Author Archives: Patricia Brawley, PhD, LPC

Ways to Keep the Family Having Fun on Thanksgiving

The holidays can be a magical time filled with laughter and love. Thanksgiving is a time for us to reflect on who and what we are grateful for and enjoy our blessings and goodies.

That’s all good, but what does your family or friend group do after or before dinner? Sometimes, dinner isn’t ready yet and people are doing all they can to stave off their hunger and lurking grumpiness. Sometimes, Thanksgiving ends up to be a group of folks who don’t know each other that well. Sometimes, after dinner people are ready to fall asleep at the dinner table.

And sometimes, you simply may not want your family members to avoid serious conversations for reasons you’ll understand if you are feeling this way.

No worries. Whether you are hosting Thanksgiving or attending someone else’s shindig as a guest, you can bring the party with you and help everyone stay light and have fun.

Here are a few ideas of things you can incorporate into your holiday.

1.) Thanksgiving Bingo – This is so much fun, and you can have up to 24 players. You can throw some quarters into a pot and play for that or you can get little goodies from the dollar store or make them and use them as prizes. A small candle or little dish towel make great prizes. Or just play for fun and maybe the winner gets out of all ktichen cleanup…something like that. If you have a little time on your hands and want to print free ones you can download and print free bingo cards here.

2.) Thanksgiving Scratch-Off Tickets – If you are hosting, this is great fun. You can purchase scratch-off tickets, and there is only one winner. The winning ticket has a sticker on it when you open the package, so you’ll know which one it is. You can pass these out and issue a goody or prize to the winner. You don’t necessarily have to buy anything. The prize could be double desert, the best seat in the house, or other fun little reward. You could even design a “turkey hunt” and hide all the scratch-offs and ask people to find them throughout the day. As they find them, they get to keep them and scratch them off to see who the winner is.

3.) Vertellis - Vertellis is a game that asks you positive questions like, “What are the 3 things that give you the most energy?”. This game gets people talking and thinking about what they are most grateful for.

4.) Abundance Ball – Some families do this at Christmas time, but it can be really fun at Thanksgiving too! You can use tiny items like candies, lottery tickets, gift cards for coffee, pretty note cards, key chains, etc. Basically everyone shares in the abundance of the ball by getting into a circle and unwrapping the saran ball until the person next to them rolls doubles and then they have to pass the ball. Everyone keeps unwrapping and pulling out items until the ball is totally unraveled. This gets everyone a little bit excited and will keep people on their toes and moving after a big feast.

I’d love to hear from you if you do any of these with your family on how it went!

If you would like more help figuring out ways to help create a life by design, click here to take advantage of my free 30 minute phone consultation.

How to Make Time for What’s Important to You

Whether you are the boss, the parent, the person starting a new business or relationship, it’s never too late to plan how you want things to work out. We lead busy lives. There’s always more to do, so it is easy to get bogged down in day-to-day living and forget to learn, create and plan a vision for your business and life. And yet, others such as your employees, co-workers, family members depend on your ability to set the plan and lead the way.

It is reported that Bill Gates takes a week off every three months for thinking. He goes to a retreat alone to review and renew. Benjamin Franklin wrote that he liked his trips across the Atlantic because he gained perspective. C. S. Lewis would often take long walks in order to have time to think. Many people say that the one hour a day is their most productive hour of the day – when they are thinking, planning, dreaming. It’s no coincidence that these people were innovators and had a life by design.

A life by design is one your choose rather than going with the flow and doing what’s chosen for you.

You can set aside an hour a day, go on a retreat, get a perspective while on vacation or a weekend at home. Divide your planning and visioning time into two components: your business life and your personal growth. Both are essential.

Design the growth you want to see. Choose the way and develop a strategy for your future. Don’t overlook your personal development plan. A plan is important if you want to be equipped to be the person you will need to be in your future life.

Here are 3 places where you can choose to make a little time to work on your goals.

