Author Archives: Patricia Brawley, PhD, LPC

5 Ways Get More Love in Your Life

downloadMost people like to have good feelings about their relationship.  Then, one day, they would like to have more.

More of something…like more attention, more money, more sex, more good home cooking and a clean house, vacations, gifts. I could keep going but you know what I mean.

In order to start having more love in your life, you’ll want to look at these 5 relationship mistakes.

1.) Stop looking at your past relationships unless you’ve previously achieved the ideal relationship.

Your past has no bearing on what you can create today.

If you’ve had good relationships in the past, then look at what was different for you in that relationship. Did you focus on the other person’s needs and wants? Did you feel loved? How did you treat your honey? How did you feel about him/her? In other words, what were you doing different than you are now or could be doing now.

2.) Don’t beat yourself up about the current state of your relationship.

It doesn’t make sense to beat yourself up, feel guilty, or less than. You can’t get on with improving your relationships if you dwell on the negative. Get your mind into the creative space of creating what you want, not settling for what is.

3.) Take your attention off keeping score.

While it may seem that you do all the work keeping your relationship alive and you don’t think the other person is pulling his/her own weight, it’s more important to see each other as people doing the best they can. Make a decision to eliminate this habit and give all your energy to attracting what you want in the relationship. Hint: the blame game does not endear you to anyone.

4.) Let go of wishing for the miracle solution.

Do you notice that the harder you try to hunt down the miracle solution to your problems, you feel even more powerless? Trust that your solution will come once you’ve decided ———————- fill in the blank. .

Remember the times when you hit an all-time low point (in relationships, income, etc.) and you had no clue how you would dig yourself out of the “mess” you’d created. Kinda zaps the creative spirit, doesn’t it?  But once you decided to take the situation back into your control, little by little, solutions revealed themselves.The baby steps you can take now will create an avalanche of good relationships. Some solutions will show up in ways you don’t plan, such as taking care of yourself.

5.) Never sell your soul to have love.

Don’t try to “fix” yourself just to align with someone else. It feels like taking on an extra      job and forcing yourself to go to work. Don’t lower your values out of desperation. These         actions will not get you further ahead in the love game because the energy behind them    is desperation.  Yes, you may need to take some actions to improve yourself such as working on your communication skills, but make sure your heart feels it’s the right decision and you are doing it for you and your partner because you want to, not because you feel you have to.

If you like this article, you may want to sign up to get my free e-course on Simple Acts of Love to Overcome Loneliness.  Whether you are totally content in your life or you feel lonely and out of touch, incorporating this into your life will totally change your outlook and make you happier than you’ve ever imagined.

Sign up and get it immediately to find out why HERE.

When You Meet Your Goal

You’ve worked hard and accomplished your goal. Now, you deserve to kick back and celebrate your success. There are many ways that you can choose to celebrate.

You could buy yourself something new, which is a great way to celebrate reaching an ideal weight. You could take a day off and spend the time with your family, which is a great way to celebrate leaving your day job. You could get a relaxing massage or visit a local spa, which is a great way to celebrate the success of a difficult goal.

Create a Keepsake

You can also mark the completion of a goal with a keepsake. You could add a charm to a necklace or bracelet. You can buy an art print to hang on your wall. Some people even choose to celebrate by getting a tattoo.

The important thing is to not let your success pass you by uncelebrated. You worked hard and you deserve recognition for your hard work and personal growth.

Review Your Success

No matter how you choose to celebrate, you should also take time to review your journey. Recording your thoughts and feelings in a journal is a great way to do this.

While you’re journaling, you might want to include what made you decide to go after your goal, what worked for you, setbacks you experienced, and how you feel now.

Show Your Appreciation

Once you’ve celebrated your success, it’s time to thank your supporters. Maybe your mom watched your kids three times a week so you could make it to the gym. Maybe your spouse believed in your business when you were just starting out. Maybe you had a mentor who provided advice that helped you succeed.

You should always thank the people in your community that stood by you during the journey. But don’t stop there. Ask how you can return the blessing. Look for ways that you can support the dreams of the community that supported your dream.

Decide What’s Next

It’s not uncommon to reach a goal you’ve been after for a long time and suddenly find yourself restless. You took the time to celebrate your accomplishment and you thanked your community. But now you’re filled with energy and don’t know what to do next.

Now, you should begin looking for your next goal. It doesn’t have to be directly related to the one you just accomplished. But do pick another goal that makes you just as passionate as the one before it did.

If you don’t acknowledge your journey, then you can’t learn from it. That’s why you should always celebrate when you reach a goal. You’ve earned it.

I hope you have enjoyed my series on goal setting. Please let me know if you did and what you were able to achieve. I love to hear from you! 

Click here to download the goal setting workbook.

