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The Importance of Being Happy First

We have a list of things in our head at all times about what will make us happy…. “If only this would happen…” or “when that happens…”, I’ll be happy. Do you really want to put happiness on hold until those things are satisfied?

In this article, I am going to use writing as an example, but you can fill in your own blank about what you want to happen. Writing more, writing better or–fill in-the blank — will NOT make you happy if you aren’t happy now.

That’s not to say that implementing something you love won’t help you walk down the road to happiness, but you can’t expect an immediate cure for unhappiness.

It pains me to write this. The reason is we keep changing our goal posts. We want more.

Check out this TED talk about the importance of being happy first . Shawn Achor has done lots of research on the topic and I find his evidence convincing. Writing more is not going to make you happier, but giving yourself time to do things for yourself and others (offering help to others, meditating, gardening, taking a long walk) will likely make you happier, therefore, a better writer.

It’s better to do something to work toward your goal a little bit every day than a whole lot of things on an inconsistent basis.

Michael Ferris Smith said his novels started with one sentence or one idea and he wrote every day letting his mind create the story. When someone asked when he thought of a character or scene, he said “When I thought of it.”

Whatever you are working towards (writing, exercise, cleaning out a dresser drawer), start with 5 minutes a day. This takes away your argument that you don’t have time. You may come up with other arguments but try it. It becomes a habit and you will feel successful (and could decide to do moreJ

In general, the best time to do your thing is first thing in the morning. I can hear you groaning. Your energy and focus may be in the evening. But there are legitimate reasons to try the morning time. Your creative brain is awake, you have more energy, you’re in a better mood, and you’ll feel good all day about fitting in your 5 minutes.

Depending upon your goal, give yourself permission to “just do it.” without being perfect. If you are writing a story, write a paragraph and allow it to simmer in your mind during the day. It is likely you may rewrite that paragraph every day during your 5 minutes. Give yourself time to rewrite without feeling guilty about rewriting. The best writers in the world are always the best re-writers. This applies to art, dancing, cooking, and such.

The bottom line is that when we are happy, we are better at whatever we do. What do you know would make you happy if you gave it a little time and energy each day?

The Experience of In Between

Nobody likes being left out, abandoned, different, and unwelcomed. Yet, it is a common experience when we are “in-between.” Not where we were and not where we are yet to be.

People feel in-between while they are waiting for a divorce, retiring from work, getting sicker, moving to new homes, or changing jobs. We like the familiar and will often stay with the familiar (spouse, job, church, neighborhood, country) until something motivates us to change. If you watch “Naked and Afraid,” you have seen them land on a beautiful beach, they choose to enter the treacherous jungle with no guarantee there will be food or they will survive. They have to transition themselves into a very humble way of being in order to just survive the challenge.

That’s what we do. It’s always been like that, right?

Perhaps you’ve sent in your DNA sample to find out your genetic heritage. We’re all so excited to see if what we thought is true and to see what we didn’t know about ourselves. I had been told we were “Scotch Irish’ and from England but I wasn’t expecting Finnish and Northern Russia! Probably a few brave or desperate souls traveled across Europe. I’d like to know their stories. Wouldn’t you like to know your ancestors’ stories? Our country is full of them. We all came from somewhere. They had to leave the familiar. They were not always welcomed. They were different from those who were already here. They lived in-between trying to find “there.”

It’s always been that way.

Our world population can be compared to a kaleidoscope that is constantly changing. A kaleidoscope can be beautiful and every change can be amazing or it can feel confusing and busy.

Wars, fires, famines, floods, hurricanes, and heat force people to move and change. Almost everyone has stories of people who moved into your neighborhood after these events, even if it was temporary. Katrina changed the landscape, for example. Help was available. Were the strangers welcomed? Not always.

It takes courage to wait and be patient or live through challenges and struggles to get to a better state of being.

It’s always been that way.

Now, we see people fleeing their familiar on our southern border. They must feel as though they’ve entered a jungle with no promise of anything. They are in-between.

Can we find compassion for someone different? Can we remember our own ancestors and the stories we learned about who we are, celebrating our DNA strands? Or will it take another hundred years to understand human tribal behavior?

Sometimes, there is hope on the other side of the “in between”. I’d like to see everyone come out of their in between in a better state of being. In our human history, that hasn’t always been the case. We can choose to make the other side of in between better.

Does it always have to be that way?

If you need help with your in between, you can schedule a consultation here. You may also contact me at 601-684-9657 or e-mail me at patriciabrawley@earthlink.net

Personal Safety – Why It’s Worth Thinking About

It’s not going to happen to me. Or so we think. When something happens…a person is assaulted, kidnapped, robbed…we always think we won’t be next.