1.) In the morning. Wake up earlier or replace something in your morning routine for a while. Give yourself an extra 20 or 30 minutes or whatever you can spare to work on something a little every day.

2.) On your commute. When you are on public transportation or someone else is driving, utilize that time. If you find background noise distracting, bring headphones and play relaxing music.

3.) At night. Go to bed 20 minutes later or replace something in your night time routine.

If you need work on your time management, you may want to check out this book, Time Warrior by Steve Chandler.

If you would like help figuring out ways to help create a life by design, click here to take advantage of my free 30 minute phone consultation.

Break Your Goals Into Steps

Once you’ve set your mind on a goal and cleared away distractions, you’re ready to get started working. But first, you need to do some planning. When you plan in advance and use that plan, you’re more likely to succeed with your goals.

You can make a list of things to do to reach your goal. But it’s usually easier to start by evaluating what you need to make your goal a reality.

Here are a few things you may need to get going.

Tools or Supplies

What tools or supplies will you need in order to meet your goal? If you’re starting a blog, you’ll need a website and hosting. If you’re aiming to lose weight, you’ll need a food scale and measuring cups. If you’re starting a jewelry business, then you’ll need modeling clay to make charms and necklace thread.

You also need to consider supplies you may have forgotten about. If you’re starting a business, you may need child care. If you’re changing your diet, you may need new recipe books to help you prepare healthier meals.

Specialized Help

Sometimes, you can’t achieve your goals by yourself. That’s where specialized help comes in. Specialized help can take many forms. It might be hiring a personal trainer so you can get the toned body you want. It might be hiring a business coach to help you book enough clients to pay your bills.

Specialized help can sometimes be expensive. But if your goal is important to you, don’t be afraid to invest in it. Some coaches and trainers may be willing to work with you to develop a payment plan so be sure to ask if this is an option.

Support from Friends and Family

You can’t succeed in a bubble. In order to reach your goals, you’ll need the support of your family and friends. If your family and friends can’t be supportive, you should look for the support elsewhere.

Joining a support group or finding an online community can be helpful in these situations. Look for groups and communities that leave you feeling upbeat and are filled with people that want to achieve similar goals.

Return the Support

It’s easy to get so wrapped up in your new goal that you forget to invest in others. If you’re part of a group or community, make sure that you offer help to other members. Be willing to take time from your day to support someone else.

Now that you do know what you need in order to succeed, it’s time to go after your goal. It’s scary to take that first step, but you have to be willing to do it. Once you’ve taken that first step, you’ll experience a rush of confidence and increased motivation.

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE GOAL SETTING WORKBOOK

If you would like to work on breaking your negative thinking pattern, click here to take advantage of my free 30 minute phone consultation.

Decreasing the Landmines of Negativity

Why is it we remember, replay, and make up new stories about events in our lives when we felt terrible? Ask someone to tell you about a time they got their feelings hurt and they will readily come up with an event. Ask someone when the last time they felt free, successful, happy and they hesitate and qualify that moment with “Why? It was no big deal.” But, anger, shame, and feeling demeaned…now that was a big Deal. It’s like stepping on a land mine. You never forget it and could be permanently scarred by it.

There is nothing wrong with us. It’s not because we’re holding on to the past (well, maybe we are). It’s because we feel negative emotions more intensely than positive emotions. Evolution gives us the skills to look for danger and the sense to avoid them (we still have free will). Our ancestors learned which berries to eat and which ones would make them sick. One experience of eating the wrong berries gives us a lesson we don’t forget. However, some of our ancestors learned how to scare their children about eating all berries or else they would die or face shameful punishment.

If you eat poisonous berries once, you can recover. But if we step on a land mine of negative situations every day… abusive language for example, we are not easily able to recover from them. And, it sets up a negative thinking pattern that makes us think, “Every day is awful. Those people are scary.” and permeates the day every day. You need a break. You need a change.

If you would like to work on breaking your negative thinking pattern, click here to take advantage of my free 30 minute phone consultation.