Break Your New Goal Into Steps

Break your new goal into steps-2Once you’ve set your mind on a goal and cleared away distractions, you’re ready to get started working. But first, you need to do some planning. When you plan in advance and use that plan, you’re more likely to succeed with your goals.

You can make a list of things to do to reach your goal. But it’s usually easier to start by evaluating what you need to make your goal a reality.

Tools or Supplies

What tools or supplies will you need in order to meet your goal? If you’re starting a blog, you’ll need a website and hosting. If you’re aiming to lose weight, you’ll need a food scale and measuring cups. If you’re starting a jewelry business, then you’ll need modeling clay to make charms and necklace thread.

You also need to consider supplies you may have forgotten about. If you’re starting a business, you may need child care. If you’re changing your diet, you may need new recipe books to help you prepare healthier meals.

Specialized Help

Sometimes, you can’t achieve your goals by yourself. That’s where specialized help comes in. Specialized help can take many forms. It might be hiring a personal trainer so you can get the toned body you want. It might be hiring a business coach to help you book enough clients to pay your bills.

Specialized help can sometimes be expensive. But if your goal is important to you, don’t be afraid to invest in it. Some coaches and trainers may be willing to work with you to develop a payment plan so be sure to ask if this is an option.

Support from Friends and Family

You can’t succeed in a bubble. In order to reach your goals, you’ll need the support of your family and friends. If your family and friends can’t be supportive, you should look for the support elsewhere.

Joining a support group or finding an online community can be helpful in these situations. Look for groups and communities that leave you feeling upbeat and are filled with people that want to achieve similar goals.

Return the Support

It’s easy to get so wrapped up in your new goal that you forget to invest in others. If you’re part of a group or community, make sure that you offer help to other members. Be willing to take time from your day to support someone else.

Now that you do know what you need in order to succeed, it’s time to go after your goal. It’s scary to take that first step, but you have to be willing to do it. Once you’ve taken that first step, you’ll experience a rush of confidence and increased motivation.

Click here to download the goal setting workbook.

Make Room for the New Goal

Make Room for the New Goal-2When you set a goal, you have to make room for it in your life. Most people find that they have to change their priorities in order to reach their goal. If the goal is important to you and you’re committed to achieving it, then this step is crucial to your success.

What Can I Give Up?

This is the question you need to ask yourself when trying to fit your goal into your busy life. Look for leisure activities. Do you watch three hours of Netflix every night? Could you drop that down to one hour so you could use the remaining two to work on your newest goal? What about games you play on your iPad in the afternoon? Can you use that time to focus on your goal instead?

If you’re having trouble finding time you can use for your goal, install a time tracker on your laptop or tablet. At the end of your day, many time tracking apps will give you a summary of how you spent your time. This is a great way to discover pockets of time that you could be using to achieve your goal.

What Can You Put on the Back Burner?

Another way to find time for your goal is to make a list of projects that won’t be prioritized while you work on this goal. You can put this list aside and leave a note on your calendar to review these projects later.

When you do this, you’ll be able to fully focus on your goal. You’ll see progress faster, which will motivate you even more. You’ll also increase your chances of success and feel more positive about your goal.

What’s in Conflict?

Many people fail to reach their goals because they have conflicting goals. These conflicting goals are sneaky and it can be hard to spot them. For example, your goal may be to spend more time with your kids in the evening. Now if you set another goal to go back to college to finish your degree in the evenings, you’ve created two goals that are in conflict with each other.

When it comes to goals in conflict, don’t think you have to pick one or the other. Instead, look for solutions that allow you to bring your goals into harmony. Using the above example, you could decide that you’ll go back to college in the evenings for three nights a week. But you’ll use the remaining four nights to spend more time with your kids.

Making room for your goals isn’t always easy, but it is necessary to your success. Remember that if you don’t follow through with your goal, nothing will change.

Click here to download the goal setting workbook.

Are You Goal Focused?

Are You Goal Focused-1This may be the first question to ask yourself when thinking about how you’d like to make progress / set goals this year.

In order to set a goal, you have to know where you’re headed but most people have no clear direction. They don’t know what they’re working toward and they have no way to gauge their success or failure.

Think of it like being an airline pilot. You can go into the cockpit and sit down. You may know what all the controls do but you have no destination or flight plan. How do you know if you did your job? How do you know if you arrived where you intended to be?

The simple answer is you don’t. That’s what it’s like to coast through life without goals. Goals are your flight plan. They help you chart a path from where you are right now to where you want to be. Without a plan, you’re just flying around in circles and burning valuable fuel.

Setting Goals Requires Commitment

Setting a goal doesn’t matter if you aren’t willing to commit to seeing it through. It’s the equivalent of coming up with a flight plan but never setting foot in the cockpit. Following through on a goal is hard and it can be scary. But if you’re not happy with your life, you’re the only one that can change it.

