Author Archives: Patricia Brawley, PhD, LPC

Class Is In – 10 Steps to Prepare for Daily Meditation

How to Meditate in 10 Easy StepsWe now know with overwhelming evidence that using meditation can help individuals achieve astonishing results in their physical and mental health. 

This space is too short to offer you a whole course in meditation, but I do want you to know about what meditation is and what it is not.

Recently, I asked my intern students if they were teaching their clients to meditate. I was surprised to hear one student say, “isn’t it just deep breathing?” or “relaxing with your eyes closed?” The simple answer is No.  Deep breathing is deep breathing and is useful to help when we feel anxious. Relaxing is relaxing. Also good for us, but it is not meditation.

What is meditation? It’s the act of clearing your mind of clutter and becoming grounded and focused. It is a mental and physical reset button.

It starts with posture.  You want to stay relaxed and alert and focus on the present moment. You let your breath do its own thing. You notice. Your breath may change or not. You just notice. Don’t judge.

A good attitude helps but as my teacher, Jon Kabat Zinn said, “you don’t have to like it to do it.” Chances are when you start you’ll feel awkward or uncomfortable. That’s okay.  Finding the ideal meditation posture and seating can take a while. There’s no one-size-fits all seat for meditation. You may think of seeing people seated cross-legged on cushions on the floor, but you can also meditate seated in a chair, or walking, or eating mindfully.

Your mind will chatter. It’s called monkey mind because it’s like a monkey jumping from tree to tree. Just notice, don’t judge, let it be. Try not to dwell on any thought. Let them come and go like clouds in a sky. Come back to your breathing over and over.

Here are 10 steps to prepare for daily meditation.

1.) Take a seat.

2.) Let your eyes gaze slightly downward, 4 to 6 feet in front of you or close your eyes. Try it both ways to see which you like best.

3.) Tuck your chin in slightly to keep your spine aligned.

4.) Sit upright and straight but not unnaturally stiff. Arching or slouching produces tension. To align your spine, bend forward then slowly straighten up. Try to feel each vertebra stack up as you go.

5.) Center your sitting bones. Don’t lean forward or backward. Allow yourself to “settle in.” Take your time to get comfortable. Rock back and forth and side to side until you feel the sitting bones loosen up. The rest of your posture will more easily fall into place now.

6.) Keep your arms parallel to your body, palms on your thighs. Some people like to place their hands together or one palm holding the other palm.

7.) Sit with your knees below your hips, legs loosely crossed. That’s why you see people sitting on cushions or meditation benches. You will want to experiment to find the right height.

8.) Come prepared with a shawl, socks, glass or water, and timer.

9.) It’s okay to take a break during your meditation session. Try bringing your knees to your chest, curving your spine forward to stretch out.

10.) If sitting is uncomfortable, take your seat in a chair. It’s easier on your knees and convenient. Resist the urge to slouch back in the chair unless you really need to. Sitting straight helps your breathing. Keep your feet flat on the floor. You may have to use a stool or something under your feet if the chair is too high off the floor.

Homework:

Practice with no expectations but notice the results.

Tap into Your Superpower and Shine Your Own Light (Inspired by Bruce Lee)

Champions_superhero_r1_LR-450x646At some time or another, we have all admired or looked up to someone. We may have thought, “Wow, what they are doing is great. I want to do or be that.” It’s good to have role models and mentors. And sometimes we like what someone else is doing so much, we do everything to support their goals and life’s work.

BUT are you paying enough attention to your heart’s desire? We often neglect or avoid looking inside ourselves to see what we really want because it’s easy to help someone else who already has it figured out.

The danger in doing this is that you miss the boat in achieving your true happiness, which is focusing on achieving the thing that lights you up inside. And, by doing that, you ultimately become your best self and offer the most help to the world.

I recently watched an excellent TEDx video on just this very thing, which highlights Bruce Lee’s message for us outlined by his daughter. You can watch the video HERE.

Here are the 3 principles his daughter shares based on the thoughts he left with the world.

