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How toxic is too toxic in a relationship?

This was an article I read from David Neagle of the Neagle Code recently, and I thought it was pretty great, so I had to share! This is something we all experience at some time or another. 

Hi David!

I have a lifelong friend (someone whom I’ve known and been close to for nearly 30 years), who has a very toxic side. At first I didn’t notice it, but as I’m growing, I’m seeing it as clear as day. I know it’s rubbing off on me, and yet, I don’t want to walk away from this relationship.

Is there something I can do to keep her in my life and still protect myself from the toxicity?

David’s Answer:

Hi, Margaret, and thanks for the great question.

Last month I answered this same question during one of my Mindset for Maximum Prosperity Intensives, so let me ask you the same question I asked one of my attendees.

How much toxicity would you allow in your home? Would you allow just a little bit of lead paint?
Just a little bit of arsenic? I think not. So why would you allow it into your personal relationships?

The answer: YOU ARE ATTACHED.

Ask yourself: What are you getting from the relationship? And then see what’s actually going on here.
My advice would be to set her free.

Otherwise, you’ll find yourself either trying to change her (which is not your right or responsibility), or you will continue to take on her toxic energy and/or beliefs.

It’s possible that this relationship was meant to be for a season rather than a lifetime.

I used to but…

I used to but...I used to but…

I hear that a lot. People tell me they used to exercise, write, enjoy life, have a healthy weight, etc.  Not only did they “used to” do those things, they loved them. Why did they quit?

The answer could number in the hundreds. Everyone has particular needs that change. What was important when you were twenty is often not the thing that motivates you to action when you are fifty.

Think about your list of “used to’s” and decide which ones you would like to continue or resume. You may need to get in practice again, sharpen your skills through study or actions. You’re smart. You know, when you plant a garden, you do not abandon it the day after you plant the seeds. Stay with it. Continue to practice even when – especially when—you don’t feel like it.

You may recall other times when you took time off or decided that you would do it tomorrow. It was harder to get back on track when you put it off. You get rusty very quick. And once you make excuses, it’s easier to make them the next time.

I recall learning from my meditation teacher, Jon Kabat-Zinn: “You don’t have to like it, you just have to do it.”

Here’s what I’m going to do.

            1. I will write three times a week. My goal is to create e-courses on a regular basis. Once I do that, I will decide if I want to write an e-book. I have short stories I want to finish and, of course, poems will write themselves if I pay attention.

            2. I will say no more often. Not to do more but to be more. Just be.
Now, your turn.

i-used-to-exercise-but-im-fine-now_25291In the book, The War of Art by Steven Pressfield, he talks about showing up to do the work. He reminds us that it’s not always a pretty journey but when you simply show up consistently, you will reach your goal.

Agree?

What will you reclaim or create in your life? Feel free to email me your thoughts or just say hello at rB@earthlink.net.

How Getting Seasonal Depression is as Common as Catching the Flu

cs-depression-roundtable-what-depression-feels-like-400Imagine this scenario…

After yoga class with friends, you notice Annabelle is acting unlike herself. You can’t put your finger on what it is that you notice, so you keep it to yourself. The next day at work, you notice that Annabelle is not walking the way she usually does, she seems frustrated and sighs when the phone rings. You ask her if she is okay and she tells you she is fine, just tired.  This continues until a week later you ask her again and this time she tells you she has a pulled muscle in her back and a sprained wrist. You had no idea. Annabelle tells you she is embarrassed and didn’t want the boss to know because she hasn’t been finishing her work. You don’t want your friend to suffer, so you take it upon yourself to make an appointment and offer to drive her to see the doctor.

Now, what if were to replace “pulled muscle” and “sprained wrist” with “depression”? Are you as likely to take the same action for your friend?

Did you know that depression is the leading cause of disability worldwide? Only about half of those diagnosed receive treatment – in many countries this is fewer than 10%. Although getting help from health care professionals is always a recommended approach, many people lack the resources, time and access to such care.  Depression makes it even harder to follow through with plans. Some even turn to detrimental forms of self-medication, such as drinking alcohol.

How do you know when someone has depression? The National Institute of Mental Health defines depression as a “mood disorder that causes severe symptoms affecting how you feel, think, and handle daily activities”. The combination of environmental factors, personality, genetics and biochemistry can lead to its onset. It’s been compared to catching a cold. It can affect anyone at any time.

Although not all of these factors can be easily changed, there are things we can do to reduce our susceptibility. The habit of washing your hands comes naturally and we do it for the sake of our health. Is there anything you can do similarly to help reduce the symptoms of depression? It turns out there is.