Are You Willing to Take Responsibility?

Most people fail at reaching their goals because they neglect to change their mindset. It’s easy to make excuses for why you aren’t achieving your goals. You may tell yourself that you don’t have the time or money to pursue your goals. You may tell yourself that you were dealt a bad hand in life and you can’t do anything to change it.

You have to be willing to set these excuses aside and take responsibility for your life. When a pilot sits down in the cockpit, they take responsibility for the aircraft. They can’t make excuses because they have the lives of other people in their hands and so do you. You have your life in your hands. What you choose to do with it is your responsibility.

Know What Your Finish Line Looks Like

To meet a goal, you have to be focused on the finish line. It’s easier to binge on Netflix than it is to work toward you goals. That’s why it’s important that you have a visual reminder of the finish line.

This finish line image can be a picture of the island where you’ll go on vacation after you’ve gotten out of debt or a collage of what your home office will look like when you finally earn enough to quit your job. Focusing on your finish line keeps you motivated and increases your chances of success.

Becoming goal focused is difficult and requires discipline. But if what you want is important to you, then you’ll find a way to reach your goals and live the life you want.

Click here to download the full e-book journal with all 4 steps to goal setting.

Click here to download the goal setting workbook.

What Are You Truly Fired Up to Focus On?

Figuring this out is the first step to setting your goal. (**You can download the accompanying workbook and ebook journal with all the goal setting steps at the bottom of this article).

A quick note before we get to the goods, I just want to let you know that I’m going to be putting out a ton of AMAZING free content this year as a way to give back, but only those subscribed to my newsletter will get it. So, go on over to the right side of this page and sign up, so you don’t miss it. You’ll also get my free course on Therapeutic Writing when you do. I’m so excited to see how it all unfolds for you! 

There may be several areas of your life that you’d like to improve by setting goals. You know that you’d feel happy when you completed them. But what’s the one goal that you really want to accomplish? What’s the one that fills you with excitement and makes your heart beat fast as you dream of the possibilities?

You want to pursue goals that excite you because you’ll be more motivated to achieve them. When you encounter roadblocks, you’ll be more likely to find a way to overcome them. Passion is the fuel that will drive you forward and enable you to keep going when things are tough.

What one thing, if completed, would be the tipping point for everything else you want to do?

You can transform your life by pursing a single goal. Think about the weight loss transformations you see in magazines or the inspirational stories of employees who built their dream business while working full-time. It all started with a single goal that changed the direction of their lives.

Why is this goal important?

Once you know what your goal is and you feel passionate about it, you need to dig deep to discover why this goal matters to you. This is important because you have to know what’s motivating you. On the bad days when you encounter setbacks, your motivation will have to be powerful enough to give you the strength to keep going.

Your motivation doesn’t have to be about you. For example, if you’re an obese parent, maybe you’re afraid that you won’t live to see your child graduate high school unless you change how you eat. In this case, your motivation is your child. So when you’ve had a horrible day and want to do emotional eating, you think of your child in his or her graduation gown.

What’s the first step?

Now that you know what you want, it can be helpful to make a list. You should write down all the ways your life will benefit when you’ve achieved your goal. This list can help you stay motivated and give you the courage to keep going after your dream.

While you may not realize it right now, setting and achieving one goal that’s important to you should be the start of your brand new life. It will transform you into a different person, one that’s more confident and happier than before.

Click here to download the full e-book journal with all 4 steps to goal setting.

Click here to download the goal setting workbook.

How toxic is too toxic in a relationship?

This was an article I read from David Neagle of the Neagle Code recently, and I thought it was pretty great, so I had to share! This is something we all experience at some time or another. 

Hi David!

I have a lifelong friend (someone whom I’ve known and been close to for nearly 30 years), who has a very toxic side. At first I didn’t notice it, but as I’m growing, I’m seeing it as clear as day. I know it’s rubbing off on me, and yet, I don’t want to walk away from this relationship.

Is there something I can do to keep her in my life and still protect myself from the toxicity?

David’s Answer:

Hi, Margaret, and thanks for the great question.

Last month I answered this same question during one of my Mindset for Maximum Prosperity Intensives, so let me ask you the same question I asked one of my attendees.

How much toxicity would you allow in your home? Would you allow just a little bit of lead paint?
Just a little bit of arsenic? I think not. So why would you allow it into your personal relationships?

The answer: YOU ARE ATTACHED.

Ask yourself: What are you getting from the relationship? And then see what’s actually going on here.
My advice would be to set her free.

Otherwise, you’ll find yourself either trying to change her (which is not your right or responsibility), or you will continue to take on her toxic energy and/or beliefs.

It’s possible that this relationship was meant to be for a season rather than a lifetime.

