Category Archives: Mindfulness

How to Accept What Is

A bit of a somber note, but let’s talk freely, shall we? We are friends.

These are stressful, even traumatic times. If you still watch the news, I think you will agree. We all can feel the impact on our senses, moods and nervous system. Observing traumatic events can traumatize us. It is important to differentiate what we can control and what we cannot. That doesn’t mean we are powerless. We are resilient and there is still happiness and love in our lives.

Practicing mindfulness and compassion in our daily lives strengthens our resiliency. Practice is the key word here because we get better at anything we practice. The brain actually changes through mindfulness and compassion practice.

Let go of doing it perfectly. Give it a try and notice the outcome – the way you feel.

4 suggestions on how to do that…

1.) Practice meditation & name your feelings.

When emotions are suppressed or ignored, they turn into bigger problems that catch our attention, such as physical pain. There is a saying to remedy this tendency. It is “Name it to tame it.” Not so simple. We can’t always immediately identify our feelings. But, if we stop and just sit for a moment and “be”, it will come.

You’ll notice the feeling and a name(s) will come to mind. Ah! This is what it is like to feel, for example, powerless. Once you practice naming your feelings, the feelings become like smoke alarms notifying you that you should introduce something calming into your day. You begin to see clearly how emotions affect your life.

2.) Put out the welcome matt for your emotions.

Don’t worry. They won’t stay long. Watch them show up, stay about 30 to 90 seconds, then leave. The joke is we think they are going to stay all day long, so we don’t want to let them in!

In meditation practice, we learn to welcome all of our emotions with generosity and kindness. Imagine someone bring you a flower knocking on your front door. Welcome them, take the flower, say goodbye.

3.) You’re not the Judge.

We often pretend we are the judge of the world ourselves. Look, everyone makes mistakes. We all remember when we spilled the milk. A tirade of judgment doesn’t undo it. It shuts us down and makes it harder to ‘fess up. Yes, I spilled the milk.”

Taking responsibility is an act of courage but then give compassion to yourself, which breeds confidence and helps us learn how not to spill the milk next time. Likely, you would not judge your best friend as harshly for spilling milk as you do yourself. Why is that? Develop kindness and compassion for yourself.

We’re all in this together.

All around the world people are feeling scared and overwhelmed. It is our human condition and isolation makes it worse. Send compassion to both yourself and others who are suffering by using your prayers and mindfulness meditation practice.

I remember my meditation teacher, Jon Kabat-Zinn, telling the class, “You don’t have to like it but you do have to do it anyway.” ‘Nuff said.

Simmering in Distractions

“Shut up, shut up, I’m busy.” were the last words radioed by the captain of the Titanic before it hit the iceberg and sank. He was warned. The ship sank because of his distraction.

How many things do you miss because of distraction? Health changes? Relationship secrets? It’s easy to say, “I don’t have time for this.” and return to your cell phone, tablets, TV shows, and so on. No wonder it is hard for people to slow down and enjoy silence or the sounds of nature or looking at the starry skies.

Rumi, the great Persian poet of old, gave this advice in a poem: “Sit down and be quiet. You are drunk and this is the edge of the roof.” Do you feel the warning in his words? Is it necessary to do it all at once? Can you drive without texting? Can you enjoy conversation with friends without looking at your watch or getting anxious about your to-do plan for the day? Can you enjoy reading or allowing creativity to emerge in verse, art, words, landscaping, beauty?

Research proves multi-tasking is not as effective as mindful attention to one thing at a time. Technology has changed our lives for better and for worse.

Just wait until Artificial Intelligence moves into your home! I am not advocating against technology. I am suggesting we “simmer” with it and learn to keep the distractions to a minimum while we live an authentic, creative life.

Need a start? Try these antidotes:

1.) Notice the behavior (ie; urge to text at work/driving)
2.) Try something different (ie; hum/sing)
3.) Commit to practicing that new behavior until it becomes natural

There is no need to fall off the roof. Sit and simmer with your thoughts and relationships. Hopefully, you will not be too busy to miss the iceberg.