We are SO busy. We don’t want to think about this.

It’s possible you won’t be next, and I hope you aren’t! BUT there is always a chance you could end up in the wrong place at the wrong time. Or your loved ones can be.

If that happens, there are some things you can do to protect yourself. Here are 6 tips:

1.) Carry a mini taser in your bag, briefcase, or purse. They have ones that are so small that they are lipstick sized. They come with cases and you can stowe them easily and they stay charged for a long period of time. You may never need it, but it’s good to have!

2.) When getting into your car, especially in an isolated area or at night, look in the back seat and under the car when walking up to it.

3.) If you stay late at the office, let security know you are there and let them know when you leave.

4.) If you have an office visitor late in the day, put sharp objects away, wallets, and anything confidential just in case.

5.) Get a doorbell camera or home safety system. Your local cable company should have an option for you. Ring is one option.

6.) Trust your intution! We so often don’t do that, and it’s usually right. If it turns out to be nothing, that’s okay, but check it out.

If you are the victim of an attack or assault and you need help, you can schedule a consultation here. You may also contact me at 601-684-9657 or e-mail me at patriciabrawley@earthlink.net

When Everything Is Not Smooth Sailing – Challenges of Adoption

As a licensed professional therapist, I incorporate adoption work into my general practice. Most of the time couples are excited to adopt a child even though it is mentally exhausting.

Sometimes adoptive parents are afraid to talk about the challenging side of adoption because they are so grateful to be parents that they don’t want to “complain” about the negative aspects of the process. I’m here to tell families that it’s totally okay to be exhausted, scared, unsure, etc. and still be GREAT parents.

There are factors that make parenting a bit more stressful than regular parent stressors, such as adopting an older child or a special needs child. Some children arrive with a history of abuse and showing symptoms of Post Traumatic Disorder.

Then, you have regular family stressors like making sure a child is comfortable, well-adjusted, healthy, and feeling loved.

There is the added twist of when to tell a child he/she is adopted and how to tell the adoption story. You have to be prepared for “You’re not my real Mom.” stuff similarly heard from blended family children. This tends to happen when the children get older.

Then, we have family and cultural dynamics.

You’ve seen TV shows around adult children wanting to find birth parents and vice versa. Whether or not adoptive parents want to see their children or vice versa, there are always a mix of complex feelings for everyone involved in that situation.

There is an increase in lesbian and gay couples adopting children. That comes with its own set of societal challenges.

We’ve seen shifts in the counties US parents are adopting from. For a while, the trend was Asian children, then Russian children, then South American and Chinese children. This sometimes has to do with regulations involving permission to adopt the child. This can be a very difficult process. Sometimes, the adoption process can take months (or even years) even though an adoptive couple knew they were going to adopt a child before it was born. There is a lot of red tape. In the meantime, a child can be kept in the horrid conditions of an orphanage in a dangerous part of a foreign country. This leaves a physical and mental impact on the children and adoptive parents that has to be dealt with once the process is complete.

We’ve learned that introducing the adopted child’s culture is important. The Little Couple (a TV show documentary series, which follows two little people who adopted two kids that were little people from different countries) educates us about how understanding and experience helps their children. Their little boy is from China and their little girl is from India. The visited China to introduce their won, Will, to their own culture and will soon schedule a trip to India to introduce their daughter to her culture.

We know more about Attachment Disorder in adoption population of all ages. They are probably going to have some issues with abandonment no matter how well-adjusted they are in their new family. There is a lot of stress for everyone. For people who work with agencies, there are home studies and inspections and endless evaluations. In private adoptions, the birth parents can change their mind or even take the child back. It’s a lot to prepare for and understand.

A counselor can help couples work on dealing with stress and keep their relationship healthy. In fact, I can’t imagine a family going through this process without counseling assistance at some point.

It is okay to admit that this process is daunting but it’s worth it because of the result. It’s okay for the family to need ongoing counseling and support for a healthy family and home. Please talk about your fears and challenges and get help when you feel overwhelmed. Or, if you know a family on this journey, please share this with them.

If you feel stuck and need a sounding board to help you plan,you can schedule a consultation here. You may also contact me at 601-684-9657 or e-mail me at patriciabrawley@earthlink.net

Choosing the Right People In Your Life is Like Coming Home

It’s hard to think of something that is not made better when enjoyed with others who love you. It’s like coming home. Or, if home is not so inviting, think of coming home to a place where it’s refreshing and you feel wonderful to be there.

Sharing your thoughts and ideas flows easily with these people, and you feel safe. You don’t have to think or worry about what you say because you know they love you for who you are, and they embrace whatever you share.