  • Don’t think. Feel! – Get in touch with your heart. Meditate for a bit on what lights you up inside. Think about what got you excited as a child. What makes you happy? What do you love? What games did you play?
  • Align your actions with your thoughts and your heart (desires). Make a list of what you want to have achieved at the end of your life. Have goals but not just goals, dreams. Investigate this first. This is not always easy. There’s no one to say whether you are right or wrong. But where you put your personal effort aligned with your heart that the next step is.
  • Achieve harmony in the form of peace of mind. The goal of doing this is to reach peace of mind. There is no peace of mind if you are in judgment of others. Don’t worry about competition or adversity. Don’t duplicate anyone else. As the saying goes you need to be yourself because everyone else is taken. To operate and make a positive impact, focus on the greater good and how you can contribute to that in your own unique way. Decide what you want to offer to the world and act from the root of your being.

The Unspoken Truth About Bipolar Disorder

bipolar-myths-factsAt some time or another you may have heard people say, that person is crazy. He / she is bipolar. So, we’ve learned to associate “crazy” with bipolar disorder. So many people use this term out of context.

I’d like to share with you what bipolar disorder is and what it isn’t. It IS a mood disorder marked for alternating periods of extreme happiness and depression. It is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. It can affect energy level, judgment, memory, concentration, appetite, sleep patterns, sex drive, and self-esteem.It can be treated with medication and healthy lifestyle choices.

Here’s what it IS NOT. Having bipolar disorder does not mean a person has split personalities. It does not mean they are crazy or violent. It does not mean someone had inadequate parenting. People with bipolar disorder CAN get better. Most people think they can’t. Having bipolar disorder does not mean someone is unfaithful or untrustworthy. Most importantly, bipolar disorder is not rare! It affects 5.7 million Americans each year, which is about 2.6% of the population. 

Another thing that most people don’t know about people with bipolar disorder is that they are some of the most sensitive, creative people in the world. In fact, scientists are starting to believe that bipolar disorder was a gateway to human evolution. Watch the video about that HERE. 

choosehappy

Are you living happily or just settling for so-so?

choosehappyDid you read Henry Thoreau’s book, “Walden”? He is famous for the quote “Most men live lives of quiet desperation.”

The quote comes from an essay on the pain he saw in most people’s lives. As a therapist, I see it too. It’s not the type of pain that comes from illness. That can strike any of us. It has more to do with good people doing the best they can but are stuck in a life where they aren’t terribly miserable but they aren’t very happy.

It feels like having a low-grade fever on the happiness scale. Thoreau wrote about people who worked all month to pay the bills with little to show for it. They worked in jobs that didn’t suit them. They had little beauty, humor, art or joy in their lives. He called it “settling” for less than life could be.

Thoreau, a keen observer, could see that people were bored and always looking for a temporary pleasure to distract them or make them feel happy for a moment. He wrote about people staying so busy with mundane tasks that they used up any time or energy they could have used to explore living a fuller life. This is the act of “desperation.”

This month, our culture’s distraction with the weather and storms made me think about these things again. Too often, we fall prey to the media’s desire to dazzle us with the bizarre that we forget to make the most of our own lives, here and now.

Of course, we are all fascinated by the unusual and the extraordinary. We live in a time when anything that happens, anywhere on earth, comes into our homes and shows up on our email and phones, in “real time.” Used appropriately, our access to instant communication is a wonderful thing! No one can deny that.

But don’t let the daily news plus your daily routine prevent you from expressing the highest and best that is in you.  There will always be worries about the economy, politics or threats of war. They are not substitutes for living according to your highest ideals.

Every day we have a choice of how we want to live. Do you choose to worry about everything or build the life you really want? Do you expend enormous energy on problems “out there” or proactively plan and address the challenges of living the life you choose? No one will tell you how to use your time and talents. That’s for you to decide.

Would you choose to build memories with your children or focus on tragedy? Would you read the best books ever written or watch more TV. Would you build your business, develop your skills or fret about the economy? Would you sing and dance to your own music or download more iTunes?

Throughout history, most people have worked to survive. We now live in a time when we have the best education an resources. We can enjoy healthy meals, great music, conversation, and listen to the smartest people on earth, often in person! And yet we so often let it pass us by.

In the coming month, make the choice to live your own life, in your own way, as best you can. Do one new thing or do at least one thing differently. Spend one hour exploring the highest and best that is in you. Then, take a moment to reflect on how it impacts your life. I’d love to hear about that.

Boredom is Creativity in Disguise

CreativityI’ve got to quit saying “I’m never bored.” I am an only child and feel that I can always find something to do to amuse myself. However, from all the research I’ve read and experiences bear this out, boredom is great for creativity! It’s not something we should try to avoid.