The amygdale is a part of the brain closely associated with depression. The amygdale modulates the fear response. In depressed people, the amygdale tends to be larger and overly active in response to negative stimuli, such as seeing something upsetting, or feeling sad. These feelings become more intense than usual. The brain has a “cold” and is now sneezing, metaphorically. Additionally, things that are usually fun and make you happy just don’t rise to the level of  “happy” anymore.

When researchers studied the overactive amygdale they found that meditation may counteract depression by reducing amygdale activity and by increasing activity in the hippocampus, prefrontal cortex and other brain regions associated with attention and emotional self-regulation.

 

Have you heard of Seasonal Affective Depression? Most people haven’t.

Kwan Yin Sabbatical 2When the Fall season arrives, it comes with warm, comforting recipes and new visual landscapes to admire. It can also bring Seasonal Affective Depression that creeps in like the cloudy skies.

Seasonal Affective Depression is thought to be caused by lack of bright sunlight. If you find yourself feeling blue and gloomy on days that are grey, it’s worth looking into. Most people who have it, may not even be aware that’s the cause of how they are feeling. On the other hand, rain and gloom cheers some people up. They find they have lots of energy on those days.

I also encourage you to practice meditation as a way to feel better. Meditation can be done anywhere, such as a walking meditation.

Sometimes a new environment or a porch swing can have a similar effect. Here are some pictures from my “sabbatical” in Ocean Springs, MS earlier this month with my beloved little cat, Kwan Yin. She was my sabbatical companion while I was there.

Class Is In – 10 Steps to Prepare for Daily Meditation

How to Meditate in 10 Easy StepsWe now know with overwhelming evidence that using meditation can help individuals achieve astonishing results in their physical and mental health. 

This space is too short to offer you a whole course in meditation, but I do want you to know about what meditation is and what it is not.

Recently, I asked my intern students if they were teaching their clients to meditate. I was surprised to hear one student say, “isn’t it just deep breathing?” or “relaxing with your eyes closed?” The simple answer is No.  Deep breathing is deep breathing and is useful to help when we feel anxious. Relaxing is relaxing. Also good for us, but it is not meditation.

What is meditation? It’s the act of clearing your mind of clutter and becoming grounded and focused. It is a mental and physical reset button.

It starts with posture.  You want to stay relaxed and alert and focus on the present moment. You let your breath do its own thing. You notice. Your breath may change or not. You just notice. Don’t judge.

A good attitude helps but as my teacher, Jon Kabat Zinn said, “you don’t have to like it to do it.” Chances are when you start you’ll feel awkward or uncomfortable. That’s okay.  Finding the ideal meditation posture and seating can take a while. There’s no one-size-fits all seat for meditation. You may think of seeing people seated cross-legged on cushions on the floor, but you can also meditate seated in a chair, or walking, or eating mindfully.

Your mind will chatter. It’s called monkey mind because it’s like a monkey jumping from tree to tree. Just notice, don’t judge, let it be. Try not to dwell on any thought. Let them come and go like clouds in a sky. Come back to your breathing over and over.

Here are 10 steps to prepare for daily meditation.

1.) Take a seat.

2.) Let your eyes gaze slightly downward, 4 to 6 feet in front of you or close your eyes. Try it both ways to see which you like best.

3.) Tuck your chin in slightly to keep your spine aligned.

4.) Sit upright and straight but not unnaturally stiff. Arching or slouching produces tension. To align your spine, bend forward then slowly straighten up. Try to feel each vertebra stack up as you go.

5.) Center your sitting bones. Don’t lean forward or backward. Allow yourself to “settle in.” Take your time to get comfortable. Rock back and forth and side to side until you feel the sitting bones loosen up. The rest of your posture will more easily fall into place now.

6.) Keep your arms parallel to your body, palms on your thighs. Some people like to place their hands together or one palm holding the other palm.

7.) Sit with your knees below your hips, legs loosely crossed. That’s why you see people sitting on cushions or meditation benches. You will want to experiment to find the right height.

8.) Come prepared with a shawl, socks, glass or water, and timer.

9.) It’s okay to take a break during your meditation session. Try bringing your knees to your chest, curving your spine forward to stretch out.

10.) If sitting is uncomfortable, take your seat in a chair. It’s easier on your knees and convenient. Resist the urge to slouch back in the chair unless you really need to. Sitting straight helps your breathing. Keep your feet flat on the floor. You may have to use a stool or something under your feet if the chair is too high off the floor.