I used to but…

I used to but...I used to but…

I hear that a lot. People tell me they used to exercise, write, enjoy life, have a healthy weight, etc.  Not only did they “used to” do those things, they loved them. Why did they quit?

The answer could number in the hundreds. Everyone has particular needs that change. What was important when you were twenty is often not the thing that motivates you to action when you are fifty.

Think about your list of “used to’s” and decide which ones you would like to continue or resume. You may need to get in practice again, sharpen your skills through study or actions. You’re smart. You know, when you plant a garden, you do not abandon it the day after you plant the seeds. Stay with it. Continue to practice even when – especially when—you don’t feel like it.

You may recall other times when you took time off or decided that you would do it tomorrow. It was harder to get back on track when you put it off. You get rusty very quick. And once you make excuses, it’s easier to make them the next time.

I recall learning from my meditation teacher, Jon Kabat-Zinn: “You don’t have to like it, you just have to do it.”

Here’s what I’m going to do.

            1. I will write three times a week. My goal is to create e-courses on a regular basis. Once I do that, I will decide if I want to write an e-book. I have short stories I want to finish and, of course, poems will write themselves if I pay attention.

            2. I will say no more often. Not to do more but to be more. Just be.
Now, your turn.

i-used-to-exercise-but-im-fine-now_25291In the book, The War of Art by Steven Pressfield, he talks about showing up to do the work. He reminds us that it’s not always a pretty journey but when you simply show up consistently, you will reach your goal.

Agree?

What will you reclaim or create in your life? Feel free to email me your thoughts or just say hello at rB@earthlink.net.

How Getting Seasonal Depression is as Common as Catching the Flu

cs-depression-roundtable-what-depression-feels-like-400Imagine this scenario…

After yoga class with friends, you notice Annabelle is acting unlike herself. You can’t put your finger on what it is that you notice, so you keep it to yourself. The next day at work, you notice that Annabelle is not walking the way she usually does, she seems frustrated and sighs when the phone rings. You ask her if she is okay and she tells you she is fine, just tired.  This continues until a week later you ask her again and this time she tells you she has a pulled muscle in her back and a sprained wrist. You had no idea. Annabelle tells you she is embarrassed and didn’t want the boss to know because she hasn’t been finishing her work. You don’t want your friend to suffer, so you take it upon yourself to make an appointment and offer to drive her to see the doctor.

Now, what if were to replace “pulled muscle” and “sprained wrist” with “depression”? Are you as likely to take the same action for your friend?

Did you know that depression is the leading cause of disability worldwide? Only about half of those diagnosed receive treatment – in many countries this is fewer than 10%. Although getting help from health care professionals is always a recommended approach, many people lack the resources, time and access to such care.  Depression makes it even harder to follow through with plans. Some even turn to detrimental forms of self-medication, such as drinking alcohol.

How do you know when someone has depression? The National Institute of Mental Health defines depression as a “mood disorder that causes severe symptoms affecting how you feel, think, and handle daily activities”. The combination of environmental factors, personality, genetics and biochemistry can lead to its onset. It’s been compared to catching a cold. It can affect anyone at any time.

Although not all of these factors can be easily changed, there are things we can do to reduce our susceptibility. The habit of washing your hands comes naturally and we do it for the sake of our health. Is there anything you can do similarly to help reduce the symptoms of depression? It turns out there is.

The amygdale is a part of the brain closely associated with depression. The amygdale modulates the fear response. In depressed people, the amygdale tends to be larger and overly active in response to negative stimuli, such as seeing something upsetting, or feeling sad. These feelings become more intense than usual. The brain has a “cold” and is now sneezing, metaphorically. Additionally, things that are usually fun and make you happy just don’t rise to the level of  “happy” anymore.

When researchers studied the overactive amygdale they found that meditation may counteract depression by reducing amygdale activity and by increasing activity in the hippocampus, prefrontal cortex and other brain regions associated with attention and emotional self-regulation.

 

Have you heard of Seasonal Affective Depression? Most people haven’t.

Kwan Yin Sabbatical 2When the Fall season arrives, it comes with warm, comforting recipes and new visual landscapes to admire. It can also bring Seasonal Affective Depression that creeps in like the cloudy skies.

Seasonal Affective Depression is thought to be caused by lack of bright sunlight. If you find yourself feeling blue and gloomy on days that are grey, it’s worth looking into. Most people who have it, may not even be aware that’s the cause of how they are feeling. On the other hand, rain and gloom cheers some people up. They find they have lots of energy on those days.

I also encourage you to practice meditation as a way to feel better. Meditation can be done anywhere, such as a walking meditation.

Sometimes a new environment or a porch swing can have a similar effect. Here are some pictures from my “sabbatical” in Ocean Springs, MS earlier this month with my beloved little cat, Kwan Yin. She was my sabbatical companion while I was there.