What’s Your Big Choice?

Your world is not perfect. It is filled with humans and humans have the potential to do wonderful and equally terrible things.

If you look at your own life, you will see both. Everyone has possibilities for good and episodes that show us how frail, shameful and quickly our “dark side” shows itself.
Seeing as this is the “human condition”, it is likely we come across other people and situations that annoy or frustrate us. The fast-food lines that are not fast anymore, for example. Taxes. Need I say more?

People we love can and probably will frustrate or annoy us at some point because that’s just life.

This is where the BIG Choice comes in. Do we 1.) refuse to accept things as they are (our perception) or 2.) choose to leave things as they are and not put anymore energy into them.

Not much of a choice? Well, if we can accept “things” that are not in our control to change, we can be at peace with them. Acceptance is a powerful trait and spiritual practice. But, it is not always the answer we want to choose, is it? So, the other choice – do you commit to changing it? If we can’t commit to changing it and we can’t accept it – what’s left?

It feels like an internal tug-of-war and it makes us feel stuck or like a victim, and at the very least we whine and feel upset.

I don’t like Climate Change effects. I want it to stop. I have accepted things don’t change because I want them to or in my selected time frame. Can I commit to changing something in the hope it will prevent things from getting worse? I think so. I need to know more.

I also have to accept that Climate Change is not on the top of the list for other people. I wouldn’t say it is on the top of my list, but it is important. I could choose to spend my time blaming people for their choices. Again, our human condition is to blame others.

What can I accept and what can I do to change it despite obstacles and problems that will arise? That’s the Big Choice question for all our concerns. Think of how many situations where this question is applicable. Careers, relationships, finances?

In therapy, a good question to ask is “What are you willing to give up or change?” This could refer to habits, relationships, addictions that bring us to the place where we have to make a choice or risk living on in suffering.

Try writing this question down in a notebook and answering it for yourself.

What I’ve learned is, even if things don’t change in the way I wish they would, the effort of working on change can give you meaning and hope. Acceptance might be hard but also liberating. Can you accept another person just as they are without a wish to change them? Would you want that same acceptance from another?

Change it or accept it. Both good choices and full of other possibilities.

For more personalized help developing a strategy that will help you find peace and joy and create a life by design, please consider coaching or therapy. This is the perfect time to get started. Every journey starts with a first step.

We can talk it over and decide the best way forward. Questions? Email me at patriciabrawley@earthlink.net.

The Trap of the Familiar

The trap of the familiar is our tendency to seek comfort in the known and familiar experiences we have had. It is human nature, so don’t berate yourself if you align yourself with others with whom you find familiarity and comfort.

This seemingly unconscious desire to align with what or who we already know, rather than that which feels uncertain and insecure, gives rise to an inability to see and experience the truth. We are locked into a narrower perspective and miss out on an array of possibilities in every area of life, including personal growth and expression of your creativity.

Opening ourselves up to feelings of discomfort is not easy at first, but it’s almost always worth it. We need to be ready and willing to enter into mental spaces where we are not necessarily at ease. We need to face our fear of letting go.

It would be too deterministic to believe there is some set of simple instructions or protocols that can lead us to a place of harmony. If you have a strategy or tactic or some kind of fix that you think will have a particular result, you’re coming from a place of knowing rather than not knowing. Coming from a place of not knowing is more likely to lead us to greater harmony and openness. So we begin with simply not knowing.

So, examine your ideas and beliefs and be ready to drop them. Everything we need is already in us or around us—we simply need to move past any fixed perspective.

Try this powerful exercise.

Just for the fun of it, take a sheet of paper and draw a box, divide into four quadrants. Write these questions in each of the quadrants.

Question 1: What do I hate doing?
Question 2: What is NOT my job?
Question3: What should I stop doing?
Question 4: What are my distractions?