Everything You Want is on the Other Side of Fear

I am going to share an article with you that is reprinted with permission from Harper Collins Publishers. New York. It’s an excerpt from The Feeling Good Handbook by Burns D. (1989).

“Everything you want is on the other side of fear!” so see if you can practice “Doing it afraid”.

Patterns of Cognitive Distortions:

These are 10 common cognitive distortions that can contribute to negative emotions.
They also fuel catastrophic thinking patterns that are particularly disabling. Read these
and see if you can identify ones that are familiar to you.

1. All-or-Nothing Thinking: You see things in black-or-white categories. If a situation
falls short of perfect, you see it as a total failure. When a young woman on a diet ate a
spoonful of ice cream, she told herself, “I’ve blown my diet completely.” This thought
upset her so much that she gobbled down an entire quart of ice cream!

2. Over generalization: You see a single negative event, such as a romantic rejection or
a career reversal, as a never-ending pattern of defeat by using words such as “always” or
“never” when you think about it. A depressed salesman became terribly upset when he
noticed bird dung on the windshield of his car. He told himself, “Just my luck! Birds are
always crapping on my car!”

3. Mental Filter: You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively, so that
your vision of all reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolors a beaker of
water. Example: You receive many positive comments about your presentation to a
group of associates at work, but one of them says something mildly critical. You obsess
about his reaction for days and ignore all the positive feedback.

4. Discounting the Positive: You reject positive experiences by insisting they “don’t
count.” If you do a good job, you may tell yourself that it wasn’t good enough or that
anyone could have done as well. Discounting the positive takes the joy out of life and
makes you feel inadequate and unrewarded.

5. Jumping to Conclusions: You interpret things negatively when there are no facts to
support your conclusion.

Mind Reading: Without checking it out, you arbitrarily conclude that someone
is reacting negatively to you.

Fortune-telling: You predict that things will turn out badly. Before a test you
may tell yourself, “I’m really going to blow it. What if I flunk?” If you’re
depressed you may tell yourself, “I’ll never get better.”

6. Magnification: You exaggerate the importance of your problems and shortcomings, or
you minimize the importance of your desirable qualities. This is also called the “binocular
trick.”

7. Emotional Reasoning: You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect
the way things really are: “I feel terrified about going on airplanes. It must be very
dangerous to fly.” Or “I feel guilty. I must be a rotten person.” Or “I feel angry. This proves
I’m being treated unfairly.” Or “I feel so inferior. This means I’m a second-rate person.” Or
“I feel hopeless. I must really be hopeless.

8. “Should statements”: You tell yourself that things should be the way you hoped or
expected them to be. After playing a difficult piece on the piano, a gifted pianist told
herself, “I shouldn’t have made so many mistakes.” This made her feel so disgusted that
she quit practicing for several days. “Musts,” “oughts” and “have tos” are similar
offenders.

“Should statements” that are directed against yourself lead to guilt and frustration. Should
statements that are directed against other people or the world in general lead to anger
and frustration: “He shouldn’t be so stubborn and argumentative.”

Many people try to motivate themselves with should and shouldn’ts, as if they were
delinquents who had to be punished before they could be expected to do anything. “I
shouldn’t eat that doughnut.” This usually doesn’t work because all these should and
musts make you feel rebellious and you get the urge to do just the opposite. Dr. Albert
Ellis has called this “musterbation.” I call it the “shouldy” approach to life.

9. Labeling: Labeling is an extreme form of all-or-nothing thinking. Instead of saying “I
made a mistake,” you attach a negative label to yourself: “I’m a loser.” You might also
label yourself “a fool” or “a failure” or “a jerk.” Labeling is quite irrational because you are
not the same as what you do. Human beings exist, but “fools,” “losers,” and “jerks” do not.
These labels are just useless abstractions that lead to anger, anxiety, frustration, and low
self-esteem.