You may often think about each other at the same time and pick up the phone to call them and send a text only to hear that they were thinking of you too.

You are “in sync” with these people in your life. You may even feed off each other’s energy to attract even more synchronicity.

Wouldn’t it be nice if we had that relationship with everyone we interact with?

Your favorite people can boost you up and other not-so-favorite people can put that little black cloud over your head leaving you feeling awful and depressed, right? You know who they are. Compare the two groups: one makes you feel more motivated to try new things and the other group dishes out doubt about what you can be and do. These people can be found in your social media groups, too.

You can choose. You can choose something new.

In the next couple of days, become aware and notice how people impact you. How do you feel after spending time with people and groups you are involved in? Scan your body to identify tension, feelings of heaviness, depression, lightness, relaxation or nothing at all. Do your thoughts change? Is there something you won’t say to some people because you know they will tell you it’s wrong? Like I said, you have a choice.

Being aware is part of the choice. If you can identify who stirs up a down feeling, note it but don’t buy into it. Choose friends and make new ones that lighten your mood. They make it fun to share ideas and dreams.

You’ll love being a part of a group or having friends that are positive. Another side of yourself will start showing up in life. And when you do this, you’ll be amazed by the positive ways synchronicity shows up in your life.

Here’s my invitation: practice awareness and check your responses to different people. You may want to choose new friends who support you. It’s allowed. You have permission!

Your muse with the purple glasses.

3 Reasons Why You Can’t Get Into Productivity Mode

Whether you are at work or at home, there’s always something productive you can be doing. But some days, you may find it difficult to get into your normal work rhythm even when you know you need to. You may feel distracted and struggle to focus on your tasks. You may experience headaches or dizziness. You might also be feeling fatigued.

Instead of giving up and watching Netflix for the next few hours, it can helpful to check in with your body. When you stop to check in with yourself, you may find that a simple fix is all that’s required for getting back into your normal productive mode.

Here are three things that can disrupt your natural work flow:

Your body is hungry. When you’re hungry, it’s hard to think things through and that makes decision making difficult. That’s why it’s important that you take time to nourish your body. You wouldn’t set out on a road trip with an empty gas tank so don’t expect your body to perform at its very best when you’re denying it much needed fuel.

You can easily remedy this situation by getting something to eat. But steer clear of sugary snacks. They may give you a temporary burst of energy but that energy will be gone within a couple of hours, leaving your body just as hungry as before. Instead, try to opt for healthier snacks that contain plenty of protein like a handful of nuts or a serving of lean chicken breast.

Your thoughts are scattered. You go to work on one project but get distracted by another one. Then you decide to check your email and catch up on your social media updates. Before you know it, you have twelve different activities open on your screen.

When this happens, you might be experiencing a lack of focus. You have so many ideas and tasks that you don’t know where to start working. In this case, it’s best to pause and make a list. Write down everything you need to accomplish today or this week. Then prioritize these projects by numbering them. Your most important task should be number one so after you’re finished with your list, start there.

Your body is exhausted.There are many things that can cause you to feel exhausted besides a lack of sleep. Emotional stress, illness, chronic pain, and other problems can deplete your energy. When you’re exhausted, it’s hard to work on your business.

The best way to tackle exhaustion is to practice self-care. Look at your life and ask yourself what you really need right now. You might need a day off. You might need a sitter to help watch your kids while you work.

You might need to let go of stressful clients or remove projects that aren’t a good fit for your talents. Don’t hesitate to give yourself what you need. If you take good care of yourself, you’ll find it easier to nurture your business.

It’s important that you take time to check in with your mind and body a few times each day. When you do this regularly, you’ll begin to notice your body’s rhythms and be able to plan your work around them.

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Live Your Life Boldly! Spring Into Action.

British adventurist Sir Ranulph Fiennes has been called the world’s greatest living explorer. He’s navigated some of the world’s most challenging and inhospitable places on earth including trekking the Antarctic and both North and South Poles, unsupported and on foot.

When he was in his 60’s, Fiennes decided to overcome a severe fear of heights by climbing Mt. Everest. On his second attempt, hundreds of feet short of the summit, he suffered severe chest pains. It was night time, and he was dangling from a rope on a near vertical ice wall at 29,000 feet above the ground. Frozen and in pain, he turned around and somehow managed to descend. He lived to tell the tale, running a marathon a mere 16 weeks after his near fatal heart attack.

When it comes to facing your fears, how daring are you? Do you turn tail and head in the opposite direction? Do you waver and hope the feeling passes? Or, do you, like Fiennes, stand firm and always face your fears head on?