Homework:

Practice with no expectations but notice the results.

Tap into Your Superpower and Shine Your Own Light (Inspired by Bruce Lee)

Champions_superhero_r1_LR-450x646At some time or another, we have all admired or looked up to someone. We may have thought, “Wow, what they are doing is great. I want to do or be that.” It’s good to have role models and mentors. And sometimes we like what someone else is doing so much, we do everything to support their goals and life’s work.

BUT are you paying enough attention to your heart’s desire? We often neglect or avoid looking inside ourselves to see what we really want because it’s easy to help someone else who already has it figured out.

The danger in doing this is that you miss the boat in achieving your true happiness, which is focusing on achieving the thing that lights you up inside. And, by doing that, you ultimately become your best self and offer the most help to the world.

I recently watched an excellent TEDx video on just this very thing, which highlights Bruce Lee’s message for us outlined by his daughter. You can watch the video HERE.

Here are the 3 principles his daughter shares based on the thoughts he left with the world.

  • Don’t think. Feel! – Get in touch with your heart. Meditate for a bit on what lights you up inside. Think about what got you excited as a child. What makes you happy? What do you love? What games did you play?
  • Align your actions with your thoughts and your heart (desires). Make a list of what you want to have achieved at the end of your life. Have goals but not just goals, dreams. Investigate this first. This is not always easy. There’s no one to say whether you are right or wrong. But where you put your personal effort aligned with your heart that the next step is.
  • Achieve harmony in the form of peace of mind. The goal of doing this is to reach peace of mind. There is no peace of mind if you are in judgment of others. Don’t worry about competition or adversity. Don’t duplicate anyone else. As the saying goes you need to be yourself because everyone else is taken. To operate and make a positive impact, focus on the greater good and how you can contribute to that in your own unique way. Decide what you want to offer to the world and act from the root of your being.

The Unspoken Truth About Bipolar Disorder

bipolar-myths-factsAt some time or another you may have heard people say, that person is crazy. He / she is bipolar. So, we’ve learned to associate “crazy” with bipolar disorder. So many people use this term out of context.

I’d like to share with you what bipolar disorder is and what it isn’t. It IS a mood disorder marked for alternating periods of extreme happiness and depression. It is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. It can affect energy level, judgment, memory, concentration, appetite, sleep patterns, sex drive, and self-esteem.It can be treated with medication and healthy lifestyle choices.

Here’s what it IS NOT. Having bipolar disorder does not mean a person has split personalities. It does not mean they are crazy or violent. It does not mean someone had inadequate parenting. People with bipolar disorder CAN get better. Most people think they can’t. Having bipolar disorder does not mean someone is unfaithful or untrustworthy. Most importantly, bipolar disorder is not rare! It affects 5.7 million Americans each year, which is about 2.6% of the population. 

Another thing that most people don’t know about people with bipolar disorder is that they are some of the most sensitive, creative people in the world. In fact, scientists are starting to believe that bipolar disorder was a gateway to human evolution. Watch the video about that HERE. 

choosehappy

Are you living happily or just settling for so-so?

choosehappyDid you read Henry Thoreau’s book, “Walden”? He is famous for the quote “Most men live lives of quiet desperation.”

The quote comes from an essay on the pain he saw in most people’s lives. As a therapist, I see it too. It’s not the type of pain that comes from illness. That can strike any of us. It has more to do with good people doing the best they can but are stuck in a life where they aren’t terribly miserable but they aren’t very happy.

It feels like having a low-grade fever on the happiness scale. Thoreau wrote about people who worked all month to pay the bills with little to show for it. They worked in jobs that didn’t suit them. They had little beauty, humor, art or joy in their lives. He called it “settling” for less than life could be.

Thoreau, a keen observer, could see that people were bored and always looking for a temporary pleasure to distract them or make them feel happy for a moment. He wrote about people staying so busy with mundane tasks that they used up any time or energy they could have used to explore living a fuller life. This is the act of “desperation.”

This month, our culture’s distraction with the weather and storms made me think about these things again. Too often, we fall prey to the media’s desire to dazzle us with the bizarre that we forget to make the most of our own lives, here and now.

Of course, we are all fascinated by the unusual and the extraordinary. We live in a time when anything that happens, anywhere on earth, comes into our homes and shows up on our email and phones, in “real time.” Used appropriately, our access to instant communication is a wonderful thing! No one can deny that.