You may also label others. When someone does something that rubs you the wrong way,
you may tell yourself: “He’s an S.O.B.” Then you feel that the problem is with that
person’s “character” or “essence” instead of with their thinking or behavior. You see them
as totally bad. This makes you feel hostile and hopeless about improving things and
leaves little room for constructive communication.

10. Personalization and blame: Personalization occurs when you hold yourself
personally responsible for an event that isn’t entirely under your control. When a woman
received a note that her child was having difficulties at school, she told herself, “This
shows what a bad mother I am,” instead of trying to pinpoint the cause of the problem so
that she could be helpful to her child. When another woman’s husband beat her, she told
herself, “If only I were better in bed, he wouldn’t beat me.” Personalization leads to guilt,
shame, and feelings of inadequacy.

Some people do the opposite. They blame other people or their circumstances for their
problems, and they overlook ways that they might be contributing to the problem: “The
reason my marriage is so lousy is because my spouse is totally unreasonable.” Blame
usually doesn’t work very well because other people will resent being scapegoated and
they will just toss the blame right back in your lap. It’s like the game of hot potato – no one
wants to get stuck with it.

Reframing Tips:

Explore what’s stressing you: View your situation with positive eyes.

Find what you can change: If you could, what parts of your situation would you
most like to change? With positive reframing, you may see possibilities you
weren’t aware of before.

Identify benefits: Find the benefits in the situation you face.

Discover the humor: Find the aspects of your situation that are so absurd that you
can’t help but laugh.

(The Resilience Alliance, 2011)

BARIATRIC SURGERY – THE UGLY SIDE THAT NO ONE TALKS ABOUT

I am noticing more and more that weight loss surgery as a solution for obesity is all the rage. It used to be that only people severely obese (on the verge of death due to major health complications and no ability to exercise anymore) would have Bariatric surgery performed to save their life. Its original purpose was to help save lives of those who were struggling severely and had no other options.

Today, there are young people and relatively healthy people having this operation and they sometimes weigh in at 250 or less pounds.

While these operations can be a really good option for folks who really need it, they should not be used as an easy way out of weight loss for healthy people who still have the ability to exercise and diet and lose weight using other tools.

What people do not realize is that there may be major psychological, social, and spiritual affects (depending on your own belief systems).

In the United States, we’ve developed a system of psychological evaluation to address the reasons why someone is having the surgery and test their mental competence, but it can be difficult to impossible to predict what will happen to a person following the operation. The body is not the same as it was before. Drastic physical and emotional changes occur within the body following Bariatric surgery.

Patients have to be extremely disciplined and militant in their self-care following these operations to just live a relatively normal life. The reason is there are going to be vitamin deficiencies and limitations in the body that were not previously there. That means they have to have regular vitamin injections and eat several times a day with extremely small portions among other things like further psychological evaluation and support after the operation. They may be told that they cannot exert themselves like they used to because they could deplete the small amount of water or vitamins they ingest in the small portions they are now forced to live with.

Most patients who decide to go through with the operation may say they are committed to all of this, but are they?

Let’s think realistically. We have busy lives and live in a society that is constantly busy and offers limited time for breaks at work or even at home. This makes it very challenging to stay on top of special diets and other practices that are suddenly part of life post op. And, if someone didn’t do a good job of disciplined dieting and exercise before the operation, it’s not likely they will follow a stringent plan after surgery either, and not doing so could cause major damage to the body and even become fatal.

People who choose to do these operations are choosing to give themselves a health condition with life-long consequences, and they need to be aware of that.

There are hormonal changes related to vitamin deficiencies that could even push people into old age.

There can be profound psychological impacts, some of which are still unknown.

What does the mother with 3 kids do when she has run out of energy and can’t keep up with her kids because she can’t consume enough nutrients?

Further, some people are traveling to other countries to have these operations performed for less money, but the healthcare is not as good and the pre and post op activities are not nearly as stringent as they are in the U.S. They cannot be held liable if they cut too much away or do something that causes a major internal infection in the stomach.

Let’s also take a step back and think about what happens physically, emotionally, and spiritually as well.