John Cleese (Monty Python fame) said: “We don’t know where we get our ideas from. We do know that we do not get them from our laptops.”  Graham Linehan, an Irish TV comedy writer and director put it this way:  “The creative process requires a period of boredom, of being stuck,” he says. ”

If you are a writer, it feels like an uncomfortable period we mistake for writer’s block, but it’s actually just part one of a long process.

The internet has made it difficult to experience boredom.  We can’t stop following the breadcrumbs of hotlinks, Facebook, twitter, and before long we’ve tweeted up half our work day. This is a form of idleness and, believe it or not, not always a bad thing. But you need to make the conscious effort to put boundaries around this for yourself. Though it gets a bad wrap, the internet can be a plethura of ideas and inspiration as long as it’s used in moderation.

I think you will agree, that surfing the web is not the same kind of idleness as taking a walk or engaging in hobbies you really like. The kind of experience where time goes by before you know it. However you choose to do it, being idle is one of our most important activities in life. Give yourself permission to do this even though it isn’t the popular thing to do.

You see, the brain, like an airplane, can switch to “autopilot’ when we relinquish manual control. The autopilot knows where you really want to go and what you really want to do. The only way to find out what your autopilot knows is to stop flying the plane and let your autopilot guide you.

When the poem shows up or a great idea to solve a problem, you’ll know who to thank. Boredom is just creativity in disguise!

For more great free resources visit the website HERE.

Your Personal Fuel Crisis

fulfilledYou have the best intentions to take good care of yourself. You exercise, drop sugary foods from your menu choice try to sleep enough, get your nails done, etc. It can be overwhelming!

I’m defining fuel as anything that you do to sustain yourself physically, emotionally, and mentally. Things that fuel you feel right and good. If getting your nails done feels like a chore, it’s not fueling you!

We recognize the cliché of “running on empty”. But do you know what really fuels you?

Try This Exercise to Find Out…

Your To Do List and your To Not Do List

Try this out for a week. Take your To Do List and circle the items that are priorities. Underline the things on your list you will say NO to if it interferes with taking care of yourself and/or drains your energy.

For example, does checking your email after 4 p.m. make you feel better or worse? Do you really need to know what people want from you at 4 p.m.? Or could it wait until tomorrow morning when you have more energy?

Are there activities on your To-Do list that drain you? If you have to do them, at least choose a time of day when you are likely to breeze through the task. Delegate what you can.

As Warren Buffet says, “The difference between successful people and very successful people is that very successful people say no to almost everything.”  We can aim to put more things on our No list. If you do this right, you should free up some of your time.

Choose self-care that makes sense for you and schedule it. That way, you’re busy and you have to say “No” to other things.

Maybe you feel energized when you take a walk in the woods or play with the cat. You may release stress when you play with the kids or snuggle with your special loved one. Working on hobbies, watching a movie, playing or just chilling out has a way of making us feel better.

Action Step: What is one thing you can say “No” to today and what is one thing you can put into your day that will fuel your mind, body, and spirit?

Think about things like fun, contemplation time, physical activity, sleep, and social connection. These kinds of activities are the fuel for your focus and productivity during the day which will allow you to leave work knowing you spent your time well.

For more great free resources visit the website HERE.

What’s in Your Sandbox?

sandcastleWe adult often take life so seriously that we block our own growth with a lack of creativity. We schedule and discipline ourselves into our routines so much that we lose our sense of truly living in the process. We’ve become so busy in our everyday lives that having hobbies today is almost a rare situation for people.

But why should we care about hobbies? Why is having play in our lives important?

Playing relieves stress. This is a scientific fact, and it’s not hard for us to experience the results of how we feel when we live in play. Don’t you feel good after doing or seeing something that makes you laugh? What is it like after a nice bike ride, swim, walk or game of tennis? Doing what you love helps you to create your “happy place”.

You’ll have better relationships with others. Trying new things gives you the opportunity to meet new people or form deeper bonds with the people in your life that you want to spend time with. You may learn that someone is good at something you never knew about or that you are.

Stimulate your mind to think in new and exciting ways. Having fun, trying new things, and being in a different setting are ways to stimulate your mind. Because we are focusing on something different or new, our brain has no choice to be present and focused to absorb it…being present…how about that for a change?

The options for what you can do are limitless. Painting, coloring, sewing, joining a book club, biking, bowling are just a few. And, you don’t have to make a huge commitment to something. Once a week or a few minutes a day of embracing something you love to do is enough.

