve Your Goals

And here we are in June!

Last summer I sent you pictures of my wee raised bed garden with a few plants. I had a moderate level of success at best. That’s the photo here on the left.

You’ll laugh when I tell you that I changed just ONE thing and got unstuck!

I created one new habit. I water the garden daily. Doesn’t that sound like “duh”… but for some reason I had believed that once-in-a while watering was good enough. I learned the hard way it wasn’t, but it didn’t take a huge change to get better results. And, I like watering in late evenings.

Why am I telling you this? Because it is likely you are struggling with something, too. I want to encourage you. I want you to consider that struggle is a habit that can be changed. Watch out for habits of thinking, “I can’t. It’s hard. I don’t know how. I’m not good enough.”, etc. They will sabotage your success.

Look what’s happening now!

What I’ve learned is our current habits have helped us achieve our current level of success.

If we want to level up, as they say, we have to develop new habits that support that success.

I think you will agree, when you really wanted to do something in life, you found a way. If you didn’t, you found excuses.

When I decided to go back to college, I was divorced with three young children and no job. One child was a 9-month-old baby.

Some things fell into place. My mother helped out, and I always worked 3 jobs. I found a way. When I thought I would never want a Master’s degree, I changed my mind and I found a way.

Later, when I wanted a PhD, I got a lot of resistance from others. Why do you want to do that? It costs too much. On and on. Yes, it did cost a lot. More than I want to tell you! But, the feeling of achieving my goal, my personal sense of accomplishment is not measurable. I didn’t do it for anyone but myself, but now I get to share everything I learned as an offering, a gift to those who are on their journey, too.

What habit can you develop that can help move you forward?

If you need a boost, check out my Moving Past Stuck exercise.

Remember, all I am doing is watering my garden daily. What one thing can you do daily for your life? You can do this!

Are You in Love With Old Stories?

Emma was a successful business owner who always told herself, “I’m not good with money.” She used this story as an excuse to not pay attention to the numbers in her business. She was constantly behind on her taxes and she procrastinated getting an LLC set up, even though she knew it would protect her.

But one day, a friend and fellow business owner called out Emma on what she was saying. Her friend told her that this story was holding her back from the next level of success. It was Emma’s way of playing small and staying safe.

What’s Your Story?

Every day, people create narratives about their lives. These are the stories they tell themselves about who they are, where they came from, and what they want.

Maybe you believe you’re a messy person. Saying that you’re messy means you don’t have to be responsible for cleaning up. Or perhaps you say, “I just don’t like people. They drive me crazy. I’m a hermit, this is just how I am.”

What Are You Gaining from This Story?

You can’t shed an old story until you understand why you keep holding onto it. For example, if you tell yourself you’re a hermit, you don’t have to step out of your comfort zone and get to know people. This story feels like it’s keeping you safe because you don’t have to risk getting to know other people.

Maybe your story helps you avoid responsibility. If you insist that you’re too disorganized to run a business, then you don’t have to take responsibility for turning your hobby into the business you’ve always dreamed of.

What Would Happen If You Let This Story Go?

If you’ve identified a story in your own life that isn’t serving you, ask yourself what would happen if you let it go. If you decide that you’re no longer a hermit, how would your life change? Would you start reaching out to the people around you? Would you build a wide network of friends that are eager to support and love on you?

If you decide that you can become organized and run your own business, what would that look like for you? Would you be able to pay off your debts and help your spouse quit that job he hates? Would you be able to send your kids to that private school you’ve always hoped they could attend?

Why New Stories Energize You

Emma took her friend’s words to heart and she got started creating a new story. She hired a bookkeeper so she knows exactly how much she earns. She started paying her taxes on time so she’s not behind anymore. She even filed for that LLC license she needed. Now, Emma doesn’t feel stressed about numbers. This means she’s free to spend her time on creating more products for the community she loves serving.

Letting go of old stories sets you free. It gives you energy and makes you see the world in a new way. It also helps you create space for more of what you love and want in your life.

If you need help with healing something or finding balance in your life, get information or schedule your own Discovery Session with me HERE.

The difference between bad habits and unresolved emotions

We all have good habits and bad habits. No one is perfect and they make us who we are. Some of our bad habits are easier to change than others. We develop some of our bad habits because of other influences in our lives. They could be a result of who we spend our time with or as a result of our environment.

For example, if all of your co-workers go to McDonald’s for lunch every day and you never ate fast food, you may find yourself falling into the bad habit of going with them when you know that what you really need is a good salad. Or maybe you stay up late one night to watch television and you can’t fall asleep at your normal time for the next few nights because of it. That happened as a result of a repeated negative behavior. And sometimes habits like this are easy to break with small adjustments and a little will power.

But then, there are the bad habits that are really stubborn are the most deeply rooted. These habits are tied to our emotions and they are the hardest to break. In order to break these bad habits, you have to be aware of the emotions you are feeling when you carry out these behaviors. For example, you may have developed the habit of going to the cupboard and getting sweets when you were board as a child. The cookies and doughnuts were there for you when you needed to feel a little happy. And you parent may have always made sure there was a ready supply because they and you enjoyed them. They weren’t thinking about sabotaging your future weight loss goals. But, this habit you formed as a child associated with boredom was taught and your brain remembers it.

To combat these habits, you must become aware of them and give yourself a new way to cope with those feelings.

If you want to learn more about this, sign up here to immediately receive an mp3 of my 30-minute teleseminar with handout http://themuseskiss.com/loseweightforlifecall/. In it, I will give you a tool to help you control your emotional triggers.

The Muses Kiss

Therapeutic Writing to Peacefully Navigate Life's Changes