To put this into perspective, we have a second brain in our gut. Our gut brain is directly connected to our real brain via the Vagus nerve that runs through the body. When we are excited, scared, angry, nervous, in love, or making major decisions, we always feel it in our gut, right? When our bodies go into fight or flight mode to protect us, we release adrenaline that is felt in the gut. So, what happens when we cut away 80% of our guts, which is the system our body was designed with to process nutrition AND emotion?

Patients simply may not have the capacity to have the stamina or health level they were able to achieve prior to the bypass.

It’s no surprise that losing tons of weight in a rapid amount of time would have a psychological impact on patients. However, it isn’t known how deep that rabbit hole can go. We do not have all the stats we need yet, and there are variables involved as well, so information is not being publicized enough. Medical information around these procedures is in its infancy.

That said, it has been known for years that stomach surgery for obesity frequently has long-term neuropsychiatric effects including Wernicke’s and other encephalopathies (Neurology 1987;37 196-200), depression and substitute addiction.

In the relatively small number of cases I’ve observed, there were instances of stomach infections and other stomach and digestion-related health issues on top of deficiencies. This even resulted in death for some.

The body simply cannot operate the way it did before in many cases. This makes logical sense, as the amount of water that can be ingested by a human who hasn’t had this operation is drastically reduced after because of the size of the stomach. So, people have to choose to eat or drink and have expressed that they are either hungry or thirsty most of the time. This means nutrients is not handled the same way it used to be and that can cause the immune system to have to work harder as well.

Please understand that I am not judging. If you’ve had this operation or your loved one has, please don’t be angry with me. This operation has saved lives of people who would have died from high cholesterol, high blood pressure, and a number of other heart and health complications. I get that.

All I am saying is people need to consider choosing surgery ONLY when they absolutely need to have it and not as a means to lose weight faster or look more beautiful or handsome. Doing that is like burning the whole house down because it’s a mess. There are many options out there for weight loss, which include dealing with the emotional component of eating as well.

I have a short course about dealing with emotional eating, which you can find HERE.

There is still MUCH more work to be done in researching and documenting long-term effects of weight loss surgery. Below are some links to articles on the subject.

(Current Opinion in Psychiatry: September 2014 – Volume 27 – Issue 5 – p 374–379),
(https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-truth-about-exercise-addiction/201611/the-mental-health-struggles-weight-loss-surgery)

self-harm (https://www.medscape.org/viewarticle/894158, https://www.health.harvard.edu/newsletter_article/Psychological_aspects_of_bariatric_surgery), new-onset mania (Psychiatry Investig. 2015 Jan; 12(1): 152–154.),

and vitamin B1 and B12 deficiencies
(https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamaneurology/fullarticle/786290).

**This article should not be used to treat or diagnose any condition related to bariatric surgery. This is written from one perspective based on observation and personal opinion as well as some research. You should seek medical advice from your doctor if you are considering this type of operation.

The Importance of Being Happy First

We have a list of things in our head at all times about what will make us happy…. “If only this would happen…” or “when that happens…”, I’ll be happy. Do you really want to put happiness on hold until those things are satisfied?

In this article, I am going to use writing as an example, but you can fill in your own blank about what you want to happen. Writing more, writing better or–fill in-the blank — will NOT make you happy if you aren’t happy now.

That’s not to say that implementing something you love won’t help you walk down the road to happiness, but you can’t expect an immediate cure for unhappiness.

It pains me to write this. The reason is we keep changing our goal posts. We want more.

Check out this TED talk about the importance of being happy first . Shawn Achor has done lots of research on the topic and I find his evidence convincing. Writing more is not going to make you happier, but giving yourself time to do things for yourself and others (offering help to others, meditating, gardening, taking a long walk) will likely make you happier, therefore, a better writer.

It’s better to do something to work toward your goal a little bit every day than a whole lot of things on an inconsistent basis.

Michael Ferris Smith said his novels started with one sentence or one idea and he wrote every day letting his mind create the story. When someone asked when he thought of a character or scene, he said “When I thought of it.”