Be honest. Next, analyze your list and identify the #1 action step you will make to get closer to your vision of your creative self. For that you will need to free up time. Once you have delegated, eliminated, or automated all the things that are killing your time and spirit, you’ll have freed up “hidden” hours each week and brought yourself closer to expressing yourself or trying the unfamiliar.

What do you want to have in your free box? Make a life list, a bucket list, vision board, etc. and write a couple in your free box with a date by when you’d like to do this. Put it on your calendar – just for fun – to get your brain wrapped around this and you will automatically start to come up with strategies. Like magic.

If you are still pretending you are “fine”, read this article about Smiling Depression. Smiling Depression is when we’re depressed but we smile and tell everyone we’re fine. See if this is you.
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/smiling-depression

What is Meditation and Why Should I do it?

Meditation is the practice of reaching a heightened level of awareness. It allows you to tune into your thoughts without being consumed by them. This makes it easier to focus on what truly matters and gives you space to quiet your mind.

You may think of meditation and believe it has a religious or spiritual meaning, but that’s not always true. Many people, including agnostics, find meditation to be beneficial and use it when they need serenity.

There are several different types of meditation but here are 3 of the most popular forms:

Guided Meditation
This is a form of meditation where a mentor or teacher encourages someone to visualize a certain outcome. For example, a basketball coach may have his players do a guided meditation where his players imagine winning the game.

Guided meditation can allow you to regain a sense of control in the face of setbacks. During an interview with Forbes, Michael Phelps shared that his goggles filled with water during the Olympic race. Other swimmers may have panicked.

But not Michael..He’d spent hours visualizing a successful outcome so he closed his eyes and started swimming. He completed the race, having won the gold medal and breaking the world record.

Mantra as Meditation
Some people find it helpful to spend their meditation sessions focusing on a mantra. The mantra can be any one that you choose. But it’s often helpful to create a mantra about an area of your life that you’re actively seeking to improve.

If you’re looking to lose weight, your mantra could be, “I choose to fill my body with nutritious foods.” If you’re looking to earn more money, your mantra could be, “I am worthy of wealth and spend my money wisely.”

During meditation, say the mantra to yourself out loud. If you find your mind drifting or you’re worrying about something, relax and keep repeating your mantra. It will get easier after a few sessions to stay on track.

Mindfulness as Meditation
Another form of meditation is mindfulness. It’s focused on staying in the moment without fear or judgement. Rather, you become an observer of your inner self.

As part of your mindfulness, you can sit or lie comfortably and listen to your thoughts. The key is not to react to what you’re thinking. For example, you think about cookies in the kitchen but then remember you’re supposed to be on a diet. You instantly feel guilt and shame.

In mindfulness, you could say, “I release this guilt and shame and open myself to joy and peace.” The more you practice mindfulness, the more you’ll become aware of how your thoughts are shaping your life.

There are many styles of meditation. Don’t feel bad if you try one method and don’t enjoy it. You may have to try a few different ones until you find the style that works best for you.

Ready to start meditating? Email me at patriciabrawley@earthlink.net with the word Meditation in the subject line to learn more about an upcoming course/class.

10 Tips to Help You Get a Good Night’s Sleep

Getting 7 to 8 hours of sleep a night seems basic, right? We already know we should do it, but this is one of those things that is simple but not easy. I have 10 easy tips to help you prepare yourself for a restful night.

1. Make a plan to stop caffeine intake after a certain time. It’s different for everyone. Some people have no caffeine after 7 p.m. Others choose an earlier time. Try experiments to really know what works for you based on how caffeine affects you. Don’t give up.

2. At the end of your work day, review your calendar for the next day. Identify two tasks you will do tomorrow.

3. Take your shower or bath before bed instead of the next morning.

4. If you have children, plan or pack their snacks and make arrangements for rides, appointments.

5. Even if you are working for home, choose what you will wear tomorrow. It makes decisions easier.

6. Do what you tell the kids to do. Put away your electronic devices an hour before bedtime. No cheating.

7. Tidy up your kitchen or work space.

8. Spray or diffuse lavender scent in your bedroom. Lavender is associated with calm feelings in our brain. We use it to help babies fall asleep, too.