Picture what your life would look like if you consistently faced off against your fears, both big and small, with the fearlessness of someone like Sir Ranulph Fiennes. What would it feel like to boldly stare down and confront your fears,,never letting them interfere with what you want to accomplish? Imagine what you could achieve if you never again let fear get in your way.

“Don’t be afraid of your fears. They’re not there to scare you. They’re there to let you know that something is worth it.” C. Joy Bell C.

For example, fear can make us hesitate, procrastinate, experience creative blocks, and be averse to risk. All of this can lead to low accomplishment, which can cause stress. That stress can lead to cognitive impairment, an increased risk of heart disease, premature aging, relationship conflicts, depression, and more – and a cycle of fear is born. That cycle can leave us feeling like we’re just going through the motions of life without really living.

“My life has been filled with terrible misfortune most of which never happened.”
Michel de Montaigne

The remedy for our childhood fear of monsters lurking under the bed was to shine a light into the darkness. Once we did, it revealed the truth – there were no monsters. Once we shine the light of truth at what scares us, we often discover our fears to be unfounded.

Remember there is nothing to fear but fear itself and, if you’ve been living in fear, it’s time to spring into action in your life!

If you would like more specifics on how to overcome your fears, read my tips about that in my article below “How to Overcome Your Fears”.

My Gift to You During Love Month

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Make Your Inner Child Your Valentine

What I feel in my body does not match how I feel in my mind. It comes as a shock to let the number of my age surface to consciousness. How can this be? I still feel like I’m 18 years old some days.

Sure, I know I’ve transitioned though many developmental stages and my body has changed, but it seems my spirit is still young-at-heart.

Wayne Dyer used to say he would never let an old person into his body. What he meant was determining not to “think old.”

We all want to stay young and vibrant, so make your inner child your valentine this year and it could change how you feel about everything in your life.

Here are a few tips to keep a young-at-heart attitude despite the number of candles on your cake this year!

1. Have a happy childhood (even if you didn’t). Watch children playing and notice how totally involved they are in what they are doing; running everywhere they go. They have no idea of what they will face in their future lives. You were once like that too. Now, recapture the feelings of wide-eyed excitement, experience fully spontaneous awe of everything alive. Cut loose.
I recently was called to evaluate a 96-year-old woman who said she was depressed and thinking about death. Not to be unfeeling, but I told her to give herself permission to cut loose, live it up and have fun.

2 Laugh every day, particularly when someone asks the impossible from you. For example, your boss wants over the moon from you. Slap your knee and laugh while saying, “He wants me to do 10 hours work on my lunch hour!” Of course, you won’t do 10 hours work on your lunch hour, but you will do what you can with a better attitude.

Sometimes, I feel like giving this advice to couples (but I don’t). Slap your knee and laugh while saying “I’ve gone and married someone the exact opposite of me! (again) I’m spending all this time trying to make him/her into a clone of myself as though he’s made of play dough. Give it up, girl.”

3. Say yes! If you ask a young child if they can do something like drive or cook an egg, they will say they can and believe it. Somewhere in our growing up people tell us we can’t do things. Then, we believe them and carry on the conversation in our heads. This is frequently called “the critic”, especially if you are a writer.

So, catch yourself before you say “no” to your dreams. Try, “Probably”. Or “Sure!”

Feeling young-at heart yet?

No, you still can’t jump on the bed. Well, maybe just this once.

DON’T Set Goals in 2019. Do this instead.

Here we are again. It is a new year with a wide horizon of dreams for you to choose from. What are your dreams for this year? Notice, I did not ask you what goals you set. I don’t have anything against goals but I think the dream comes first. Within the dream the pathways appear to reach your dream.

For the first time in a loooong time, I have purposely not set the same tired goals: lose weight, earn more money, clean my house, etc. Why?

I’d love to have them but I heard another therapist say that we (therapists) should not accept our client’s setting a goal to lose weight because we know from all the research, people suffer, fail, and end up feeling worse.

However, when it is stated as something to gain, like: “Become healthier, fit and strong.” Or “I’m in control of my choices.”, we are more successful in achieving it. Instead of a goal, let’s examine our true motivation.

Then, we’re not tied to an outcome around money and pounds. If happiness is measured by how much, we never have enough. Who want’s that?
So, I’m dropping the goal of losing weight and adding more of other things like acceptance of who I am and gratefulness.

I might decide, instead, that I want to avoid emotional eating this year and accept my weight for what it is right now knowing I want to make some healthy choices and see where it takes me.

It’s freeing. =)

The Muses Kiss

Therapeutic Writing to Peacefully Navigate Life's Changes