Whatever you are working towards (writing, exercise, cleaning out a dresser drawer), start with 5 minutes a day. This takes away your argument that you don’t have time. You may come up with other arguments but try it. It becomes a habit and you will feel successful (and could decide to do moreJ

In general, the best time to do your thing is first thing in the morning. I can hear you groaning. Your energy and focus may be in the evening. But there are legitimate reasons to try the morning time. Your creative brain is awake, you have more energy, you’re in a better mood, and you’ll feel good all day about fitting in your 5 minutes.

Depending upon your goal, give yourself permission to “just do it.” without being perfect. If you are writing a story, write a paragraph and allow it to simmer in your mind during the day. It is likely you may rewrite that paragraph every day during your 5 minutes. Give yourself time to rewrite without feeling guilty about rewriting. The best writers in the world are always the best re-writers. This applies to art, dancing, cooking, and such.

The bottom line is that when we are happy, we are better at whatever we do. What do you know would make you happy if you gave it a little time and energy each day?

The Experience of In Between

Nobody likes being left out, abandoned, different, and unwelcomed. Yet, it is a common experience when we are “in-between.” Not where we were and not where we are yet to be.

People feel in-between while they are waiting for a divorce, retiring from work, getting sicker, moving to new homes, or changing jobs. We like the familiar and will often stay with the familiar (spouse, job, church, neighborhood, country) until something motivates us to change. If you watch “Naked and Afraid,” you have seen them land on a beautiful beach, they choose to enter the treacherous jungle with no guarantee there will be food or they will survive. They have to transition themselves into a very humble way of being in order to just survive the challenge.

That’s what we do. It’s always been like that, right?

Perhaps you’ve sent in your DNA sample to find out your genetic heritage. We’re all so excited to see if what we thought is true and to see what we didn’t know about ourselves. I had been told we were “Scotch Irish’ and from England but I wasn’t expecting Finnish and Northern Russia! Probably a few brave or desperate souls traveled across Europe. I’d like to know their stories. Wouldn’t you like to know your ancestors’ stories? Our country is full of them. We all came from somewhere. They had to leave the familiar. They were not always welcomed. They were different from those who were already here. They lived in-between trying to find “there.”

It’s always been that way.

Our world population can be compared to a kaleidoscope that is constantly changing. A kaleidoscope can be beautiful and every change can be amazing or it can feel confusing and busy.

Wars, fires, famines, floods, hurricanes, and heat force people to move and change. Almost everyone has stories of people who moved into your neighborhood after these events, even if it was temporary. Katrina changed the landscape, for example. Help was available. Were the strangers welcomed? Not always.

It takes courage to wait and be patient or live through challenges and struggles to get to a better state of being.

It’s always been that way.

Now, we see people fleeing their familiar on our southern border. They must feel as though they’ve entered a jungle with no promise of anything. They are in-between.

Can we find compassion for someone different? Can we remember our own ancestors and the stories we learned about who we are, celebrating our DNA strands? Or will it take another hundred years to understand human tribal behavior?

Sometimes, there is hope on the other side of the “in between”. I’d like to see everyone come out of their in between in a better state of being. In our human history, that hasn’t always been the case. We can choose to make the other side of in between better.

Does it always have to be that way?

If you need help with your in between, you can schedule a consultation here. You may also contact me at 601-684-9657 or e-mail me at patriciabrawley@earthlink.net

Personal Safety – Why It’s Worth Thinking About

It’s not going to happen to me. Or so we think. When something happens…a person is assaulted, kidnapped, robbed…we always think we won’t be next.

We are SO busy. We don’t want to think about this.

It’s possible you won’t be next, and I hope you aren’t! BUT there is always a chance you could end up in the wrong place at the wrong time. Or your loved ones can be.

If that happens, there are some things you can do to protect yourself. Here are 6 tips:

1.) Carry a mini taser in your bag, briefcase, or purse. They have ones that are so small that they are lipstick sized. They come with cases and you can stowe them easily and they stay charged for a long period of time. You may never need it, but it’s good to have!