9. Read for a few minutes. If you don’t like to read, color or draw. It’s a nice time to write in your journal. Write down the things you are grateful for or enjoyed that day.

10. Dim your lights before turning them off.

Bonus Tips

1 Prepare your breakfast items, measure out the coffee before bedtime.

2. End phone calls at least thirty minutes before bedtime. They are often whining or complaining calls. Instead watch something funny or mindless before bed. Laughter is good medicine.

3. Review what went right that day. Let everything else go.

Can you use some coaching help?

For more personalized help with focusing on selfcare, please consider coaching or therapy. This is the perfect time to get started. Every journey starts with a first step.

2 Ways to Identify Your True Interests

When you find your interest, you will sit like a cat watching a mouse hole.

Life has changed for most of us. We spend a lot of time wanting to get back to “normal” which is the past and will always be our past. It seems to be human nature to think about the past when we experience change. When we are sick, we want to be well. When we are not working, we want to work. When we are not in school, we want to go to school, etc.

I get it. In fact, I have studied it and understand the way it works. Can you see how it distracts us from being present in the moment?

People say they can’t think straight. I’m not sure what they mean but I think they are saying they don’t have a goal or focus of attention. They don’t have an identified interest which could anchor their thoughts. It feels like popcorn thinking. Pop! I need to get online. Pop! My hair needs cutting. Pop! I haven’t checked my email. Pop! Do I have enough money? Pop! Pop! Pop!

Stop the pop!

Read these suggestions slowly and out loud.

1. Identify your interests. If you can’t think of any, keep reading.

Interests. Not a fancy word but a powerful word. Interests are things that bring you pleasure, motivate you to think and take action. Interests tend to fall by the wayside when we spend our lives working and vegging out in front of a TV or phone. We say we don’t have time. But, we do. Take the time you have and focus on your interests.
If you say you don’t have any interests, think back to childhood. What did you like to play? What was your favorite toy? What is the grown-up version? If you watch TV, is there a favorite show that sparks your interests in some way? Although, we don’t want to rely on someone or something to dictate our interests, even if you have a million channels to choose from, you’re not interested in all of them. We choose a few.

In the same way, you don’t have to have a million interests. A few will do as long as it is YOUR interest and not your child’s interest or your friend’s interest. Your mind tunes in and will show you your interests.

Try this: Take a walk with a friend and see what you/friend notice. It won’t be the same. One will notice colored rocks and the other birds. Our brains are different. Sure, we can switch our focus but are we interested in doing that? I can help my friend look for colored rocks, but I am not interested enough to make it my hobby.

But, a seed could be planted so that in a year or two, I start noticing colored rocks and collecting them. Things and interests change. Some interests never change. They last a lifetime. My father was interested in airplanes. I have his grade school textbook. He drew airplanes all through the book. As a young man, he took flying lessons and loved it but his mother, after losing her other son, was so scared he would crash and die that he gave it up. He would go to airports and watch the planes land and take off. He watched war movies featuring planes. His interest in airplanes lasted all his life.

2. Imagine a teen-ager playing video games. Their focus is intense, like a cat looking at a mouse hole. You have this in you, too. Spend some time every day sitting like a cat looking at a mouse hole. That means focusing on your interest, expecting an outcome, not leaving or abandoning your interest.

Exercise:

Use this writing prompt to explore your interests.
I used to be interested in…..
Now, I am interested in…

Can you use some coaching help?

For more personalized help with focusing on selfcare, please consider coaching or therapy. This is the perfect time to get started. Every journey starts with a first step.

If You Can See It, You Can Be It

Vision boards are a fabulous way to focus on your good life and visualize what you want to achieve. It’s fun, too! Learn more about creating a vision board.