The best part of this is you aren’t obligated to stick with anything. Just get in the sandbox of life and try different things!

Be the Star in Your Own Show

YOUActors develop this skill to new heights. Sounds like fun? Most actors call it work. They have to study a character’s way of talking, walking, style, accent, expressions, emotions — well, everything about that imagined person. Then, they present a performance that seems real and memorable to us. He/she enacts a character’s body not so much to imitate but to feels as though their own body is living differently in a special world (stage or movie). If they flub up, the director will say they are “out of character.”

All this work/fun takes a toll on an actor’s sense of self and identity. We don’t think much about it, but losing one’s self in a stage character can be jarring. The actor has to suddenly come back to the real world, and it can take some time to adjust to who they really are. A role can even permanently change the actor by forcing him/her to think differently than they did before it.

We are all actors. We all play a role in life. We learned the part in our families growing up.

But it may be time to learn a new part and be the star in a different show.

In therapy, we urge our clients to become their “authentic selves” rather than their “conditioned selves”. In other words, we want you to develop and express your true nature, likes/dislikes, personality, and real preferences. We want you to do what you really wanted before you were told who to be like, what to do, what to think, how to act.

Often this feeling of not being true to oneself is what brings a person to therapy. They may feel conflicted or depressed. If they become who they really are, they believe it will disappoint family and peers. Perhaps they are right. An actor describes how each step of putting on stage makeup creates his character. He said, he “would look in the mirror and wait until he came and was looking back at me.”

Compare that to times you know you are not being genuine.  Maybe you have a job that requires you to act a certain way. That’s not necessarily a bad thing but you do feel the difference when you come home and drop that role by the door, don’t you? . Any time you look in the mirror and feel like you are seeing someone else’s life instead of yours, you are not being your authentic self. You know what I’m talking about, right?

Some people rebel and become the complete opposite just to assert themselves.  Others continue to live the lives imposed by parents and peers but with an uneasy feeling that this is not their true self. They have taken on a role that is lived out in the stage of their environment. This takes a toll.

To learn more about your authentic self, visualize yourself at a movie theater. The music plays, a curtain comes up on the screen, and there you are: a star. Only this time, the actress is made up to look like you.  She has studied the genuine and authentic you. She knows how you would sound. How you would walk, what you would enjoy talking about, what your imagined life would look like and it’s all there for you to see.  If she gets it right, how do you feel? If she “flubs up” how is she out of character?

On the stage of life, you are the director, the actor and, at times, the audience. Make it a great show!

The Taste of Bitterness

tongue-bitterBumping up against the same obstacle in your life over and over again can be frustrating and exhausting. Everyone has something they struggle with. It could be weight loss, organization, social relationships, health issues, addiction, and the list goes on.

When we struggle to change a habit or behavior that isn’t serving us well and we fail multiple times, we may feel desperate. When we feel desperate, we’ll do almost anything to overcome whatever hurdle is standing in our way of making it to our self-imposed finish line. If we can’t find a way to overcome it, it’s easy to become bitter.

What is bitterness? Bitterness is disappointment and resentment that occurs from the feeling of being treated unfairly. That make sense, right? We often do feel treated unfairly when we try really hard to do something and we just can’t seem to do it.

But, what if we thought about the challenge differently?

There is alternative to feeling bitter. Perhaps, it’s getting to the root of why we are having the challenge in the first place that’s more important. If we take a moment to ask ourselves, why we can’t stick to our diet, organize our paperwork, give that public speech, or overcome our illness, we may find the solution to the problem.

Not asking why we are having such a hard time is a little like trying to put a band-aid on broken bone. You may stop the blood from coming out, but the bone will not heal! So, stop and take a few deep breaths. Write your question down in a journal answer it. Becoming aware of your broken bone is the first step to healing it.

Then, some of you may think, “This issue is not in my control.” Perhaps, you’re sick with an illness that you can’t seem to shake or someone has done something to you and you are struggling with overcoming those feelings. Try to think of this situation as a lesson and a story. Ask yourself what you can take away from this situation and turn into something positive. Sometimes, there’s solace through suffering. Maybe you have a lesson to share with someone else or maybe your current situation has brought you where you need to be to help you realize something that will change your life for the better.

Before you accept the bitter taste of bitterness, I challenge you to regroup and find the sweetness that life has to offer.