2.) When getting into your car, especially in an isolated area or at night, look in the back seat and under the car when walking up to it.

3.) If you stay late at the office, let security know you are there and let them know when you leave.

4.) If you have an office visitor late in the day, put sharp objects away, wallets, and anything confidential just in case.

5.) Get a doorbell camera or home safety system. Your local cable company should have an option for you. Ring is one option.

6.) Trust your intution! We so often don’t do that, and it’s usually right. If it turns out to be nothing, that’s okay, but check it out.

If you are the victim of an attack or assault and you need help, you can schedule a consultation here. You may also contact me at 601-684-9657 or e-mail me at patriciabrawley@earthlink.net

When Everything Is Not Smooth Sailing – Challenges of Adoption

As a licensed professional therapist, I incorporate adoption work into my general practice. Most of the time couples are excited to adopt a child even though it is mentally exhausting.

Sometimes adoptive parents are afraid to talk about the challenging side of adoption because they are so grateful to be parents that they don’t want to “complain” about the negative aspects of the process. I’m here to tell families that it’s totally okay to be exhausted, scared, unsure, etc. and still be GREAT parents.

There are factors that make parenting a bit more stressful than regular parent stressors, such as adopting an older child or a special needs child. Some children arrive with a history of abuse and showing symptoms of Post Traumatic Disorder.

Then, you have regular family stressors like making sure a child is comfortable, well-adjusted, healthy, and feeling loved.

There is the added twist of when to tell a child he/she is adopted and how to tell the adoption story. You have to be prepared for “You’re not my real Mom.” stuff similarly heard from blended family children. This tends to happen when the children get older.

Then, we have family and cultural dynamics.

You’ve seen TV shows around adult children wanting to find birth parents and vice versa. Whether or not adoptive parents want to see their children or vice versa, there are always a mix of complex feelings for everyone involved in that situation.

There is an increase in lesbian and gay couples adopting children. That comes with its own set of societal challenges.

We’ve seen shifts in the counties US parents are adopting from. For a while, the trend was Asian children, then Russian children, then South American and Chinese children. This sometimes has to do with regulations involving permission to adopt the child. This can be a very difficult process. Sometimes, the adoption process can take months (or even years) even though an adoptive couple knew they were going to adopt a child before it was born. There is a lot of red tape. In the meantime, a child can be kept in the horrid conditions of an orphanage in a dangerous part of a foreign country. This leaves a physical and mental impact on the children and adoptive parents that has to be dealt with once the process is complete.

We’ve learned that introducing the adopted child’s culture is important. The Little Couple (a TV show documentary series, which follows two little people who adopted two kids that were little people from different countries) educates us about how understanding and experience helps their children. Their little boy is from China and their little girl is from India. The visited China to introduce their won, Will, to their own culture and will soon schedule a trip to India to introduce their daughter to her culture.

We know more about Attachment Disorder in adoption population of all ages. They are probably going to have some issues with abandonment no matter how well-adjusted they are in their new family. There is a lot of stress for everyone. For people who work with agencies, there are home studies and inspections and endless evaluations. In private adoptions, the birth parents can change their mind or even take the child back. It’s a lot to prepare for and understand.

A counselor can help couples work on dealing with stress and keep their relationship healthy. In fact, I can’t imagine a family going through this process without counseling assistance at some point.

It is okay to admit that this process is daunting but it’s worth it because of the result. It’s okay for the family to need ongoing counseling and support for a healthy family and home. Please talk about your fears and challenges and get help when you feel overwhelmed. Or, if you know a family on this journey, please share this with them.

If you feel stuck and need a sounding board to help you plan,you can schedule a consultation here. You may also contact me at 601-684-9657 or e-mail me at patriciabrawley@earthlink.net

The Muses Kiss

Therapeutic Writing to Peacefully Navigate Life's Changes