The vision board you see here to the right is one that someone on my team created.

But, if scanning through old magazines isn’t your idea of fun, you can still create a vision board – or maybe call it a vision diary or journal – without all the cutting and pasting.

You can have a digital vision board.

Achieve the same effect of a paper-and-paste vision board but use a Word document and free digital photos instead. If you want more design elements to your digital vision board, try Adobe Spark’s free collage maker.

You can also use a vision board design tool. This article has 7 different options that were specifically designed to create a vision board.

This is a fun alternative if you’re pressed for time during lunch or if you just don’t have a stash of magazines. Once your digital vision board is complete, make it your computer’s wallpaper so you will have a reminder every day of why you’re working so hard.

Blessing and Meditation Practice for You

Blessing someone and ourselves costs nothing and gives a great return. You will feel better, more open and compassionate.Give this gift to yourself or someone else who needs it.

Below are some phrases I put together for you.

Pick 3 to start and say them silently. Start with saying the phrase to yourself, such as, “May I be happy and peaceful.” Next think of someone you love and think “May ____ be happy and peaceful.” Next, think of someone you know casually, such as the cashier you see every week, and say to yourself, “May________ be happy and peaceful.” If you want to stretch yourself, choose someone you have a grudge toward or don’t like and ask that they be happy and peaceful, too.

Move on to your next phrase and repeat the exercise.

Start with 3 phrases, and either build to more or switch to another three phrases as you continue your practice.

May I be happy and peaceful.
May I be safe and protected.
May I be healthy and strong.
May I have ease of mind and heart.
May I be free from suffering.
May I be kind to myself.
May I trust my goodness.
May I love and accept myself just as I am.
May I live with ease and good health.
And be filled with loving-kindness.

The Importance of Being Happy First

We have a list of things in our head at all times about what will make us happy…. “If only this would happen…” or “when that happens…”, I’ll be happy. Do you really want to put happiness on hold until those things are satisfied?

In this article, I am going to use writing as an example, but you can fill in your own blank about what you want to happen. Writing more, writing better or–fill in-the blank — will NOT make you happy if you aren’t happy now.

That’s not to say that implementing something you love won’t help you walk down the road to happiness, but you can’t expect an immediate cure for unhappiness.

It pains me to write this. The reason is we keep changing our goal posts. We want more.

Check out this TED talk about the importance of being happy first . Shawn Achor has done lots of research on the topic and I find his evidence convincing. Writing more is not going to make you happier, but giving yourself time to do things for yourself and others (offering help to others, meditating, gardening, taking a long walk) will likely make you happier, therefore, a better writer.

It’s better to do something to work toward your goal a little bit every day than a whole lot of things on an inconsistent basis.

Michael Ferris Smith said his novels started with one sentence or one idea and he wrote every day letting his mind create the story. When someone asked when he thought of a character or scene, he said “When I thought of it.”

Whatever you are working towards (writing, exercise, cleaning out a dresser drawer), start with 5 minutes a day. This takes away your argument that you don’t have time. You may come up with other arguments but try it. It becomes a habit and you will feel successful (and could decide to do moreJ

In general, the best time to do your thing is first thing in the morning. I can hear you groaning. Your energy and focus may be in the evening. But there are legitimate reasons to try the morning time. Your creative brain is awake, you have more energy, you’re in a better mood, and you’ll feel good all day about fitting in your 5 minutes.

Depending upon your goal, give yourself permission to “just do it.” without being perfect. If you are writing a story, write a paragraph and allow it to simmer in your mind during the day. It is likely you may rewrite that paragraph every day during your 5 minutes. Give yourself time to rewrite without feeling guilty about rewriting. The best writers in the world are always the best re-writers. This applies to art, dancing, cooking, and such.

The bottom line is that when we are happy, we are better at whatever we do. What do you know would make you happy if you gave it a little time and energy each day?

The Muses Kiss

Therapeutic Writing to Peacefully Navigate Life's Changes