But don’t let the daily news plus your daily routine prevent you from expressing the highest and best that is in you.  There will always be worries about the economy, politics or threats of war. They are not substitutes for living according to your highest ideals.

Every day we have a choice of how we want to live. Do you choose to worry about everything or build the life you really want? Do you expend enormous energy on problems “out there” or proactively plan and address the challenges of living the life you choose? No one will tell you how to use your time and talents. That’s for you to decide.

Would you choose to build memories with your children or focus on tragedy? Would you read the best books ever written or watch more TV. Would you build your business, develop your skills or fret about the economy? Would you sing and dance to your own music or download more iTunes?

Throughout history, most people have worked to survive. We now live in a time when we have the best education an resources. We can enjoy healthy meals, great music, conversation, and listen to the smartest people on earth, often in person! And yet we so often let it pass us by.

In the coming month, make the choice to live your own life, in your own way, as best you can. Do one new thing or do at least one thing differently. Spend one hour exploring the highest and best that is in you. Then, take a moment to reflect on how it impacts your life. I’d love to hear about that.

Boredom is Creativity in Disguise

CreativityI’ve got to quit saying “I’m never bored.” I am an only child and feel that I can always find something to do to amuse myself. However, from all the research I’ve read and experiences bear this out, boredom is great for creativity! It’s not something we should try to avoid.

John Cleese (Monty Python fame) said: “We don’t know where we get our ideas from. We do know that we do not get them from our laptops.”  Graham Linehan, an Irish TV comedy writer and director put it this way:  “The creative process requires a period of boredom, of being stuck,” he says. ”

If you are a writer, it feels like an uncomfortable period we mistake for writer’s block, but it’s actually just part one of a long process.

The internet has made it difficult to experience boredom.  We can’t stop following the breadcrumbs of hotlinks, Facebook, twitter, and before long we’ve tweeted up half our work day. This is a form of idleness and, believe it or not, not always a bad thing. But you need to make the conscious effort to put boundaries around this for yourself. Though it gets a bad wrap, the internet can be a plethura of ideas and inspiration as long as it’s used in moderation.

I think you will agree, that surfing the web is not the same kind of idleness as taking a walk or engaging in hobbies you really like. The kind of experience where time goes by before you know it. However you choose to do it, being idle is one of our most important activities in life. Give yourself permission to do this even though it isn’t the popular thing to do.

You see, the brain, like an airplane, can switch to “autopilot’ when we relinquish manual control. The autopilot knows where you really want to go and what you really want to do. The only way to find out what your autopilot knows is to stop flying the plane and let your autopilot guide you.

When the poem shows up or a great idea to solve a problem, you’ll know who to thank. Boredom is just creativity in disguise!

For more great free resources visit the website HERE.

Your Personal Fuel Crisis

fulfilledYou have the best intentions to take good care of yourself. You exercise, drop sugary foods from your menu choice try to sleep enough, get your nails done, etc. It can be overwhelming!

I’m defining fuel as anything that you do to sustain yourself physically, emotionally, and mentally. Things that fuel you feel right and good. If getting your nails done feels like a chore, it’s not fueling you!

We recognize the cliché of “running on empty”. But do you know what really fuels you?

Try This Exercise to Find Out…

Your To Do List and your To Not Do List

Try this out for a week. Take your To Do List and circle the items that are priorities. Underline the things on your list you will say NO to if it interferes with taking care of yourself and/or drains your energy.

For example, does checking your email after 4 p.m. make you feel better or worse? Do you really need to know what people want from you at 4 p.m.? Or could it wait until tomorrow morning when you have more energy?

Are there activities on your To-Do list that drain you? If you have to do them, at least choose a time of day when you are likely to breeze through the task. Delegate what you can.

As Warren Buffet says, “The difference between successful people and very successful people is that very successful people say no to almost everything.”  We can aim to put more things on our No list. If you do this right, you should free up some of your time.

Choose self-care that makes sense for you and schedule it. That way, you’re busy and you have to say “No” to other things.

Maybe you feel energized when you take a walk in the woods or play with the cat. You may release stress when you play with the kids or snuggle with your special loved one. Working on hobbies, watching a movie, playing or just chilling out has a way of making us feel better.

Action Step: What is one thing you can say “No” to today and what is one thing you can put into your day that will fuel your mind, body, and spirit?

Think about things like fun, contemplation time, physical activity, sleep, and social connection. These kinds of activities are the fuel for your focus and productivity during the day which will allow you to leave work knowing you spent your time well.

For more great free resources visit the website HERE.